I used to confide in a lot of people here, this was my home away from home, and it feels like you've abandoned me.

Let's begin. My name is Alexander Edward Moore, I was born in Saint Francis hospital in Tulsa Oklahoma to my parents Sandra Kay Moore and Vincent Monroe Moore. I want this to be very clear.

I was born on May 29th 1993. I have paranoid delusions about people stalking me, people viewing me through my webcam, people threatening me that I think are real.

My family has convinced me that I'm insane but I don't believe it. I have been living in a state of terror for a very long time. This has been going on for almost 8 years. I am an artist, I can't get a real job, I'm too scarred and the people from my town honestly treat me like garbage. I need an opportunity. This is hell.

I have been working HARD, HARD to break these walls down. I have searched every nook and cranny of this town, of my life, of the internet, trying to find answers, picking, prodding, trying to find out what the hell is going on, trying to figure out why I'm not successful, trying to figure out why everyone is ignoring me and it's all turning up null. I only get more frustrated.

I am going through hell, and I have been going through hell. I feel abused, I feel lost, I don't know how I'm going to get anywhere like this. I've been homeless, I've been on the streets, I fucking HATE that lifestyle, I HATED the people I had to fucking endure, and I will NEVER, EVER in my life go back to that. I'm fucking terrified that will happen and I will not let it.

Are any of my friends still here? Atop? Luke Viia? Karma Kramer? I have no real friends. I have no one to turn to about this but the internet now. No one seems to believe me in real life.

It's me, Al5x... I know you like to joke a lot on this website, and people like to joke a lot on the internet but this is anything but a goddamn joke I promise you. I'm gonna ask you to please respect me and what I'm going through right now.

I guess it's not so easy to seek proper medical help in the USA, over here in the UK we really take the NHS for granted.

I hope someone near you can reach out and help you.

I don't believe there's anything wrong with me mentally, all of my therapists and psychologists have agreed with me, I don't exhibit any of the traits of a schizophrenic and I believe I can come as close as a person can to proving that I'm 100% sane. that's what's so smelly about this shit. So..so smelly.

that sucks man, it's good that you know these are delusions but don't be afraid to go outside and meet some people, don't lock yourself up

you seem to be working hard to get your life back on the rails and i respect that

  On 6/19/2017 at 2:20 PM, Ivan Ooze said:

don't be afraid to go outside and meet some people, don't lock yourself up

yes. fuck the internet (if you're not getting anything out of it).

I remember reading posts by the members you mentioned, but I don't know when the last time they where active was... gl man, this world is sound

Luke Viia pops up every now and then, I think. He's a dinosaur, right?

Also Atop

Health professionals won't be able to diagnose you or estimate your problems properly if you dissimulate or hide your symptomatology during your meetings. An examination with a psychologist, therapist or psychiatrist is not a game of proving how sane or normal you can be, but an opportunity to reveal what you're struggling with on the inside.

Schizophrenic or dissociative symptoms are underdiagnosed because of high thresholds so as not to subject people unnecessarily to the stigma of such diagnoses. If you are not being taken seriously, you need to be more candid with the issues you're having. Explain how you're suffering. If you're desperate, be desperate.

There are people who wondered and worried about you for years after you left. But a lot of people who were around back in the day have left, or at least are much less active. Karmakramer changed name to compson and left. I vaguely recall Viia being around in the past couple of years, same with bubs and others. Atop is less active around here but is running regular ambient shows in Dallas and sharing it on Facebook. as for the rest it's hard to say, I haven't been keeping close tabs myself.

If you wanna talk just shoot a pm.

  On 6/19/2017 at 2:20 PM, Ivan Ooze said:

go outside and meet some people, don't lock yourself up

 

You'd be surprised how much I've done of that. Homelessness will take you through the true gauntlet of humanity. Real life is...very, very disappointing.

I maintain that this is all real, I am not insane, and I just want a record of that I believe that.

I def remember your old screen name. I hope you get well man, that sounds like it is torture. Everyday is a new chance though. I hope there is help around you.

