Amazing Craigslist Unlimited 2000

I think we need a crazy WTF/LOL Craigslist post thread.

I'll start: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/1383180711.html

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I bought this IKEA table and i can't assemble it. Come over and put it together for me and I'll masturbate while you do it. With a dildo. And I will serve you unlimited iced tea. I'm 37 and not amazing looking but totally serviceable.

  On 9/24/2009 at 8:54 PM, Joyrex said:

  On 9/24/2009 at 8:52 PM, blicero said:

I think we need a crazy WTF/LOL Craigslist post thread.

 

I'll start: http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/cas/1383180711.html

 

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I bought this IKEA table and i can't assemble it. Come over and put it together for me and I'll masturbate while you do it. With a dildo. And I will serve you unlimited iced tea. I'm 37 and not amazing looking but totally serviceable.

 

Damn... UNLIMITED ICED TEA!

ya know how i know you're a gay? ;)

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/ral/1280450188.html

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To The People Buying and Renting Porn at My Store

 

Dear Porn Purchaser,

 

1. I'll say this one time only: we do not accept returns unless the movie you purchased is defective in some way. This means the movie doesn't play. This does not mean that the video was not long enough, didn't feature enough fucking, didn't feature enough money shots, featured too many dicks and not enough pussy, featured too many pussies and not enough dicks or any other content-based complaint you may have. You bought it, you wanked to it and now its yours. Forever. kthxbye.

 

2. If your movie is defective, you have two (2) days to return it with the receipt and original package. This means if you purchase the movie on Monday morning, you have until Wednesday evening to bring it back. This means when you return the movie, you have to have that little piece of paper we give you when we sell you the movie and the cover and box must be intact. It's possible, but very unlikely, that we didn't give you a receipt. It's impossible that you didn't get the packaging. That's just ridiculous. Oh, and if you return a movie, I will put the movie in our DVD player to make sure it doesn't work. Yes, that's right. I'm college educated and I get to check porn for defects at work. My parents sure are proud.

 

3. Seriously, who purchases porn anymore? Have you ever heard of the internet? Well, in case you haven't, it's a magical series of tubes that gives you access to a plethora of pornography you cannot even imagine. Pornography beyond your wildest dreams! And, better yet, it's free!

 

4. Seriously, who rents porn anymore? Please see #3.

 

5. Why are you so fucking picky about your pornography? I really don't understand. It's a movie. With people fucking each other. A lot. The movies are separated into broad genres in our movie section for your convenience. You can find run of the mill people fucking each other a lot movies, movies with only black people fucking each other a lot, interracial groupings fucking each other a lot, only men fucking each other a lot, only women fucking each other a lot, people fucking each other a lot and doing kinky shit at the same time, and so on. It's pretty basic and usually, the titles describe what is going to happen in the movie pretty well. "Big Black Poles in White Holes," for instance, says a lot about what the movie will be about. So do titles like "Giant Goo Covered Jugs," "Girls Kissing Girls," "Anal Addiction," "Big Wet Asses," "Enema Queens," and "Hairy Cooter Bonanza." Usually, you don't have to think a lot about what a movie is about (other than fucking, of course) - pornography isn't known for being demure.

 

6. I have not seen every movie in our collection so I can't tell you whether "Giant Greeze Covered Asses" is better than "Big Wet Booty Poppin' Booty." To be honest, I don't even like pornography. Even if I did, I wouldn't tell you about my pornography watching habits. Please use your own discretion in determining which movie is right for you.

 

7. I can help you find movies by title, studio or star. If you don't have a specific title, studio or star you are looking for, please limit your question asking. We have thousands of movies and I'm not going to look through them to help you find a movie featuring double penetration, strap ons, interracial couplings, and hairy women covered in oil wearing rubber. Take your specific fetishes to the internet. Please see #3 and 4.

 

8. Some of you rent or purchase multiple movies every day or so. Do you have a job? Do you do anything except watch porn? How have you not masturbated yourself retarded at this point? Seriously...calm down a little bit and, for the love of God, save yourself some money and get a computer and internet access.

 

Thanks and have a nice day,

 

Your Friendly Adult Store Clerk

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/anc/1272471632.html

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Wanted: Pony

 

My kid is having a birthday coming up soon, and there'll be a lot of children around, so I figured I'd better get a pony.

 

I suspect there'll be what - about 20 or 30 kids, and I thought a pony would fit the bill nicely.

 

Please let me know what you feed your pony - hay, grain, whatever, so I know what to expect.

 

Also, let me know if the pony gets a lot of exercise, or if it just kinda hangs out all day, so I know what kind of shape it is in.

 

If you do have a pony you could sell, please contact me, and then immediately start putting barbeque sauce in it's bedding or add some Lawry's to it's salt lick - I like to marinade it early and long, so that the flavor is at it's peak by the time I take possession.

 

If things work out well, I may contact you for other parties I'll be involved in; they kids can't tell the difference between ponies and burger, and usually they're a lot cheaper.

  On 9/24/2009 at 9:01 PM, blicero said:

 

 

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/anc/1272471632.html

 

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Wanted: Pony

 

My kid is having a birthday coming up soon, and there'll be a lot of children around, so I figured I'd better get a pony.

 

I suspect there'll be what - about 20 or 30 kids, and I thought a pony would fit the bill nicely.

 

Please let me know what you feed your pony - hay, grain, whatever, so I know what to expect.

 

Also, let me know if the pony gets a lot of exercise, or if it just kinda hangs out all day, so I know what kind of shape it is in.

 

If you do have a pony you could sell, please contact me, and then immediately start putting barbeque sauce in it's bedding or add some Lawry's to it's salt lick - I like to marinade it early and long, so that the flavor is at it's peak by the time I take possession.

 

If things work out well, I may contact you for other parties I'll be involved in; they kids can't tell the difference between ponies and burger, and usually they're a lot cheaper.

LOL

http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/apa/3688094743.html

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$1008 / 1br - 2500ft² - Really really nice (little italians)

Are you tired of ridiculous housing market in Toronto? No? Me neither! Is a big house and have many way for air and light come inside on you. We have wall to wall floor sometimes also floor to ceiling wall. One little part is Ok for not disease on you (100 square feets) other place is ecoli. This apartment made of rotting meat. In one tiny corner there is a rabid dog, but not be afraid... he there for eat meat. Ceiling is 5 feet. I live with you also old alcoholic trolls.

Thank you for your interest. Rental applications will be available at the open house.

Please contact me (i'm lonely)
Dog is not fun. nooo.rzerWNae

Sincerely,
Jeff

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Fuck that sounds like a good deal.