Epic turd battle

I just got back in town at 9 this morning from Portland, OR on a 7 am flight. Usually, my "go time" is 10am, sharp. Sometimes it's a little early, but usually, it's a strong 10. Today, because I was traveling and dealing with cat allergies, I figured I'd relax in a bath and then drop some bombs shortly after.

Nothing was out of the ordinary, no real cramps or sudden urges. Following a bath, I usually lay on a blanket and dry off while listening to WNYC or the JS Bach pandora channel on my iPhone. today it was Wnyc.

When I was dry, I lit a scented candle got on the pot, like I normally do. It was about 10:50. I started my on-the-pot routine of checking my email and my Words With Friends. Usually, I dont have to wait long for relief, but this time, things would be different.

I felt that this movement was going to be unpredictably larger than usual. I figured I'd keep playing wwf until things started happening, like I normally do. But noting was happening. It was like pressure was building, instead of releasing.

A while back, I learned its better not to push and to just breathe deeply and relax, but that wasn't working. It seemed that what wanted to come out was much too large to do so. I tried adjusting my position to maybe getting things started in a better direction, but very little happened. The turd was starting to crown slowly, but gave no signs of a quick release.

I decided, after some shifting, wiggling and stretching, to put the phone down and give this thing 100% of my concentration. It was moving so slow. At some point, it felt like I had a pole sticking out my ass and I was perched upon it like a scarecrow. That's the image I had, anyway.

This shit was barely budging. It was a bit shocking, to be quite honest. I guess all of my allergy medicine must have dried me up or constipated me. Not sure. All I know is that this thing was fighting back.

It felt like a fucking brick. I started trying to push, but very little happened. I pushed harder. Not much more. At a couple points I actually ran out of strength and had to take a push break, regroup my strength and start over.

I could feel it moving VERY slowly. After a while had passed, I checked the time. It was 11:10. I had been fighting this turd for 20 minutes. At 11:11, I made a wish that this turd would give up and drop out of my ass without anything getting torn.

At a couple points, I broke into a sweat. I kept pushing. Little by little, it moved along, but I couldnt tell how much there was. It was smelling like a zoo from the turd mostly being out of the water. My guess was that at this point, I had been pushing for so long that the amount of shit in the bowl was more than the amount of water. The image in my head of what may lay beneath me was that of a black pile of tar-like cow flop.

I started grunting and moaning. I straightened my legs out. Grabbed onto things. A few times I had false senses that it would speed up and that gravity would step in and bail me out. This thing was too dense to even clench off and start fresh. At some point, it broke in half, but it felt like I had made zero progress. I even started praying at one point. I said a fucking Hail Mary. I kept pushing and concentrating, taking the occasional break to breathe deeply and relax, only to start again. I kept thinking that this has to be somewhat what labor is like for a woman.

Finally, I felt a bit tingly in my insides and the turd slid out. I just about shed a tear as I collapsed with relief.

I stood up and looked at it. To my surprise, it looked like your average turd. Maybe a tiny bit wider. It was a bit stumpy and light brown in color.

When all was said and done, it was 11:33. I had been fighting that turd for nearly 45 minutes straight.

Following the whole experience, I felt I had actually changed or transformed in some way. I started thinking metaphorically about the experience, and I'm not sure completely, but I feel like an era of my life may have ended and given way to a new one in my bathroom right then.

I'm not sure if I would call it a religious experience or a spiritual awakening, but something important happened and I think it will take some time for me to fully comprehend it.

I may need the better part of the day to recover from this.

Just thought I'd share.

Made my week

i was just imagining this the whole time while reading that.

good point, well made.

Someone needs to add this as a late nominee for best post / thread of 2012.

Sounds like it was a psychological thing. You expected the worst (ripped anus/big poop standing tall in the bowl like a proud cobra) but it was just a regular turd. Sluggish bowel movements can make a grown man cry. I recommend Jaaps Health Salts.

A+

would read again

amazing.

jefferoo is master of the turd tale.

Just like Buddha under the Bhodi tree.

But with poop much more heavily involved.

Dear jefferoo:

Please post poop stories more frequently, and keep yourself better hydrated.

Thanks,

naph

you're like the Tolstoy of shit tales.... that was suspenseful, dramatic, and like you noted, maybe religious or spiritual.

Well done. A+

OP is like a scatological James Joyce

If its half way thru just grab a piece of toilet paper and force it out yourself.

go here turd scoundrels

http://www.poopreport.com/

  On 12/28/2012 at 10:08 PM, Brian Sweeney Fitzgerald said:

Someone needs to add this as a late nominee for best post / thread of 2012.

That was a beautiful story. I nearly shed a tear.

You crossed your own personal Rubicon Jefferoo; in a canoe made of shit. We are all very proud of you.

What did you eat in Portland?

  On 12/28/2012 at 9:53 PM, isaki said:

Made my week

but did it make your whole week?

  On 12/29/2012 at 6:46 AM, Xyrofen said:

What did you eat in Portland?

The Cup & Saucer and Cherrywood Apartments Retirement Center. We also had fries at Lardo.

Other than that, we ate some truly epic, home-cooked meals. Pizza, Dungeness Crab with a light Seafood Gumbo, som Ribeye Roast with lots of other fixins. It was quite the week for eatin.

I drank a lot of beer and coffee too.

Aside from today, my bowels were pretty much normal. I also chalk it up to being dehydrated from taking all kinds of allergy meds.

Thanks for your kind words, y'all!

My ass is still pretty sore, fyi.

Next time just do what any good mathematician would do.

  On 12/29/2012 at 11:18 AM, spratters said:

Next time just do what any good mathematician would do.

 

  Reveal hidden contents

Work it out with a pencil.

 

lol

Took a shit earlier that turned out to be mostly farts. Sounded like an M80 went off in the stall when I started.

  On 12/29/2012 at 12:18 PM, Xyrofen said:

  On 12/29/2012 at 11:18 AM, spratters said:

Next time just do what any good mathematician would do.

 

  Reveal hidden contents

Work it out with a pencil.

 

 

lol

lol

dramatic

you are in a new spiritual era, and the shit was a metaphor of shitting out your past impurities

also it was a shit