the total emptiness of getting what you want

i feel like i'm hitting some kind of new low here. which is funny because i have so many things i've wanted all my life. maybe this is what zen is talking about.

• a good, interesting job in a time when jobs are scarce
• good gear for work
• lots of time off for my own projects
• a girl i love in a different city, and a girl i like in this one
• good friends
• good house and roommate
• body work
• honest relationship with my family
• money isn't a problem at the moment
• i eat delicious food every day
• not dependent on substances at the moment (may be experiencing withdrawal)

and here i am, it's 3am and i can't move myself to get ready for work tomorrow. i could make some drastic changes (move out of the city, live off the land), but i'm pretty sure i'd find a way to hate that as well.

 

theories:

• my job is difficult and i put up with bullshit
• i don't manage my time off well
• withdrawal
• i was never as addicted to chemicals as i was to melancholy
• i might be monogamous at heart (can't tell)
• body work may be unlocking stores of old shitty energy (hay hippies)
• ended relationship not too long ago but haven't experienced much fallout, maybe it is coming to the surface in a different way
• maybe having what you want is bullshit. maybe i want something more and less than all of this. i have tasted peace and it was delicious. i miss it with all my heart even though i don't know what it means right now.

sorry to dump on you guys. i don't really know what i'm looking for here. i feel like nothing matters (corollary: why is it depressing if nothing matters). sometimes i'd rather be dead just to see if it gets better on the other side. i wonder what i'd do if i could turn off my projected opinions of the rest of the world in my head.

 

I feel the same way a lot lately. I don't know what to tell you, but you'll be alright. I mean i'm still here so if I can do it anyone can.

yeah you can give me your job....

cut to the chase - did you chicken out of the hooker thing or what?

I understand completely...

 

doesn't matter what we have, if it isn't allowing us to have the right mind set than none of it matters...

 

I have no job, have to be out of my apt at the end of this month, don't where I am going to live, have no money, no outside help and I am scared...

 

but I think I want what I used to have, which is peace of mind and I had lost that way before I lost my last job...

 

seems more important than anything else right now, cept for food...and shelter

 

a massive change is about to happen for me and I don't feel ready but I do feel it will put me back on the right path...

You ever feel down in the dumps man, listen to this shit

 

I bolded my favorite part

 

I read the news today oh, boy

About a lucky man who made the grade

And though the news was rather sad

Well, i just had to laugh

I saw the photograph

He blew his mind out in a car

He didn't notice that the lights had changed

A crowd of people stood and stared

They'd seen his face before

Nobody was really sure if he was from the house of lords

 

I saw a film today oh, boy

The english army had just won the war

A crowd of people turned away

But i just had to look

Having read the book

I love to turn you on.

 

Woke up, got out of bed

Dragged a comb across my head

Found my way downstairs and drank a cup

And looking up, i noticed i was late

Found my coat and grabbed my hat

Made the bus in seconds flat

Found my way upstairs and had a smoke

Somebody spoke and i went into a dream

Ah

 

I read the news today oh, boy

Four thousand holes in blackburn, lancashire

And though the holes were rather small

They had to count them all

Now they know how many holes it takes to fill the albert hall

I'd love to turn you on

 

 

See, every day we gotta do the same shit. And whether it ends in a car accident or we meet the woman of our dreams, we gotta fall out of bed, run to the bus or we'll miss that shit and be late for work!

 

you are right....

 

about the song...

 

fuck buses!

That song is too genius to properly explain. Basically changing the tempo of it for that verse and then getting the piano drumroll in there to speed things up is ... well... man.... shit. Thats why theyre the beatles I guess. They can just do that shit and not think twice about it.

fuck the beatles

OH essines! Oh!

  essines said:

fuck the beatles

 

go ahead,

 

fuck a beetle,

 

at NIGHT!

 

 

all I have to say, if you have anything against the Beatles, is Charles Manson and The White Album....

 

=

 

METAL!

  lumpenprol said:

cut to the chase - did you chicken out of the hooker thing or what?

i chickened out, turning instead to the world of online dating. which just recently has been kind of amazing, objectively speaking.

  Atop said:

I understand completely...

  essines said:

I feel the same way a lot lately. I don't know what to tell you, but you'll be alright. I mean i'm still here so if I can do it anyone can.

thanks guys . . if you ever figure out what it is let me know. i'm sorry you feel like this. i think i hoped i was the only one.

 

salads . . i get it, and i'm pretty conscientious about my job. it's getting to be more and more of an effort to do it though.

 

most of all i feel like it's such a shame. i have been given these incredible gifts in life, and have things a lot of people in the world only dream about. and it just feels empty. i feel like such an utter fucking tool, a trope of a cliche, a waste of beauty and harmony. maybe i'm just addicted to romanticizing my ass-hattery. gahhh. thought pollution.

Sometime's the journey is greater than getting there, and maybe thats the key to things: to arrive at your destination and linger only as long as you need to, then keep moving on. You need direction and ambition to keep things fresh and exciting. I dont really know what this means in a real world context, that you should find new job and girls or that kind of thing, but until you've found where you belong, its easy to outstay your welcome.

I dont know how this changes when you're older, it seems like older folk are more willing to be satisfied with what they have.

I think we all could do with a little more confidence in our own potential. Perhaps sometimes food and shelter (usually our limiting factors when considering possibilities) arent as critical as we've been lead to believe, but really i have no idea, ive always had those things very much secured in my life.

Edited May 8, 2009 by 42Orange

but how do you find where you belong? i go where i feel called. the frustrating thing about the journey thing is part of me knows what you mean and i've been so grateful for this journey before, for everything. but somehow i lose the thread.

 

sorry man i'm just going to argue with anything while i still feel the same way. thank you though.

i know exactly what you mean A/D.

 

also, fuck the beatles.

how do you deal?

make a baby?

but . . but i don't have a . . (penis)

Nah i feel you. Im sure withdrawl definitely has something to do with it, im taking a break from weed and i go back and forth from feeling good about my situation and optimistic about the future, to feeling helpless and lost, like i cant do anything but spin my wheels until some opportunity comes along to get me out of a situation i shouldve grown sick of years ago.

 

Sometimes thats all you can do, just follow the call, grab something and run with it. Youll know you're home when you get there, and most likely you wont find it by looking for it. At least thats what i hope, it can be hard to believe these things when it seems like no one really knows whats going on, much less whats going to happen

 

 

 

 

 

 

down the road, not across the street, but your heart's in the right place

i think it was ronan keating that once sang... "life is a rollercoaster, just gotta ride it"

 

a wise man that ronan keating.

 

ps. i'm not making light of your predicament, actually i am but for the right reasons.

welp, i got ready for work. it took about 15 minutes, and i felt like i was going to throw up the whole time. maybe i like my job less than i think. i don't particularly like myself right now.

 

thanks for kicking around the old peanut guys

 

goodnight

maybe we can exchange jobs?

 

mine is a lot easier...

 

not many benefits though....