Aww kinda sorry you got made fun of in that other thread now. I wanna say things will get better, but i know that kinda banter falls on deaf ear in this type of situation doesn't it? Hmm...wish i had some real advice for you

I'm sure you've thought of it but look into cutting ties with that town. It's difficult and likely a little costly, but you may find it to be the first step in the journey you want

watmm is a v different beast and most everyone is gone (certainly the people you listed do not post regularly) Sorry if you feel abandoned but try to believe me when i say it's not out of causing you any ill will

  On 6/19/2017 at 1:46 PM, Qalab Wighek said:

 

Let's begin. My name is Alexander Edward Moore, I was born in Saint Francis hospital in Tulsa Oklahoma to my parents Sandra Kay Moore and Vincent Monroe Moore. I want this to be very clear.

 

I was born on May 29th 1993. I have paranoid delusions about people stalking me, people viewing me through my webcam, people threatening me that I think are real.

My family has convinced me that I'm insane but I don't believe it. I have been living in a state of terror for a very long time. This has been going on for almost 8 years. I am an artist, I can't get a real job, I'm too scarred and the people from my town honestly treat me like garbage. I need an opportunity. This is hell.

I have been working HARD, HARD to break these walls down. I have searched every nook and cranny of this town, of my life, of the internet, trying to find answers, picking, prodding, trying to find out what the hell is going on, trying to figure out why I'm not successful, trying to figure out why everyone is ignoring me and it's all turning up null. I only get more frustrated.

I am going through hell, and I have been going through hell. I feel abused, I feel lost, I don't know how I'm going to get anywhere like this. I've been homeless, I've been on the streets, I fucking HATE that lifestyle, I HATED the people I had to fucking endure, and I will NEVER, EVER in my life go back to that. I'm fucking terrified that will happen and I will not let it.

Are any of my friends still here? Atop? Luke Viia? Karma Kramer? I have no real friends. I have no one to turn to about this but the internet now. No one seems to believe me in real life.

It's me, Al5x... I know you like to joke a lot on this website, and people like to joke a lot on the internet but this is anything but a goddamn joke I promise you. I'm gonna ask you to please respect me and what I'm going through right now.

 

firstly you said that you have paranoid delusions, that you live a terrible life cause of that and other problems and then that you don't believe somathing's wrong with your mental health? have you found better explanation?

  On 6/19/2017 at 2:09 PM, Qalab Wighek said:

I don't believe there's anything wrong with me mentally, all of my therapists and psychologists have agreed with me, I don't exhibit any of the traits of a schizophrenic and I believe I can come as close as a person can to proving that I'm 100% sane. that's what's so smelly about this shit. So..so smelly.

i agree with chim, better don't dissimulate. has anyone told you that you have mental problems, disorder, an illness? cause this could be schizophrenia, schizotypal personality disorder, paranoid personality disorder and even borderline personality disorder in a state of a psychotic decompensation...remotely but could be severe recurrent depression with psychotic symptoms but i doubt it is

maybe things are not that bad but if it's schizophrenia then you must take medications regularly even in a state of remission to prevent relapses cause every acute state of psychosis is very VERY toxical to the brain

one of the biggest problems with schizophrenia is that person loses insight in their mental states (not just in sch but in any psychosis). the lack of insight it the most prominent symptom of sch, 97% (hallucinations 74% and delusions 70% (WHO 1973.))

that being said...maybe nothing's really wrong with you but it could be, cause that life that you've described is not normal nor good, my friend

EDIT: i'm 100% sure you can find friends here. lot's of good ppl here imo

Uh, wow...I gotta be honest, that just reads like a bunch of really creepy "bend to the will of the system" talk to my eyes. Anyway, I don't want to talk about this too much right now, I've got more important things to do. I'm here for support, not advice, to be honest. I was just wondering why you guys were ignoring me. Something seemed off.

More on all this later.

  On 6/19/2017 at 7:18 PM, Qalab Wighek said:

Uh, wow...I gotta be honest, that just reads like a bunch of really creepy "bend to the will of the system" talk to my eyes. Anyway, I don't want to talk about this too much right now, I've got more important things to do. I'm here for support, not advice, to be honest. I was just wondering why you guys were ignoring me. Something seemed off.

