New Toilet Paper Dispenser At Work

Keep a box cutter with you, make a deep across the bottom of the roll, and yank out the stack of clean rectangular strips of TP.

i once went into a restroom that had no door, but rather a curving mini-hall. and inside it had automatic flushing toilets. it also had automatic sink (with warm water), automatic SOAP dispensers for god's sake and automatic paper towel dispensor. you heardly have to do anything. if only the mirrors were automatic, then they could look at you FOR you

  On 10/21/2009 at 6:37 PM, Calx Sherbet said:

i once went into a restroom that had no door, but rather a curving mini-hall. and inside it had automatic flushing toilets. it also had automatic sink (with warm water), automatic SOAP dispensers for god's sake and automatic paper towel dispensor. you heardly have to do anything. if only the mirrors were automatic, then they could look at you FOR you

No automatic ass wipers?

that was the only thing missing. oh and i guess there was no moving sidewalk into the stall

ok last one:

  On 10/21/2009 at 10:05 PM, Barricade said:

ok last one:

 

  On 10/21/2009 at 10:05 PM, Barricade said:

ok last one:

 

Wtf is he FFFUUUUing about? He's got a newspaper in in his hands.

  On 10/21/2009 at 10:49 PM, Yegg said:

Wtf is he FFFUUUUing about? He's got a newspaper in in his hands.

do you want inky butt cheeks?

what about the McWash? they're shit aren't they.

  On 10/21/2009 at 10:51 PM, Barricade said:

  On 10/21/2009 at 10:49 PM, Yegg said:

Wtf is he FFFUUUUing about? He's got a newspaper in in his hands.

do you want inky butt cheeks?

I would rather have inky butt cheeks than shitty butt cheeks

i really want to stick my dick in a dyson air blade

  On 10/21/2009 at 11:44 PM, beatfanatic said:

  On 10/21/2009 at 10:51 PM, Barricade said:

  On 10/21/2009 at 10:49 PM, Yegg said:

Wtf is he FFFUUUUing about? He's got a newspaper in in his hands.

do you want inky butt cheeks?

 

I would rather have inky butt cheeks than shitty butt cheeks

But they will be inky shitty buttcheeks.

inky stinky buttcheeks

  On 10/21/2009 at 10:49 PM, Yegg said:

  On 10/21/2009 at 10:05 PM, Barricade said:

ok last one:

 

 

Wtf is he FFFUUUUing about? He's got a newspaper in in his hands.

Preventing the toilet from clogging with a newspaper would be my greatest concern in this situation.

  On 10/22/2009 at 1:32 AM, Enter a new display name said:

  On 10/21/2009 at 10:49 PM, Yegg said:

  On 10/21/2009 at 10:05 PM, Barricade said:

ok last one:

 

 

Wtf is he FFFUUUUing about? He's got a newspaper in in his hands.

Preventing the toilet from clogging with a newspaper would be my greatest concern in this situation.

once the newspaper gets wet, it probably has the same properties as paper tissues. I wouldnt worry too much.

*jizzes on porn magazine*

*wipes ass with it*

  On 10/21/2009 at 11:47 PM, messiaen said:

i really want to stick my dick in a dyson air blade

  On 6/11/2009 at 9:34 PM, kakapo said:

I saw a man wash his penis (uncircumsied) in the public basin today. He then dried it in a Dyson Airblade. I didn't stare him down.

Don't do it... the horror, the horror...

lol I must have been the only one who didnt know about the mechanics of Dyson Airblade till now.

this reminds me...

a place i used to work at, they had these dispensers that proudly advertised themselves as the ROLLMASTER 3000. now, i'm not much for reading on the shitter. i just tend to daydream a bit. so, i'd always image this conversation down in HR:

"Oh, yeah, we switched bathrooms over to ROLLMASTER 3000 here in Tools Group -- repairs are down 50%"

"You don't say?? We've had good luck with the ARSEMASTER 3700 but we feel they're overpriced"

what do they talk about down in HR, anyways?? someone let me know.

