in exactly 62minutes from now, keltoi will become more than a mere man, for he will be a father.

*inhales deeply*

watmm! i'm home alone so it's extra nice to cum across this thread (stand back ladies!).

clan keltoi has been through the mill over the last 3 days let me tell you...

plummy my dear, i'm afraid your timing was slightly premature (stand back guys!)...

we went in to be induced at 8.45am on friday but this involved 4 hours of monitoring and testing beforehand to see if things were cool to proceed... which they were, so the meds were administered at 12.45 to start the induction process... somewhere along the line 'they' forgot to explain to us that this process takes 24 hours... 10 hours in at around 11pm my mrs. is in agony... not like contraction agony with gaps but full on constant agony all the time. proper contractions and early labour kicked in around 6am...

now she's an earthy type girl so had been preparing for months with self-hypnosis and meditation hoping for as natural a birth as she could manage. she imagined sending the pain to a beautiful exotic beach while reclining in a warm birthing pool with lavender oils smouldering and ambient music in the background. i'd be soothingly massaging her miniscule pains away while wearing a kaftan...

well she tossed that stupid idea right out the window at around 8am and i don't fuckin blame her! she was huffing on gas and air like she was trying to deflate an airship in record time. goes without saying i also had a blast of it too in betwwen nursing her and taking care of her every whim. it's good shit but you'll get caught by the midwife if she comes in right after you've hit it and asks you a question. your voice goes deep like in sloooowww mootttiiiiooooonnnnnnnnn...

another 4 hours later, exhausted after being awake for more than 36 hours, she bit the midwife's arm off when offered some diamorphine. once again i don't fuckin blame her! this monged her out enough to kind of take the pain but contractions were every 2 minutes so getting any rest was still impossible. smacked up she was hilarious and cute slobbering and giggling in between contractions with that same blissed out face you see on junkies in documentaries who've just shot up. the contractions snapped her out of her bliss so she'd pump the gas and air til they passed.

at 6pm saturday the midwife voiced concern that k'd be too exhausted to push the baby out when the time came, which she reckoned would realistically be another 6 to 8 hours! (going by how dilated she was). time for an epidural... serious scary shit which has various risks like permanent paralysis? yes please! epidural numbs her from the chest down and contractions become only slightly uncomfortable so she can finally get some much needed sleep and i can go off and get some cold slop from the canteen before it shuts.

i couldn't sleep when i came back so i read my book til 11pm when they woke her up and examined her to see if push-time was likely any time soon. i'd had 1 hour of sleep in about 40 hours. they said looks like another 2 to 4 hours to go and the pushing process can take up to 2 hours and more sometimes! so they performed some kind of procedure involving scraping skin from the baby's head to analyse it's blood and see if it's up for more of this shite. the Outdated Analysin Machine 2000^TM is apparently shit and doesn't give reliable results after 3 seperate tries so it's decided not to take any chances, that it's more likely the baby can't handle any more stress after the ordeal so far.

so it was decided at 12.30am sunday morning to do a c-section and finally get the wee soul out. i'm dressed in full ER gear and the mrs is rolled through to the theatre. twin peaks surrealness ensues... the smiling friendly surgeon introduces himself and presses play on the cd player... (this was written for wattm and i admit i thought about you and laughed out loud)... phil collins "i can feel it coming in the air tonight... oh lord!" echoed around the spotless bright white theatre and all the nurses and staff sang along and chatted small talk while they prepared her for the chop. i was sat at the head end with a curtain across her chest shielding the view... 10 minutes later the midwife says "ok daddy you can have a look..." and i sprung to my feet and looked over to see my beloved's stomach stretched 8 inches open with clamps and all her bloody insides throbbing and glistening red... "what am i meant to be looking at!!" i plead high pitched and the midwife grabs me by the arm going "no! not yet!!". i'm like "for fuck's sake guys!" as i sit down again the whole room erupts in laughter including my mrs! a few minutes later midwifey says "ok you can look now and tell mummy what you've got." it's 1.09am sunday the 17th...

i tell her and she bubbles and sobs with joy and we share a beautiful moment together, congratulate each other and say our "i love you"s.

while she gets cleaned and closed up i'm taken through to an adjoining room where they clean, weigh (7lbs 13 and a half)and measure the baby, strap on it's first nappy and cute beany hat then let me cut the cord... like cutting a chunky balloon. then we all go back into theatre and mum finally gets to meet her creation properly.

half an hour later they finish closing her up an it's declared how neat a scar she's going to have and it's been a pleasure all round. thankyou thankyou amazing smiling surgeon guy, thankyou lynn you angel/midwife, thankyou various other smiling masked heroes and thankyou phil collins i will never hear that song the same again... after that we have to sit in a post-op holding area for a further hour getting to know our little babby.

next we roll into the lift and up to ward 211 to show me where to find them in the morning. the ward nurse says to me sternly "daddy. this baby has a dirty nappy. do your job!". it's 3am. i'm 40 odd hours awake fucked. spaced. tripping balls. never changed a nappy nor had much experience ever even holding a baby. there never was young kids in my family apart from my brother's 2 who we've never got to see cos he was a loser idiot cunt. don't know where anything is. which way round nappies go. my name. where i am. what's happening to me. HELP!!

