New Toilet Paper Dispenser At Work

They put a new toilet paper dispenser in the stalls at work, and the damn thing doesn't allow the roll to spin freely, which every time you try and pull off more than say 3 or 4 sheets, the tension becomes too great and it tears off at the perforation. I have to pull, tear, pull, tear, pull, tear, in some vain attempt to yield a wad of paper substantial enough to cleanse my backside of any butt mud left over after a nice colon workout.

If honestly this is some way for my Firm to save money on supplies, I'm going to find the purchasing manager and take a dump on their Herman Miller Aeron Chair in protest.

an old roomate of mine had OCD and i swear he used like a quarter of a roll each time he took a shit. i got so pissed off by that especially cause it seemed like i was buying the majority of the tp. ahhh roommates.

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you know like when you're filling up your car with petrol and the pump keeps cutting out coz of the safety cutoff thing and it's well annoying. that's a bit like toilet paper dispensers that cutoff the paper too quickly.

sorry, i'm really stoned.

  On 10/20/2009 at 9:13 PM, BCM said:

you know like when you're filling up your car with petrol and the pump keeps cutting out coz of the safety cutoff thing and it's well annoying. that's a bit like toilet paper dispensers that cutoff the paper too quickly.

 

 

sorry, i'm really stoned.

Stoned or not, that is a perfect analogy.

  On 10/20/2009 at 9:06 PM, yek said:

an old roomate of mine had OCD and i swear he used like a quarter of a roll each time he took a shit. i got so pissed off by that especially cause it seemed like i was buying the majority of the tp. ahhh roommates.

Mine used to do the same thing, so one day I confiscated the last of the TP and hid it away in my room in protest. I figured he'd let out a yelp and I could make my point about where TP comes from. Days passed, air freshener was used and I was baffled as to how he was taking a shit each day without wiping. I thought maybe he had mastered the three shells or something, till one day on a particularly long dump I decided to take a gander at a magazine and discovered the pages had been aggressively torn out. All that was left was the shell of the magazine and the nubs of each page.

Haha. gold. i bet every time he ripped out a piece he cursed you

Man, you guys have your fingers on my pulse today!

LMAO Barricade!

The toilets here have that fuckin TP-snapping feature. The key is to unroll it soooooo slowly you are going to shit yourself.

Also, we have motion-detecting flushing mechanisms, which leads to this:

- I enter the bathroom and hear the toilet flush.

- But the door is open, so I enter the stall. The toilet flushes again.

- I turn around and begin to unbuckle. The toilet flushes.

- I pull my pants down and squat to sit on the toilet seat. The toilet flushes again, and sprays my ass and the toilet seat with water.

- Someone walks in, so I pretend I don't exist.

- I sit down on the toilet and, as I begin to pee, lean over to unzip my bag to pull out a crossword. The toilet flushes, spritzing my cock, balls and choad with pee-water.

- I'm doing my crossword and deploy the first wave of GI Joes into the breach. The toilet flushes, making a Baskin Robbins Triple Fudge Chunk Jackson Pollack on the pimpled canvas of my nether-region.

- I spend 35 minutes getting my toilet paper ready, as per the method above. I stand up to begin wiping, and the toilet flushes, dusting the toilet seat with my anal umbridge as if it were a chocolate-powdered porcelain donut. The other person has finished peeing and pauses momentarily to reflect on this being the third toilet flush in the span of five minutes.

- I finish wiping and lean over to pull up my pants, and the toilet flushes.

- I open the door and step out of the stall. I make eye contact with the other person, whom I recognize, as he is leaving. The toilet flushes. He looks back at me, eyes narrowed, on the way out.

- I wash my hands and open the bathroom door to leave. There is a cute girl standing outside. She hears the toilet flush again. The other person who was in the bathroom is right there, taking a call on his cell phone. He points, and then the girl looks, at me.

- I'm so angry a teardrop of poo-goo leaks out of my third eye. I must go back into the bathroom to crap and wipe again.

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK

can you just remove the entire roll?

I have long been free of the oppressive dispensory

  On 10/20/2009 at 11:26 PM, verticalhold said:

can you just remove the entire roll?

 

I have long been free of the oppressive dispensory

Are you kidding? Ninjas would swoop from the ceilings and slice my head and wang off in one fell swoop!

  On 10/20/2009 at 11:39 PM, Joyrex said:

  On 10/20/2009 at 11:26 PM, verticalhold said:

can you just remove the entire roll?

 

I have long been free of the oppressive dispensory

 

Are you kidding? Ninjas would swoop from the ceilings and slice my head and wang off in one fell swoop!

oh, well, maybe not then

What about the toilet roll where it's supposed to be two sheets thick, but the sheets seperate because the perforations aren't lined up the same on each side? FUCKING HELL.

just take your own roll into the toilet d00d

i'm glad my workplace just has a simple dispenser, ie. roll on a holder. actually each cubicle has two holders, which is convenient!

if the entire world instead of just japan had washlets wars would be a thing of the past

I agree with Joyrex and encey: certain toilet paper disposals don't allow me to grab a decent handful of paper because it tears apart too easily, and motion sensors that activate the flush are too useful.

Joyrex, you seem to use public washrooms too often, hence your countless poopological anecdotes. Why don't you plan a totally new diet that would make you poop exclusively at home?

Don't grab the paper, just put your hand on the roll inside and turn it. It,s really simple!!!!

anyone ever encounter the electronic ones that are just like the electronic paper towel dispensaries? you have to put some sort of hand or organ out to make it deliver more than 3 squares at a time.

im assuming the only reason these things exist is because of TP theft, which I was definately guilty of in my college days.

Karma has come back to bite me in the ass, pun intended.

lol, you guys always bring up things that i hate, but never really notice that i hate them

  On 10/21/2009 at 3:11 AM, Philip Glass said:

Don't grab the paper, just put your hand on the roll inside and turn it. It,s really simple!!!!

This man is onto it. go right to the source dudes.

  On 10/21/2009 at 3:11 AM, Philip Glass said:

Don't grab the paper, just put your hand on the roll inside and turn it. It,s really simple!!!!

It would be if the goddamned roll wasn't so hard to turn - and besides, it's partially inside a metal enclosure with a shelf above the roll, preventing me from doing this effectively.

Fuck it, I'm bringing my own roll and expensing it

I was recently away from my wife for 2 months (plenty of tp required for that, but for different reasons) and returned home only to find she just bought a 24-pack of 1-ply scott tissue rolls, aka the worst tp ever. Fuck the scott paper products company. Fuck any of you named scott. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

On another note, the 2 advances I do doo appreciate in public restrooms are

(1) the dyson airblade - nuff said; and

(b) soap dispensers that pump out foam instead of that greasy utility grade soap that you can never work into a proper lather.

Whenever I encounter both in the same place I'm like "whoa, classy outfit here."