dropping bombs on elevators

had a nice father's day with the family yesterday. my mom made ribs that were absolutely the best i've ever had. hickory smoked meat that practically dripped off the bone. only problem: i've had a wicked case of gas ever since. i thought it would clear up after emptying the bowels this morning, but no luck.

i had an appointment this morning for work and the elevators are notoriously slow in the in the Richard J. Daley center. During the eternity that it took me to get to the 28th floor, i dropped two fucking horrendous, rotten egg bombs, the likes of which are only rumored to exist among the indigenous peoples of north america. they made me question my own will to live. and if they were that bad for me, I can only imagine how it felt for the other riders on the packed elevator.

one woman let out a faint, helpless cry, as if she just seen a baby injured but was in no position to offer assistance. another guy puts his newspaper up to his face, as if reports on the unrest in Iran would somehow protect him from the foulness that was encasing him. i felt sorry for these folks, for i wish them no harm. and when i finally got off the elevator, I made a quick trip to the bathroom where my worst fears were realized - some ass paste had in fact secreted onto my boxer shorts. i had to throw them away. so now i'm free balling the rest of the day. i can't afford for that to happen again though, because it would mean shit on my suit. i don't want to even think about having to explain that to the dry cleaner.

you should submit this to the new yorker

they're looking for the next jd salinger

lol

there's nothing funnier than throwing boxers in the trash.

well except for flushing them down the toilet

lol

  LOL Alzado said:

i don't want to even think about having to explain that to the dry cleaner.

you pooped your pants. pretty clear cause and effect -- not strange at all, just gross. if you had shit on the inside of your suit jacket, then maybe you'd get some pointed questions....

  LOL Alzado said:

had a nice father's day with the family yesterday. my mom made ribs that were absolutely the best i've ever had. hickory smoked meat that practically dripped off the bone. only problem: i've had a wicked case of gas ever since. i thought it would clear up after emptying the bowels this morning, but no luck.

That's because they're not empty, not even close. :embrassed:

lol

good points everyone, thanks.

things seem to have calmed down a little bit. i'm going to have a huge coffee to see if i can induce a shit, just to be safe.

this makes the story more visual

that's the Daley Center alright. you can almost hear the cries of the innocent.

Wicked morning read filled with non stop lols.

ask someone for a cigarette. you may end up liking it and ruining your life, but after a few drags the deuce is loose.

i can't wait for your pooping on an elevator post, 28 floors is a long wait.

fucking lol

omg i farted today too

  Benedict Cumberbatch said:

omg i farted today too

  placidburp said:

Pretty big lol.

  Adjective said:

Enormous lol.

lol

my last wish? that no one ever dies this way.

  Benedict Cumberbatch said:

omg i farted today too

please tell all. spare no detail. i want to know everything.

i'm disappointed in you, lyle.

oh shit i just noticed the brown footprint. lol

  Adjective said:

biggest lol all weekend

belly lol