called the folks, her folks, her sister and gave them the news... drove home about 4.30am and don't know how i made it. eventually slept... like a motherfucker... my mum woke me at 10 to ask about visiting times ffs. got up. went to hospital and spent the day holding my bundle of joy and changed 4 nappies. got back at 9.30 pm and here i am enjoying a few well deserved beers on my own and writing a novella. are you bored yet?

you know, i've been rambling quite a bit but i'm missing my wee family so it's all pretty theraputic for me right now. i suppose after reading all this, if you're still with me, you might like to know what make and model of human i got after all the rigmarole...

*leans back & puts feet on table*

*exhales slowly*

*resumes trying to stop smoking*

that's a hell of a story, congrats!

hail satan!

  On 10/18/2010 at 2:16 AM, keltoi said:

the smiling friendly surgeon introduces himself and presses play on the cd player... (this was written for wattm and i admit i thought about you and laughed out loud)... phil collins "i can feel it coming in the air tonight... oh lord!" echoed around the spotless bright white theatre and all the nurses and staff sang along and chatted small talk while they prepared her for the chop.

i just about fell off the chair laughing at this. gratz dude

  On 10/18/2010 at 2:16 AM, keltoi said:

7lbs 13 and a half

that's a big healthy babby!

wow!!! that sounds exhausting, euphoric and amazing. congrats keltoi! love the name too. well done man.

congrats man !

thanks guys!

  On 10/18/2010 at 2:26 AM, kaini said:

  On 10/18/2010 at 2:16 AM, keltoi said:

the smiling friendly surgeon introduces himself and presses play on the cd player... (this was written for wattm and i admit i thought about you and laughed out loud)... phil collins "i can feel it coming in the air tonight... oh lord!" echoed around the spotless bright white theatre and all the nurses and staff sang along and chatted small talk while they prepared her for the chop.

 

 

i just about fell off the chair laughing at this. gratz dude

 

  On 10/18/2010 at 2:16 AM, keltoi said:

7lbs 13 and a half

 

that's a big healthy babby!

i couldn't believe it. i burst out laughing and k asked what i was laughing at and i said... "phil... collins. can you feel it?" she doesn't know about the in-joke but found it pretty funny all the same.

-

she's a good sized healthy baby which surprised us cos the bump was so neat. i don't know how it all fitted in there.

i'll ask you regardless. who the hell is THAT!

  On 10/18/2010 at 2:55 AM, keltoi said:

 

i'll ask you regardless. who the hell is THAT!

http://hattiewatson.tumblr.com/

i am kinda in love with her.

Congrats!

Congrats Keltoi. What an amazing event!

let us know when he starts using the internet so i can tell him how much of a loser his father is

im sorry, im drunk. congratulations!

Congratulations old bean

Holy fuck! Your bird got buttfucked up the cunt, and now you have a scar & a babby -- CONGRATULATION!!!!

  On 10/18/2010 at 2:16 AM, keltoi said:

 

*inhales deeply*

 

watmm! i'm home alone so it's extra nice to cum across this thread (stand back ladies!).

 

clan keltoi has been through the mill over the last 3 days let me tell you...

 

plummy my dear, i'm afraid your timing was slightly premature (stand back guys!)...

 

we went in to be induced at 8.45am on friday but this involved 4 hours of monitoring and testing beforehand to see if things were cool to proceed... which they were, so the meds were administered at 12.45 to start the induction process... somewhere along the line 'they' forgot to explain to us that this process takes 24 hours... 10 hours in at around 11pm my mrs. is in agony... not like contraction agony with gaps but full on constant agony all the time. proper contractions and early labour kicked in around 6am...

 

now she's an earthy type girl so had been preparing for months with self-hypnosis and meditation hoping for as natural a birth as she could manage. she imagined sending the pain to a beautiful exotic beach while reclining in a warm birthing pool with lavender oils smouldering and ambient music in the background. i'd be soothingly massaging her miniscule pains away while wearing a kaftan...

 

well she tossed that stupid idea right out the window at around 8am and i don't fuckin blame her! she was huffing on gas and air like she was trying to deflate an airship in record time. goes without saying i also had a blast of it too in betwwen nursing her and taking care of her every whim. it's good shit but you'll get caught by the midwife if she comes in right after you've hit it and asks you a question. your voice goes deep like in sloooowww mootttiiiiooooonnnnnnnnn...

 

another 4 hours later, exhausted after being awake for more than 36 hours, she bit the midwife's arm off when offered some diamorphine. once again i don't fuckin blame her! this monged her out enough to kind of take the pain but contractions were every 2 minutes so getting any rest was still impossible. smacked up she was hilarious and cute slobbering and giggling in between contractions with that same blissed out face you see on junkies in documentaries who've just shot up. the contractions snapped her out of her bliss so she'd pump the gas and air til they passed.

