Sending emails to companies - a fun pastime

I saw a thread today on the something awful forums and it reminded me of an email i sent last year. Basically the idea is to send emails to a company of your choosing just to see if you can get a reply. Basically like a crank call but in email form. You may like to complain about a product or enquire about a beautiful old lady you saw working in a store. Anyway, i saw this somethingawful thread and it reminded me of an email i sent last year where i pitched a tv show idea to the RSPCA (the UK equivalent of PETA). Yeah so kind of a double rofl on my part by not sending to the right place. The aim is to get replies so let's give it a go, i believe in us.

Here's the original email i sent to get us started:

  Quote

Hi there, i am assuming this is the best place to contact you with ideas. Now this needs to be fleshed out a little more but i think you will agree that this has some promise and is different to most of the drama currently on the BBC and ITV.

 

This drama is set primarily in a bedroom-cum-laboratory. Two men have been selected from a deep pool of talented lucid dreamers ( http://en.wikipedia....iki/Lucid_dream ) to take part in an experiment testing the ideas of an important dead Russian metaphysicist (Viktor Solvich). They will spend 12 months sharing a bed together, carefully synchronising their bodyclocks in order to wake up and fall asleep at the same times. Contact with the outside world will be quite minimal.

 

Just as an aside, i have Patrick Stewart and Colin Jackson in mind as i picture the characters, although i realise it would be extremely difficult to get Colin Jackson in this role. If he would be willing to look at the part that would be fantastic as i am imagining someone effeminate but firm with good pectorals and a modern jawline. I haven't named the characters as of yet, so Patrick and Colin will suffice for the description.

 

The purpose of the experiment

The purpose of the experiment is to test the idea that people can communicate with each other via their dreams and that furthermore, close physical proximity between the dreamers can increase this effect.

 

The characters

Patrick is roughly the same age as Patrick Stewart, recently divorced and is a lifelong lucid dreamer trying to seek purpose in his life. As someone who doesn't dismiss the metaphysical and perhaps even the mystical, he treats the experiment with the respect he feels it deserves and is very grateful for the opportunity he has been given. He is a flawed character and spends lots of time crying.

 

Colin is also roughly the same age as Colin Jackson, a single gay man who was introduced to lucid dreaming by his partner (at that time) during his mid 20's and had become an extremely competent lucid dreamer by his early 30's. He is less interested in the actual experiment than Patrick is and has serious doubts about the ideas of Viktor Solvich. Colin becomes extremely attracted to Patrick over the course of the experiment and his busy hands become a major focus point of the series.

 

'Head Scientist' This will be a major role and the main scientist (a man) that the two subjects will communicate with. I don't have any thoughts on who will play the part but they must have long hair. I'm thinking of someone like a young John Travolta. 'John' is an extremely dedicated professional with a penchant for dreamers. He becomes a confidant for Patrick and Colin, yet is battling with alcoholism and an online gambling addiction throughout. He sneaks a pet mouse into the lab and jeopardises the entire experiment.

 

------------

 

So i think that is a fairly loose idea of what i have so far. Patrick will be intense, dynamic and someone who cries at the drop of a hat. Colin will be gay, relaxed, extremely happy go lucky and will be gunning for Patrick in what he sees as a golden opportunity in extremely undersized bed. I'm not sure what the result of the experiment will be, as the storyline doesn't depend on the outcome. I believe you will get viewers with this one and i mean some serious numbers.

 

 

Lastly, can i just say that the new Doctor Who is fantastic and also congratulations on your success with Cash in the attic. Love them both and wish you continued success!

 

 

Any thoughts at all please feel free to get back to me at this address.

 

 

Sincere thanks, Greg Mountain

I did actually get a response for that. It was quite a short one

  Quote

Sorry but I think you have the wrong email address.

 

This is the RSPCA.

 

Thanks

In a way though i was cheating because it was only to inform me it was the wrong place to send it to. It would have been way harder if i'd sent it to the right place.

Great idea! The RSPCA is nothing like the nutbars at PETA though.

