Two Gentlemen of Lebowski

http://www.runleiarun.com/lebowski/

  Quote

THE KNAVE

Zounds, man. Look at these unworthiest hands; no gaudy gold profanes my little hand. I have no honour to contain the ring. I am a bachelor in a wilderness. Behold this place; are these the towers where one may glimpse Geoffrey, the married man? Is this a court where mistresses of common sense are hid? Not for me to hang my bugle in an invisible baldric, sir; I am loath to take a wife, or she to take me until men be made of some other mettle than earth. Hark, the seat of my commode be arisen!

 

WOO

Search his satchel! His words are a fantastical banquet to work confusion upon his enemies. There sits eight pounds of proof within; surely he hides his treasure on his person.

 

BLANCHE

Villainy! Why this confounded orb, such as men use to play at ninepins; what devilry, these holes in holy trinity?

 

THE KNAVE

Obviously thou art not a golfer.

  Quote

DONALD

Of what dost thou speak, that tied the room together, Knave? Take pains, for I would well hear of that which tied the room together.

 

WALTER

Didst thou attend the Knave’s tragic history, Sir Donald?

 

DONALD

Nay, good Sir Walter, I was a-bowling.

 

WALTER

Thou attend’st not; and so thou hast no frame of reference. Thou art as a child, wandering and strutting amidst the groundlings as a play is in session, heeding not the poor players, their exits and their entrances, and, wanting to know the subject of the story, asking which is the lover and which the tyrant.

  Quote

JACK SMOKE

Thy words are hard; I must equivocate.

Put up thy pen, that I may mark it eight.

 

WALTER

Nay! I do protest, and draw my sword;

It shall teach thee to disobey my word.

Mark none but none into that bowler’s frame,

Else thou shalt enter into a world of pain.

A world of pain, think upon’t; unhappy world!

A lake of fire, rich with damnèd souls,

Gulfs of anguish ‘twixt vales of agonies.

Mark me; we stand at twisted, jealous gates

Of cast-iron, above which, in vulgar tongue, reads

“Here is a world of pain, thou enterest thus.”

My steel before thee, ‘tis the last of keys

That might could lock these doors, and keep thee

From this world of pain, or with one flick

Ope its mashing maw, and summon winds

To cast thee down within; an excellent key!

Farewell to earthly delights, farewell to friends,

To fellowships and follies and amends.

The choice to spare thy passage through these trials

Is thine alone; take heed, I entreat thee,

And turn thy back upon this world of pain!

  Quote

THE KNAVE

Nay; not tyrants. Nihilists to a man.

They believe in nothing; nothing will come of’t.

 

WALTER

Nihilists! I am beshrewn. Say what thou wilt

Of fascist tenets, Knave; it seeks to stand

Philosophy and politic, not void.

And let it noted be that wildlife kept,

Amphibious rodent, in domestic walls,

Is retrograde to right and civil laws.

  Quote

WALTER

Youth, thou art entering a world of pain.

We know this document is home-work thine,

And that thou stealest cars—

 

THE KNAVE

And monies too!

 

WALTER

And monies, and this is thy home-work, boy.

Wherefore silence? What impudence is this?

Thou art killing thy father, Laurence! O!

This hath no end; he never will speak word.

I take thy parchment back, and turn to plans

Of secondary contingence. Look well.

Behold thy car, the corvette, crimson-stain’d,

And see what befalls sinners evermore.

[He raises his sword, and smites the car]

This befalleth when thou firk’st a stranger ‘twixt the buttocks, Laurence! Understand’st thou? Dost thou attend me? Seest thou what happens, Laurence? Seest thou what happens, Laurence? Seest thou what happens, Laurence, when thou firk’st a stranger ‘twixt the buttocks?!

[Enter CLOWN]

This be what befalleth, Laurence! This be what befalleth, Laurence!

Yeah i saw this ages ago, a little silly.

...AND ALL THOSE WHO SAY WE COME DECENDENT FROM MONKEYS!

i have never seen this. very much lols.

BETWIXT THE BUTTOCKS

Ahem, gentlemen.

  On 2/24/2010 at 4:53 AM, Great Maker ShaiHulud said:

  Quote

 

THE KNAVE

Hark, now bowls Jack Smoke.

 

WALTER

Thou cross’st the line!

 

JACK SMOKE

Your pardon, noble sir?

 

WALTER

Thou cross’st the line, Jack Smoke, O cavalier,

As clearly demarcated in our rules,

In tumbling past the throw. ‘Tis play most foul.

 

JACK SMOKE

But see the pins struck down in fair play’s course!

Knave, mark thou mine eight pins; mark it eight.

 

WALTER

Not eight but l’ouef; you’ll mark it nought, O Knave,

And so we carry on to the next frame.

 

JACK SMOKE

Peace, Sir Walter!

 

WALTER

Smokey, this be not the foul jungles of the darkest East Orient. This be ninepins. We are bound by laws.

 

THE KNAVE

Nay, Walter; the quality of mercy is hardly strain’d. But a fraction of his toe tripp’d over the line, not God’s line but man’s. Of late I have read much of toe-nails. Suit the punishment to the action, and shame not Smoke in sport.

 

WALTER

O unrightful judge!

This forfeiture is set in iron law

As drawn by great authority of league.