 

More on all this later.

well, to be honest, you're the one how ignores right now. what i wrote to you was support and few advices. you're ignoring what people say to you.

you can't make me lie to you. i gave you few advices cause i believe you need those too, not just support, cause you're not being realistic about your state of mind and your life, same as you're not nor will be realistic about the problems that you think other people have on watmm, and probably other places

what kind of suppotr do you need? can you be more specific?

  On 6/19/2017 at 6:15 PM, dr lopez said:

watmm is a v different beast and most everyone is gone (certainly the people you listed do not post regularly) Sorry if you feel abandoned but try to believe me when i say it's not out of causing you any ill will

  On 6/19/2017 at 2:22 PM, usagi said:

 

  On 6/19/2017 at 2:20 PM, Ivan Ooze said:

don't be afraid to go outside and meet some people, don't lock yourself up

 

yes. fuck the internet (if you're not getting anything out of it).

 

^ good advice

  On 6/19/2017 at 2:51 PM, doublename said:

Luke Viia pops up every now and then, I think. He's a dinosaur, right?

  On 6/19/2017 at 2:51 PM, hello spiral said:

Also Atop

I have ATOP's email and I talk to him outside of WATMM fairly often - I can PM that to you as well.

He and Luke are still active here as far as I can tell, at least lurking / occasional posting. Just no super active.

I remember your old screen name as well. Hope you find some help and solace out there. Nothing wrong with posting here, something it's good to type stuff out and get it out of your system a little bit.

Best I can say is plan to improve you state of mind and situation. It's probably a good idea for a change: new place, new job, new living situation. Just make a plan. Make lists. Make back-up plans and back up lists, and go from there. Sounds like you've been though a lot of heavy stuff. It's easy to get perpetually bogged down by it. Just about everyone goes through something like that to some extent. Everyone has a low point. Everyone has a point of being overwhelmed and lost. It's always possible to get out of it. I'm afraid I can't chime in on any specific way to help.

This is basically Joyrex's fault ...

we need CHATMM back, ASAP.

but really though i hope u come out of this cloud. best wishes from me to u

  On 6/19/2017 at 7:18 PM, Qalab Wighek said:

 I was just wondering why you guys were ignoring me.

Might have something to do with it all being through manic-sounding posts in the more banter-y general banter threads from some new user "Qalab Wighek."  Laying it out in a separate thread like this is working much better I think.

  Quote

I'm here for support, not advice, to be honest.

Sorry man, it's just that a lot of good people's natural tendencies is to try to help by providing constructive advice.  Many of us have been through some SNAFU periods in our lives too.  My advice, were I to give it to you (and I'm not), would be to open yourself to the possibility of exploring some of the advice offered by others in this thread.  Improving your situation goes a long way towards improving your situation.  For all I know you could just be a bot in my personal matrix though, designed to test my capacity for free will and empathy on the same day I had an ultrasound done on my testicles (true story). So I'm not going to give you advice, only support.  I wish you peace of mind, health, and balance in your life forward.  Go get 'em tiger.

i think posting yours and your parents real names, and your place/date of birth on a public forum is dangerous and a sign of a bad mental state.

reaching out to people you don't know, on a public internet messageboard for support is also probably not the best plan.

i understand you're probably feeling desperate and feel you need any support you can get, but i think this thread could potentially worsen things.

my advice is to delete it asap.

you come off as extremely arrogant to demand and actually expect random people on the internet to bow down and respect you and buy your album 

yes it's true- openly antagonizing a group of people on the internet is #1 no-no if you're looking for friendship. Like never ever do it.

THAT SAID people on watmm are actually very friendly and are ready to help! This thread is obvious proof

  On 6/20/2017 at 2:29 AM, dr lopez said:

yes it's true- openly antagonizing a group of people on the internet is #1 no-no if you're looking for friendship.

 

 

I'm sorry, I'm very angry and I'm scared and I feel like I'm being gaslit and manipulated but now's not the time to capitulate to fear, I've done that my whole life. It ends now. I'm not afraid. I'm not afraid of my name being on the internet, I'm not afraid of my mom and dad's name on the internet. I'm good people and... I thought they were. I'm not sure anymore.

This isnt IDM

Please don't go shooting anyone. Seriously, please don't. Your last post has me really worried.