Some lady's husband comes out as transgender while she's pregnant.

http://www.xojane.com/it-happened-to-me/it-happened-to-me-contest-entry-my-partner-came-out-as-trans-while-i-was-pregnant

Am I weird for thinking that the former-husband-now-wife is an asshole for not coming out sooner and the wife's reactions is oddly accepting? Like, if I got knocked up and the baby daddy told me he wanted to be the baby mommy three months in, I would feel betrayed and I'd probably get an abortion and cut all ties with the person. How could you have a kid and a relationship with a person who wasn't honest about their gender (of all things) before they decided to figuratively bind your lives together by procreating with you!? And note that the author says that she didn't even know if she could be in a long-term relationship with a man but she still decided to have a kid with her partner when she thought she was a man.

i don't even

How exactly does that work?

How can you not know the true gender of the person you're with? I don't...

what?

did the guy get the operation after she was pregnant? How do you "come out" as transgendered? I don't.....huh?

Aren't there tell-tale signs like penises and vaginas and all that, that kind of prevent this type of thing being a surprise?

im absolutely with you.

I remember being at an LGBT meeting one time and hearing some guy saying that once you have the sex change you never have to tell your future partners the truth. I understand the need to feel liberated from your former sex, but it still comes off as incredibly dishonest.

Anyway, I told them that and they tried to ban me from returning for being a "bigot". I told them not to worry about it.

So yeah, I think this guy is an asshole. But then again, if the wife is accepting of it, who am I to judge?

  On 2/1/2013 at 2:22 AM, Smettingham Rutherford IV said:

im absolutely with you.

 

 

I remember being at an LGBT meeting one time and hearing some guy saying that once you have the sex change you never have to tell your future partners the truth. I understand the need to feel liberated from your former sex, but it still comes off as incredibly dishonest.

 

Anyway, I told them that and they tried to ban me from returning for being a "bigot". I told them not to worry about it.

 

 

So yeah, I think this guy is an asshole.

This.

Doesn't matter if you're male, female, in between, straight/gay.... total transparency about things like this is the only way that is respectful of your partner.

This guy(?) is an asshole like you said.

yeah....from my personal perspective if something like that was being withheld from me the relationship would be over.

on one level it may seem like they are rising above trivial things

on the flip side it seems like they are kind of trivializing everything

confused needy retarded attention whores probably

  On 2/1/2013 at 2:20 AM, StephenG said:

How exactly does that work?

 

How can you not know the true gender of the person you're with? I don't...

 

what?

 

did the guy get the operation after she was pregnant? How do you "come out" as transgendered? I don't.....huh?

 

Aren't there tell-tale signs like penises and vaginas and all that, that kind of prevent this type of thing being a surprise?

I'm not authorised by any means to give facts, but as far as I understand transgender doesn't necessarily mean actually having the opposite sex's physical appearance. One of my colleagues recently transitioned (in the last few months) and a year ago it wasn't obvious. It's only in the last six months, after she came out, that she started making changes. I can imagine it's quite a big thing that you'd need to be absolutely sure about before you went along with it, so I can understand not telling anyone until you're certain.

its one thing to not be certain while single,

and another thing to not be certain while your wife is pregnant with your child.

sort that shit out BEFORE you commit yourself (and someone else to you) in a long-term relationship or family.

^this

To give another completely unrelated example, a lot of marriages arise because families who are very religious, pro-life, etc. insist that future parents marry and raise children. I'm certain millions of broken, dysfunctional families of ANY social class have emerged out of such stubborn adherence to such arbitrary ideas with regards to "what God wants/what the bible (or Koran or whatever) says."

  On 2/1/2013 at 2:55 AM, modey said:

 

  On 2/1/2013 at 2:20 AM, StephenG said:

How exactly does that work?

 

How can you not know the true gender of the person you're with? I don't...

 

what?

 

did the guy get the operation after she was pregnant? How do you "come out" as transgendered? I don't.....huh?

 

Aren't there tell-tale signs like penises and vaginas and all that, that kind of prevent this type of thing being a surprise?

 

 

I'm not authorised by any means to give facts, but as far as I understand transgender doesn't necessarily mean actually having the opposite sex's physical appearance. One of my colleagues recently transitioned (in the last few months) and a year ago it wasn't obvious. It's only in the last six months, after she came out, that she started making changes. I can imagine it's quite a big thing that you'd need to be absolutely sure about before you went along with it, so I can understand not telling anyone until you're certain.