 

at 6pm saturday the midwife voiced concern that k'd be too exhausted to push the baby out when the time came, which she reckoned would realistically be another 6 to 8 hours! (going by how dilated she was). time for an epidural... serious scary shit which has various risks like permanent paralysis? yes please! epidural numbs her from the chest down and contractions become only slightly uncomfortable so she can finally get some much needed sleep and i can go off and get some cold slop from the canteen before it shuts.

 

i couldn't sleep when i came back so i read my book til 11pm when they woke her up and examined her to see if push-time was likely any time soon. i'd had 1 hour of sleep in about 40 hours. they said looks like another 2 to 4 hours to go and the pushing process can take up to 2 hours and more sometimes! so they performed some kind of procedure involving scraping skin from the baby's head to analyse it's blood and see if it's up for more of this shite. the Outdated Analysin Machine 2000^TM is apparently shit and doesn't give reliable results after 3 seperate tries so it's decided not to take any chances, that it's more likely the baby can't handle any more stress after the ordeal so far.

 

so it was decided at 12.30am sunday morning to do a c-section and finally get the wee soul out. i'm dressed in full ER gear and the mrs is rolled through to the theatre. twin peaks surrealness ensues... the smiling friendly surgeon introduces himself and presses play on the cd player... (this was written for wattm and i admit i thought about you and laughed out loud)... phil collins "i can feel it coming in the air tonight... oh lord!" echoed around the spotless bright white theatre and all the nurses and staff sang along and chatted small talk while they prepared her for the chop. i was sat at the head end with a curtain across her chest shielding the view... 10 minutes later the midwife says "ok daddy you can have a look..." and i sprung to my feet and looked over to see my beloved's stomach stretched 8 inches open with clamps and all her bloody insides throbbing and glistening red... "what am i meant to be looking at!!" i plead high pitched and the midwife grabs me by the arm going "no! not yet!!". i'm like "for fuck's sake guys!" as i sit down again the whole room erupts in laughter including my mrs! a few minutes later midwifey says "ok you can look now and tell mummy what you've got." it's 1.09am sunday the 17th...

 

i tell her and she bubbles and sobs with joy and we share a beautiful moment together, congratulate each other and say our "i love you"s.

 

while she gets cleaned and closed up i'm taken through to an adjoining room where they clean, weigh (7lbs 13 and a half)and measure the baby, strap on it's first nappy and cute beany hat then let me cut the cord... like cutting a chunky balloon. then we all go back into theatre and mum finally gets to meet her creation properly.

 

half an hour later they finish closing her up an it's declared how neat a scar she's going to have and it's been a pleasure all round. thankyou thankyou amazing smiling surgeon guy, thankyou lynn you angel/midwife, thankyou various other smiling masked heroes and thankyou phil collins i will never hear that song the same again... after that we have to sit in a post-op holding area for a further hour getting to know our little babby.

 

next we roll into the lift and up to ward 211 to show me where to find them in the morning. the ward nurse says to me sternly "daddy. this baby has a dirty nappy. do your job!". it's 3am. i'm 40 odd hours awake fucked. spaced. tripping balls. never changed a nappy nor had much experience ever even holding a baby. there never was young kids in my family apart from my brother's 2 who we've never got to see cos he was a loser idiot cunt. don't know where anything is. which way round nappies go. my name. where i am. what's happening to me. HELP!!

 

called the folks, her folks, her sister and gave them the news... drove home about 4.30am and don't know how i made it. eventually slept... like a motherfucker... my mum woke me at 10 to ask about visiting times ffs. got up. went to hospital and spent the day holding my bundle of joy and changed 4 nappies. got back at 9.30 pm and here i am enjoying a few well deserved beers on my own and writing a novella. are you bored yet?

 

you know, i've been rambling quite a bit but i'm missing my wee family so it's all pretty theraputic for me right now. i suppose after reading all this, if you're still with me, you might like to know what make and model of human i got after all the rigmarole...

 

 

  Reveal hidden contents

a beautiful little girl! (or a no-tail as plum called it). perfection. we called her fern... with vivienne to follow after her lovely aunty viv (my sis out-law).

 

i'm one exhausted, proud, lucky and rediculously happy man my watmm bretherin! i'll try and post a pic or 2 later on cos my head's up my arse and i left the camera in the hospital. they come home on wednesday. canny wait!

 

love, kel. x

 

 

*leans back & puts feet on table*

 

*exhales slowly*

 

*resumes trying to stop smoking*

is fern a common scottish name or what?

no, it's of old english origin. we didn't like any scottish girls names.

Congratulstions mate, that's awesome

Good show, old bean!

Fern is also an abbreviation for Fernet-Branca

  On 10/18/2010 at 10:52 PM, keltoi said:

no, it's of old english origin. we didn't like any scottish girls names.

she is adorable man. congrats again!

  On 10/18/2010 at 10:52 PM, keltoi said:

no, it's of old english origin. we didn't like any scottish girls names.

My name is Scottish, but I am boy so that was no use to you.

why can't watmm roll anymore? also congs

Love the name.