They talk about employers state of mind and body a lot in HR. Is he fit for the job? Does he drink too much? Does he have personal issues, and is he bringing them to work?

I have no idea if it's the same for all companies but this is the kind of stuff my dads workplace HR talks about.

  On 10/20/2009 at 10:45 PM, encey said:

LMAO Barricade!

 

The toilets here have that fuckin TP-snapping feature. The key is to unroll it soooooo slowly you are going to shit yourself.

 

Also, we have motion-detecting flushing mechanisms, which leads to this:

 

- I enter the bathroom and hear the toilet flush.

- But the door is open, so I enter the stall. The toilet flushes again.

- I turn around and begin to unbuckle. The toilet flushes.

- I pull my pants down and squat to sit on the toilet seat. The toilet flushes again, and sprays my ass and the toilet seat with water.

- Someone walks in, so I pretend I don't exist.

- I sit down on the toilet and, as I begin to pee, lean over to unzip my bag to pull out a crossword. The toilet flushes, spritzing my cock, balls and choad with pee-water.

- I'm doing my crossword and deploy the first wave of GI Joes into the breach. The toilet flushes, making a Baskin Robbins Triple Fudge Chunk Jackson Pollack on the pimpled canvas of my nether-region.

- I spend 35 minutes getting my toilet paper ready, as per the method above. I stand up to begin wiping, and the toilet flushes, dusting the toilet seat with my anal umbridge as if it were a chocolate-powdered porcelain donut. The other person has finished peeing and pauses momentarily to reflect on this being the third toilet flush in the span of five minutes.

- I finish wiping and lean over to pull up my pants, and the toilet flushes.

- I open the door and step out of the stall. I make eye contact with the other person, whom I recognize, as he is leaving. The toilet flushes. He looks back at me, eyes narrowed, on the way out.

- I wash my hands and open the bathroom door to leave. There is a cute girl standing outside. She hears the toilet flush again. The other person who was in the bathroom is right there, taking a call on his cell phone. He points, and then the girl looks, at me.

- I'm so angry a teardrop of poo-goo leaks out of my third eye. I must go back into the bathroom to crap and wipe again.

 

 

FUUUUUUUUUUUCK

lol

i love motion detecting flushing mechanisms. i was using the restroom the other day and as i got up the toilet flushed and the water began to rise to just level with the top of the bowl. it was a close call but there wasn't anything i could do, so i left. on my way out a man passed me and entered the stall and i heard the toilet flush again, then the distinct sound of water hitting the floor and "ffffffuuuuuuuuuuu"

Two plausible solutions:

1 - Bring your own TP

or, if that seems like too much hassle/you have to keep getting more to bring in...

2 - Bring a hammer. Smash tp dispenser. Unroll TP at your leisure. Repeat until company decides to just leave the fucking cover off.

Man, I was helping with research at a National Wildlife Refuge one time with some friends, and I had to take a massive dump after eating a bunch of peanut butter the day before. Not only was there only one toilet at the whole NWR, but it was stainless steel, no actual seat, and it was like 3 ft tall. So first off, no squatting. No big deal, except for the fact that there is no flippable seat. So essentially you're sitting on everyone else's piss and pubes. There was no way around it, because at the height of the toilet, there was no way you could squat and hover over the seat. On top of all that, the shit took forever because it was heavily laden with peanut butter, but when it came time to wipe, I realized some genius decided that the toilet paper dispenser should have a mechanism that prevented the roll from actually making a revolution. Best you could get was a half-roll then tear the sheet, unless you wanted to take the time to manually unwind the toilet paper from the roll.

Worst shitting experience ever. I honestly don't know why I didn't just decide to shit in the woods. Maybe it was shortly after I had the bad experience with the sharp stick I squatted over trying to take an outdoor shit.

Anyway, what would it take to get a FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU smiley added to the list?

  On 10/23/2009 at 1:36 AM, umop_apisdn said:

Anyway, what would it take to get a FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU smiley added to the list?

Seriously. This.

what ever happened to the top deck??????