I agree with everything you just said and you are (again, from what I know) correct about what qualifies as being transgendered.

But bringing a child into this world with someone before you made such a major transition. It's not a matter of equality and rights but a matter of basic tact and respect. Hell, for all I know in 100 years people might really, really not care if someone they are with is transgendered but for now the bigger issue is simply achieving basic rights for members of the LGBT community. But insisting on that as a social norm is putting the cart in front of the horse. Bringing a child into the mix before you and your partner are even sure they agree with basic moral and ideological beliefs? Fuck. that. shit.

RadarJammer seemed to sum it up well. I dunno. I'm with everyone else who disagrees with the husband-no-wife is an asshole. It's like Ms. Garrison syndrome or something...

  On 2/1/2013 at 3:02 AM, Smettingham Rutherford IV said:

its one thing to not be certain while single,

 

and another thing to not be certain while your wife is pregnant with your child.

 

sort that shit out BEFORE you commit yourself (and someone else to you) in a long-term relationship or family.

Life doesn't always work out the way you want it. It's quite messy, actually.

I wish them luck with raising their child.

  On 2/1/2013 at 3:21 AM, Braintree said:

 

  On 2/1/2013 at 3:02 AM, Smettingham Rutherford IV said:

its one thing to not be certain while single,

 

and another thing to not be certain while your wife is pregnant with your child.

 

sort that shit out BEFORE you commit yourself (and someone else to you) in a long-term relationship or family.

 

Life doesn't always work out the way you want it. It's quite messy, actually.

 

I wish them luck with raising their child.

he's still an asshole.

look, put it this way.

Let's say some guy has been in the closet for years and years to the point where he self-internalized everything and it just sorta "settled". He gets married to a woman, and everything seems fine for a while. They buy a house, have two children, and move up in their careers, make new friends, etc.

Then the guy comes out as gay. The wife had no idea.

What comes next? I would normally assume divorce, which is traumatizing to the entire family unit for obvious reasons.

Then you have the psychological damage of the wife for realizing the man she loved could not reciprocate physical or perhaps even mental attraction, and you have the obvious abandonment because of the divorce.

So yes, the gay husband had been fighting with acceptance for years, and to finally accept his true sexuality is a good thing.

BUT, he's still an asshole for refusing to confront this while leading people on and creating an entire life out of fantasy. Those kids and that wife will be affected negatively, no matter how you slice it, and its not exactly "ok".

both the xx-wife and xy-wife seem like crazy bitches imo. they deserve each other. real talk.

i only feel bad for the kid.

Well, there's a mild difference. Coming out as transgendered doesn't necessarily mean you're gay and want a divorce. I admit it's not the best thing to do.. but it's better now than years down the line, right?

  On 2/1/2013 at 3:25 AM, Smettingham Rutherford IV said:

 

  On 2/1/2013 at 3:21 AM, Braintree said:

 

  On 2/1/2013 at 3:02 AM, Smettingham Rutherford IV said:

its one thing to not be certain while single,

 

and another thing to not be certain while your wife is pregnant with your child.

 

sort that shit out BEFORE you commit yourself (and someone else to you) in a long-term relationship or family.

 

Life doesn't always work out the way you want it. It's quite messy, actually.

 

I wish them luck with raising their child.

 

 

he's still an asshole.

 

look, put it this way.

 

Let's say some guy has been in the closet for years and years to the point where he self-internalized everything and it just sorta "settled". He gets married to a woman, and everything seems fine for a while. They buy a house, have two children, and move up in their careers, make new friends, etc.

 

Then the guy comes out as gay. The wife had no idea.

 

What comes next? I would normally assume divorce, which is traumatizing to the entire family unit for obvious reasons.

 

Then you have the psychological damage of the wife for realizing the man she loved could not reciprocate physical or perhaps even mental attraction, and you have the obvious abandonment because of the divorce.

 

So yes, the gay husband had been fighting with acceptance for years, and to finally accept his true sexuality is a good thing.

 

BUT, he's still an asshole for refusing to confront this while leading people on and creating an entire life out of fantasy. Those kids and that wife will be affected negatively, no matter how you slice it, and its not exactly "ok".

Why do you keep assuming he knew the entire time? He probably didn't. It's something that came up along the way.

It's a shitty circumstance. I don't think he's a shitty person for having to deal with it...

Im assuming this because Im also assuming that the decision to alter one's gender does not occur due to spontaneous whim, but rather a prolonged build up and struggle with coming to terms with accepting such a life-altering decision.

