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The Things They Don't Tell You (But Should): A Guide To Life

Joyrex

By Joyrex
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Joyrex Grand Master

Joyrex

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Cartoonist and illustrator Winston Rowntree has created a guide to life:

Text - Things They Don't Tell You (But Should) A Guide to Life

Cartoon - Money is the root of all evil, but if you have no money then society willl scorn you. The less evil you have, the less people will think of you. Welcome to Earth.

Cartoon - Love is like a grocery store apple: look all you want, but you'll never find one without a huge dent in it. Nobody's perfect--especially you.

Cartoon - Each of us is merely one of trillions of organisms upon trillions of planets within trillions of galaxies within an endless and infinitely spiraling universe, and yet you will still meet people who consider themselves to be "important." These people are known as "men" and "women." You may want to avoid them.

Cartoon - Almost everyone in the world watches television, and millions of people are involved in television production, and yet there is not a single show on TV that accurately depicts real life. This will doom you to a life of shattered expectations as you have already spent about 30% of your existence watching sitcoms.

Giraffe - ID Tall people only date other tall people, so if you turn out to be short then don't bother looking up.

Line art - If you turn out to be pretty, people will view you with resentment because everyone assumes that attractive people are just charming their way through life and are thus a bunch of empty-headed parasites. You will not find any sympathy, because everyone knows that attractive people have perfect lives. This will result in a bitter, lonely existence.

Cartoon - If you turn out to be ugly, everyone will like you because you're worse-looking than them. However, nobody will love you because you're worse-looking than them. This will result in a bitter, lonely existence.

Cartoon - The majority of people are borderline sociopaths who'd step over your corpse to get a better parking space, and yet they won't hesitate to pass howling judgement on you if you screw up in even the most minute, insignificant way. Just one more reason to not screw up. Ever.

Line art - Early to bed and early to rise makes you a member of the working class. Wealthy people get to sleep in.

Cartoon - Everyone is full of wonderful advice that they won't hestitate to thrust upon you at the slightest chance. Everyone is full of something else, too, so you might want to pass on the advice.

Cartoon - If you talk too much they'll make fun of you. If you don't talk enough they'll make fun of you. If you laugh too loud they'll make fun of you. If you never laugh they'll make fun of you. If you smile all the time they'll make fun of you. If you never smile they'll make fun of you. If you're too nice they'll make fun of you. If you're too nasty they'll hate you-- but at least they won't make fun of you.

Cartoon - There's a huge difference between thinking about something and actually doing it. Try to choose appropriately.

Cartoon - #3 To be considered "a success", you must slave to simultaneously meet or exceed the expectations of everybody you ever meet throughout your entire life, and then constantly maintain an upward trajectory until the day you die. To be considered "a failure", you must do the opposite (ie: nothing). Guess which is more fun...

Cartoon - There are more than six billion of us on Earth, so you're not actually unique or special (but we like you anyway). If you want to be truly different, you're really going to have to go out of your way.

Cartoon - ZV CAMEL JUBE RUM The only thing worse than tooth decay, emphysema, and liver disease is old age. So go nuts!

Cartoon - If you evenly divide the planet's wealth, we each get a couple thousand dollars. We have more than that because all the people in Africa have about five cents. Oh, but don't feel bad--they live thousands of miles away and you'll never have to meet them.

Text - If you don't like your house, you can get a new one. If you don't like your city, you can move to a different one. Even if you don't like your country, you can emigrate to another one whenever you like (usually). But if you don't like your planet, you're out of luck.

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ambermonk Grand Master

ambermonk

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This should be the quintessential bedtime story for all future generations.

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  On 10/21/2015 at 9:51 AM, peace 7 said:

To keep it real and analog, I'm gonna start posting to WATMM by writing my posts in fountain pen on hemp paper, putting them in bottles, and throwing them into the ocean.

 

  On 11/5/2013 at 7:51 PM, Sean Ae said:

you have to watch those silent people, always trying to trick you with their silence

 

Braintree Grand Master

Braintree

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  On 1/10/2020 at 9:01 PM, Joyrex said:

Line art - If you turn out to be pretty, people will view you with resentment because everyone assumes that attractive people are just charming their way through life and are thus a bunch of empty-headed parasites. You will not find any sympathy, because everyone knows that attractive people have perfect lives. This will result in a bitter, lonely existence.

Cartoon - If you turn out to be ugly, everyone will like you because you're worse-looking than them. However, nobody will love you because you're worse-looking than them. This will result in a bitter, lonely existence.

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Extralife Grand Master

Extralife

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Laughing and crying in equal measure.

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https://bandcamp.com/extralife

 

 

drillkicker Veteran

drillkicker

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I can’t believe the split infinitive in the eighth one.

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