Another thing that's fun to do is get on the Scientology mailing list and then send them back all kinds of junk under an assumed name.

  On 10/8/2011 at 4:42 AM, Rambo said:

Anyway, i saw this somethingawful thread and it reminded me of an email i sent last year where i pitched a tv show idea to the RSPCA (the UK equivalent of PETA)

just a tad bit wrong there mate

edit: chen beat me! (off)

  On 10/8/2011 at 4:48 AM, oscillik said:

  On 10/8/2011 at 4:42 AM, Rambo said:

Anyway, i saw this somethingawful thread and it reminded me of an email i sent last year where i pitched a tv show idea to the RSPCA (the UK equivalent of PETA)

just a tad bit wrong there mate

 

edit: chen beat me! (off)

Crikey.

*wolfs out*

Ah showing my ignorance there about PETA. I knew they were a bit hardcore and unpopular but that's all.

  On 10/8/2011 at 5:20 AM, Rambo said:

Ah showing my ignorance there about PETA. I knew they were a bit hardcore and unpopular but that's all.

There's an ASPCA, and they're awesome

PETA is full of shit

Emailed Nintendo Customer Service with this attachment (no text in body)

Email reply the next day:

Hello,

Thank you for your email. I appreciate your taking the time to share your comments with us in regard to the voice actor that does Mario's voice. I can tell that this is important to you and will be happy to add your comments tot he record of feedback for this issue. While I haven't heard of any plans to change to a different voice, and you won't be contacted further regarding this issue, please rest assured that your feedback will be heard and taken into consideration when making decisions like this in the future.

Thanks again and have a great day!

Sincerely,

Sharon Matheny

Nintendo of America Inc.

Nintendo's home page: http://www.nintendo.com/

Power Line (Automated Product Info): (425) 885-7529

Pigster wins thread.

I've done this. Here's one I sent to Burton Foods back in September 2010:

  Quote

Hello there,

 

My name's Iain CXXXXX and I'm an avid consumer of biscuits. Always have been. Since childhood (not that long ago, admittedly!) I've been a big fan of your Maryland cookies in particular.

 

In that spirit, I've got a query about a former product of yours. They were chocolate chip cookies - not unlike Marylands at all - but instead of being flat discs, they were ring-shaped with a hole in the middle. They also had hundreds-and-thousands ("sprinkles") on them.

 

I believe they were called Wizz-O's or something similar, and they were branded with a cartoon wizard on them who looked very happy to be delivering such a fine biscuit.

 

Anyway, my mother brought a packet home from the supermarket one day and I really enjoyed them. For some reason the memory of them popped back into my head recently and I've been trying to find out more about them. Google isn't turning up much - not helped by the fact that I've probably misspelled them. Were they rolled out nationally or just tested locally? This was in South Lincolnshire, probably around 1995-1996 or thereabouts. Presumably they're long discontinued.

 

Any information, images, or promotional material you have in your archive concerning these biscuits would be gratefully recieved.

 

Keep up the good work,

 

Iain XXXX

Biscuit enthusiast

London, UK

And their reply:

  Quote

Dear Mr CXXXXX

 

Thank you for your letter regarding Wizz-O’s.

 

This product was made at our Blackpool site many years ago and was de-listed due to lack of interest. I have contacted staff at our Blackpool site who remembered the product with fondness; however they didn’t have any archive material there concerning this product. I have also contact our packaging department and this has also drawn a blank. However a long standing Blackpool employee who is away on holiday at the moment will be approached on their return, if they have any more information or images etc I will be in with you contact again.

 

Thank you once again for taking the time and trouble to write to us. Sorry we could not be of more help on this occasion.

 

Yours sincerely

 

 

Angela McGregor

Consumer Services Department

They never did get back to me about Wizz-O's.

I once suggested the ham doughnut to Greggs, but they didn't write back.

Nice, guys. 100% success rate with replies as well. That's not to be sniffed at. I doubt we can maintain that record but i'm definitely going to do another in the next day or so.