In other words Im leaning more towards the "its biological" camp, than by spontaneous lifestyle choice.

  On 2/1/2013 at 3:30 AM, modey said:

Well, there's a mild difference. Coming out as transgendered doesn't necessarily mean you're gay and want a divorce. I admit it's not the best thing to do.. but it's better now than years down the line, right?

sure it is! but it's still dishonest.

  On 2/1/2013 at 2:55 AM, modey said:

 

  On 2/1/2013 at 2:20 AM, StephenG said:

How exactly does that work?

 

How can you not know the true gender of the person you're with? I don't...

 

what?

 

did the guy get the operation after she was pregnant? How do you "come out" as transgendered? I don't.....huh?

 

Aren't there tell-tale signs like penises and vaginas and all that, that kind of prevent this type of thing being a surprise?

 

 

I'm not authorised by any means to give facts, but as far as I understand transgender doesn't necessarily mean actually having the opposite sex's physical appearance. One of my colleagues recently transitioned (in the last few months) and a year ago it wasn't obvious. It's only in the last six months, after she came out, that she started making changes. I can imagine it's quite a big thing that you'd need to be absolutely sure about before you went along with it, so I can understand not telling anyone until you're certain.

Thanks for the input. I was pretty sure theres some physicality to being transgendered though? Otherwise you're just a crossdresser.

Or a woman in a mans body or vice versa, or a feminine man, etc etc etc.

But you're probably right. I think its just common perception that theres a physicality to it.

hairy tits FTW

  On 2/1/2013 at 3:43 AM, Smettingham Rutherford IV said:

Im assuming this because Im also assuming that the decision to alter one's gender does not occur due to spontaneous whim, but rather a prolonged build up and struggle with coming to terms with accepting such a life-altering decision.

 

In other words Im leaning more towards the "its biological" camp, than by spontaneous lifestyle choice.

 

  On 2/1/2013 at 3:30 AM, modey said:

Well, there's a mild difference. Coming out as transgendered doesn't necessarily mean you're gay and want a divorce. I admit it's not the best thing to do.. but it's better now than years down the line, right?

 

 

sure it is! but it's still dishonest.

I'm saying that they aren't always consciously aware of why they think a certain way. He might have been struggling with it for a long time but didn't know how to put it into words or how to accurately explain it. These things can take lifetimes, and often come out at inopportune times.

  On 2/1/2013 at 3:56 AM, StephenG said:

Thanks for the input. I was pretty sure theres some physicality to being transgendered though? Otherwise you're just a crossdresser.

I can understand why you think this, but just so you know, that is incorrect, and it would be very offensive if you said that to an actual transgendered person.

crossdresser = someone who identifies as a man, but dresses up like a women for pleasure. there are both straight and gay men that crossdress, but usually the term applies to straight guys who use it as a sexual fetish. otherwise it's drag.

transgendered = someone who honestly feels as if they were born the wrong sex, and has chosen to permanently identify as the opposite sex, regardless of whether they are post-op or not.

repression is a hell of a drug.

Seems pretty fucked to me to be so stupendously dishonest if xy had any knowledge about this beforehand. But, hey, if they're (BOTH) happy, what's the problem? It'll be tough to explain to the kid but I don't think it will necessarily fuck them up. They'll just have a more flexible understanding of gender and honestly I don't see how that would be a bad thing.

here's a piece i had to read last semester by a transgender professor who had several children with another woman before transitioning.

http://www.annelawrence.com/mywords.html

this thread reminded me of the "journal" part, anyways.

edit: or a child, anyway. i don't remember.

  On 2/1/2013 at 4:18 AM, ganus said:

transgendered = someone who honestly feels as if they were born the wrong sex, and has chosen to permanently identify as the opposite sex, regardless of whether they are post-op or not.

It's kind of like putting your shoes on before your hat when you go outside: Kind of dumb, but it happens.

  On 2/1/2013 at 4:25 AM, sweepstakes said:

 

  On 2/1/2013 at 4:18 AM, ganus said:

transgendered = someone who honestly feels as if they were born the wrong sex, and has chosen to permanently identify as the opposite sex, regardless of whether they are post-op or not.

Transsexual = post-op, right? Or is that something else entirely?

The distinction between transgender and transsexual can be kind of complicated, as far as I can tell. I think that's generally the idea, but some post-op people prefer to identify as transgender, and some pre-op people identify as transsexual...