Giving birth to a turd

As you internet males have probably realised, releasing a major turd from your ass is probably the closest thing men will ever get to experiencing childbirth. So you gotta take that turd and make it your own.

Most people flush them away and it's such a waste. You gotta let that turd experience the joys of life. Don't drop that turd down the toilet, it could drown in there. You gotta let it breathe. When you get the feeling you are about to give birth to turd you're gonna be proud of, grap a napkin and release it gently onto it make sure you give it a soft landing don't let it drop or else it could die. Concentrate all your thoughts onto a smooth bowel movement, don't let your sphincter contract or could end snapping a bit off at the end and your newborn will be deformed. Fuck that shit. If it comes out in liquid form you have sadly suffered a miscarriage, feel free to flush it away, there is nothing that can be done to save that poor little poop.

The first few weeks are the most important in a turds life, you gotta introduce it to the world and familiarise with its surroundings. Make sure it is confortable and let it sleep in your bed. Take it to the shops and out to dinner. Don't be afraid to introduce it to friends and take it to sporting events. When it gets older do not expect it to go out and find a job, turds cannot work. They are dependant on you for their entire lifespan so you must be responsible for clothing your turd and feeding it. Take an interest in what kinda shit it's into, films, music etc (i hear they like Bogdan Raczynski during adolecence) When your turd reaches old age you may notice it has started to shrink so it will probably need a whole new wardrobe. Much like humans it may begin to smell bad aswell as it reaches maturity so bathe it gently being careful not to snap any bits off. If it does get damgaged take it to a hospital immediatley. The olded the turd is the more vulnerable it becomes.

I am not sure exactly what a turds life expectancy is but i think it's about 10 years so once you squeeze that baby out you're in it for the long haul. If you decide it needs a brother then feel free start a family. But remember to socialise them with eachother so that they form a bond. Maybe one day they could start a family of their own and you will be a grandfather.

Fuck me

Are there any expectant fathers expecting a new addition to the family in the near future? If so, congratulations. Remember that kid is a little part of who you are. A little piece of yourself. Treat him well and teach him right