Your TV show idea sounds amazing btw Rambo!

  On 10/8/2011 at 2:32 PM, modey said:

Your TV show idea sounds amazing btw Rambo!

Serious sexual tension, modey! The foundation of any good study.

  Quote

To: info@glutino.com

Subject: CONTACT US FORM - Tiny Pizza

 

Just purchased one of your spinach and feta pizzas. Upon opening the box, I was quite disappointed to find a tiny 6 inch pizza :(

 

It's a 7+ inch box, the pizza pictured on the front of the box measures 7 inches, I was expecting a 7 inch pizza.

 

6 inches vs 7 inches... doesn't seem like much, you say? Well, Let's do some math.

 

Area of a 7 inch circle: 38.5 square inches.

Area of a 6 inch circle: 28.3 square inches.

 

Essentially, a 7 inch pizza is 36% larger than a 6 inch. By sticking a 6 inch pizza in a 7 inch box, you've shorted me more than 10 square inches of pizza.

 

You've ruined my life, Glutino.

and the soulless bastards wrote back:

  Quote

Hello,

 

Thank you for contacting Glutino Food Group.

I will forward you comments to the appropriate department for future consideration.

 

 

Linda Southern

Glutino Food GroupCustomer Service Representative

About 10 years ago Nottingham County council were looking for something along the lines of the 'Angel of the North' to put Nottingham on the map. I wrote to them and suggested a 200ft statue of Kevin Costner overlooking the M1. I also drew them a picture of Kevin.

They didn't build it.

  On 10/8/2011 at 6:22 PM, Jonas said:

you guys have too much time on your hands.

or . . not enough!!!!

good thread, would read again

Everyone should try emailing http://www.wtfgroup.com/ asking what their name stands for.

I've emailed before and received no reply. My friend phoned and got a cranky lady who claimed it stood for nothing.

  On 10/8/2011 at 6:22 PM, Jonas said:

you guys have too much time on your hands.

Dont forget, it doesn't have to be epic, it can just be a short email to coke asking where your shoes are. The world is your oyster, guys.

  On 10/8/2011 at 6:10 PM, kakapo said:

About 10 years ago Nottingham County council were looking for something along the lines of the 'Angel of the North' to put Nottingham on the map. I wrote to them and suggested a 200ft statue of Kevin Costner overlooking the M1. I also drew them a picture of Kevin.

 

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

In Waterworld.

 

 

 

They didn't build it.

flol

look at this shit http://www.ceoemail.com/

The famous F-Zero GX rant, I think it's the reason we never got any F-Zero game then.

  Quote

Hi,

I just ate a bag of your Scotch Bonnet chilli pepper crisps. While they were very tasty, they were certainly nowhere near hot enough! If you compare them to the heat of other crisps currently available (Jalapeno Pepper from Real Crisps, for example) then these were very tame in comparison. I have eaten Scotch Bonnets in the past and it felt like there was hardly any heat present in these crisps.

I notice that these are a limited edition release, if you do them again, please add plenty more fire.

 

Regards,

 

Andrew Fletcher

And there rather quick response (<30 minutes)

  Quote

Mr Fletcher

 

I thank you for your email regarding our Scotch Bonnet crisps. We are very disappointed to hear that

you were not fully satisfied on this occasion.

 

Before we launched the Scotch Bonnet crisps we ran taste panels and the panellists preferred the

flavouring we use now for its level of spicyness. It is very difficult to create a chilli flavour

crisp that suits all as it is very much personal taste. Some of our customers have provided us with

feedback, some find them too hot and some say not hot enough.

 

We appreciate your feedback and thank you taking the time to contact us. If you can send your

postal address I will send a voucher and invite you to exchange at your local supermarket for another

flavour which might be more to your taste.

Free crisps win!

Nice, feltcher. I forgot about all this. Gonna have to cook something up! Something spicy.

colin jackson is an ex olympic hurdler

i know

a slighty effeminate, black, welsh hurdler to be more precise.