One roll might well determine that our side

Advance to glory; or be instead retired

As moss upon a tree-stump, while the Smoke

Drifts out to glorious summer. Canst thou hear

The call of robin redbreasts? If robin shall

Restore amends, we must serve justice

Here. Be I wrong?

 

JACK SMOKE

Yea, but—

 

WALTER

Be I wrong?

 

JACK SMOKE

Thy words are hard; I must equivocate.

Put up thy pen, that I may mark it eight.

 

WALTER

Nay! I do protest, and draw my sword;

It shall teach thee to disobey my word.

Mark none but none into that bowler’s frame,

Else thou shalt enter into a world of pain.

A world of pain, think upon’t; unhappy world!

A lake of fire, rich with damnèd souls,

Gulfs of anguish ‘twixt vales of agonies.

Mark me; we stand at twisted, jealous gates

Of cast-iron, above which, in vulgar tongue, reads

“Here is a world of pain, thou enterest thus.”

My steel before thee, ‘tis the last of keys

That might could lock these doors, and keep thee

From this world of pain, or with one flick

Ope its mashing maw, and summon winds

To cast thee down within; an excellent key!

Farewell to earthly delights, farewell to friends,

To fellowships and follies and amends.

The choice to spare thy passage through these trials

Is thine alone; take heed, I entreat thee,

And turn thy back upon this world of pain!

 

THE KNAVE

Walter, put up thy sword; tarry a moment.

 

WALTER

Hath this whole world been mired in madness?

Remain ye men of faculty complete,

Of full arithmetic and prudence fair,

Attending to our noble bond and contract?

Or does here stand the last remaining man

To give a fig for rules and order yet,

No noble savage, but a stave unbroken

Who loves the law and bids it no misdeed.

I’ll not be bent to lawlessness. Mark it nought, if we be men of honour.

 

THE KNAVE

Walter, too long we have tarried on public fields; the constable is notified. I pray you, sheath thy piece.

 

WALTER

Mark it nought, else I’ll none.

 

JACK SMOKE

Good Sir Walter, speak with reason!

 

WALTER

Dost thou think I tarry idly? Mark it nought!

 

JACK SMOKE

Yea, I shall yield, and leave it to your pleasure.

Mark as thou wilt, in full and legal measure.

 

[Exit JACK SMOKE. WALTER sits]

 

THE KNAVE

In sooth, Walter, thou hast wounded me horribly.

Jack Smoke is cut of cloth alike my humour;

Peaceable men we, for peaceable times,

And Jack Smoke is a man of soft conscience.

 

WALTER

That he is conscious, I mark thee; I attend well.

In tender youth I dabbled in a course

To seek and hear moral philosophy.

Encount’ring pacifism on that road,

Though ne’er in Orient jungle, beshrew me; yet

I thought upon’t e’en on fields of war.

 

THE KNAVE

Thou markest that Jack Smoke hath woes of mind.

 

WALTER

Faith, beyond pacifism?

 

THE KNAVE

He is a man of fragility, sir, and like to shatter.

 

WALTER

“Like”; yet I mark not his fragile dust,

Nor saw him break, nor melt, nor cleave in two.

The heated moment passeth, river-tide

Below a bridge in Exeter. Speak, Knave,

Are we not victorious in our sport?

We progress as do rakes; or be I wrong?

 

THE KNAVE

No, thou speakest true—

 

WALTER

Be I wrong?

 

THE KNAVE

No, sir, thy speech is straight and true. But yet thou speakest not, for thou hast not spoken but brayed, in the manner of an ass.

 

WALTER

Fair; then I am an ass; let it be writ down that I am an ass. Then, mark well; the Knave and his partner, an ass, shall play again at ninepins in half a fortnight, their skills match’d against Joshua Quince and Liam O’Brien. They worry me not; they shall be o’er-pushed with certitude.

 

THE KNAVE

An we play again in seven days and seven nights, I pray you, be of good humour.

 

WALTER

“Be of good humour!” ‘Tis thine answer to everything.

Mark: thy peaceable nature, while conceiv’d

In upright spirit, meant for noble deeds,

May cited be by devils for their purpose.

Mark the Arab king in foreign land,

The base Mesopotamian, who lieth with steed.

Thou present’st to me a wall to hide behind

‘Twas born of truce in fear and frighten’d mind.

 

THE KNAVE

I pray you, be of good humour.

 

WALTER

I am as calm as still waters, Knave.

 

THE KNAVE

As steel waters, I’ll warrant; put up thy

Icy blade! Crack not gory tales of war!

 

WALTER

My calmness exceeds thine.

 

THE KNAVE

Be of ease, I pray you! Be of good cheer,

And let us not repeat what happen’d here!

 

WALTER

My calmness exceeds thine.

 

So this script has been taken down due to copyright infringment. Did anyone happen to download the .pdf beforehand, and if so would you please send it to me?

it's cached on google:

http://74.125.47.132/search?q=cache:Wxou0SkC9XAJ:runleiarun.com/lebowski/+xhttp://www.runleiarun.com/lebowski/&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us

shakespearean lebowski eh. sounds a little juvenile and contrived if you ask me. i hope they didnt stretch the joke for an entire script's worth. just mentioning the idea is adequate.

tl;dr