how do you cope with losing someone?

not looking for pity here, but one of my absolute best bros in the world is in a choking induced coma, and might be brain dead as a result, going on over 72 hours with no sign of function. i've known this guy since we were 13-14 and consider him family.

this is happening in Florida, while i'm in Texas, so it's pretty bizarre and almost unreal. this guy in only 35, has one son and a baby momma (whom we can't stand) and really never did anything with himself.

we partied thru high school and after, most of the 90s and then some. the point is, i'm having a hard time coping with this, and smoking a lot of bud to numb the pain. we're not even sure he's going to die, it's just this limbo, although the doctor said if he lives he will be "severely impaired" does that mean vegetative? if so it will be like he's gone anyway.

anyone with an experience like this, or just advice in general would be greatly appreciated.

Man, that sucks. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Choking-induced coma? Did he choke on something, and as a result, lost consciousness (and vital air to the brain) and ended up in a coma as a result?

I know he's young, and as you said never really did anything, but did he leave any DNR or Living Will papers? Probably not, I would guess. I think it would be up to his parents and his wife (if she is legally his wife) to make a decision to take him off life support if it appears he's not going to recover. I know that's hard to think about, but if there's no hope, ending this sooner rather than later would be best for him, you, his family, wife, etc. than to just "exist" and put everyone through misery watching him in that state. If he was able to, I am sure he'd agree he wouldn't wish that on anyone.

sorry to hear that, man.

losing someone is terrifying.

i know very little about what its like to grieve,

but i would hope there's some solace to be found somehow.

i wish all of you the best of luck in your struggles.

oh man thats terrible. there really is no set way to grieve, especially if the person is still alive. it is cliche to say but it is true, it takes time. no one can move to the next stage unless they unplug him or he wakes up.

i have lost 2 people very close to me and it takes a long long time for it to feel real and to be "ok".

that is a very difficult thing to process, all the best to you and his family though.

i wish you the best of luck

last year one of my close friends in middle and high school died. i find that just talking with friends who him as well really, really does wonders.

does he have any siblings that you can relate to? try hanging out with them for a while, youll find that when it comes up organically its easier to deal with/ feel out the grievances/remember good times

best of luck man, ive been there recently and i understand.

Keep living yourself and keep a part of them inside you. All I can say as somebody who has recently (last year) gone through the heaviest loss of his life (and what will probably be the heaviest loss of my life until my own).

condolences to the grievers.

i had lost a best friend also. like jules said, it's cliche but in time things will get better. i can only speak from my point of view; but it's best to just accept that things are absurd, that's life. be thankful you had the pleasure of knowing him closely. that's how i came to terms with things, by being grateful for the opportunity. i still encounter triggers that put me right back to the hospital bedside saying goodbye which can be a kick in the ass, or times when it feels like he should be around. overall, these things happen.

I dunno man, that's not an easy thing to deal with. Death is sadly an inevitable and some would say crucial part to actual life. All you can do about it is try to live out the gift of being alive to the fullest with no compromise till you check out. There is already plenty of good advice in this thread, I cannot really add anything more than that.

Time heals all. Try not to dwell on it.

Relying on drugs to dull your senses can also delay your grief. Keep that in mind.

sorry to hear this man

that sucks, man. i'd suggest finding somebody to talk to (like a professional) who can at least listen to you and guide you through the pain and confusion.

sorry to hear your bad news rubin. the intervals between gut-wrenching grief get longer and in time you just learn to live without them in your life. cliche i know. i see nothing wrong with getting fucked up with loved ones or close friends and talking about it and crying on each others shoulders, just don't do it habitually to supress your feelings, guaranteed it will hit you sooner or later. i wish you well and remember your mate might come out of this ok with minor (maybe barely even noticeable) disabilities. it's amazing how the body can repair itself. don't lose hope yet.

  On 11/22/2010 at 11:01 PM, Joy Rex said:

Man, that sucks. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Choking-induced coma? Did he choke on something, and as a result, lost consciousness (and vital air to the brain) and ended up in a coma as a result?

 

I know he's young, and as you said never really did anything, but did he leave any DNR or Living Will papers? Probably not, I would guess. I think it would be up to his parents and his wife (if she is legally his wife) to make a decision to take him off life support if it appears he's not going to recover. I know that's hard to think about, but if there's no hope, ending this sooner rather than later would be best for him, you, his family, wife, etc. than to just "exist" and put everyone through misery watching him in that state. If he was able to, I am sure he'd agree he wouldn't wish that on anyone.

woah don't be too hasty suggesting to pull the plug on him! he might recover.

my mate's dad had an accident 6 years ago, suffered massive brain damage after a head injury and coma, lost use of his whole left hand side and the ability to speak. my mate always says he'd rather have him around the way he is than have lost him. he can still enjoy life, it just takes more effort.

thanx guys, luckily i have an amazing woman by my side helping me thru this. it's just tough not knowing what's gonna happen, but that it might be inevitable and we're all stuck wondering together. will keep u lot updated.

Shit man, that's terrible. Glad you've got a bird to hang in there with.

I've lost someone very close to me. Everyone here has already said it; it hurts terribly but improves gradually over time. One thing I discovered about grief is that while bottling it up can't be a good thing, channeling it constantly can create a feedback loop of some sort and be really taxing on your mental and physical self too. Don't forget to take care of yourself and seek comfort from those close to you.

  On 11/23/2010 at 1:40 PM, keltoi said:

sorry to hear your bad news rubin. the intervals between gut-wrenching grief get longer and in time you just learn to live without them in your life. cliche i know. i see nothing wrong with getting fucked up with loved ones or close friends and talking about it and crying on each others shoulders, just don't do it habitually to supress your feelings, guaranteed it will hit you sooner or later. i wish you well and remember your mate might come out of this ok with minor (maybe barely even noticeable) disabilities. it's amazing how the body can repair itself. don't lose hope yet.

 

  On 11/22/2010 at 11:01 PM, Joy Rex said:

Man, that sucks. I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

Choking-induced coma? Did he choke on something, and as a result, lost consciousness (and vital air to the brain) and ended up in a coma as a result?

 

I know he's young, and as you said never really did anything, but did he leave any DNR or Living Will papers? Probably not, I would guess. I think it would be up to his parents and his wife (if she is legally his wife) to make a decision to take him off life support if it appears he's not going to recover. I know that's hard to think about, but if there's no hope, ending this sooner rather than later would be best for him, you, his family, wife, etc. than to just "exist" and put everyone through misery watching him in that state. If he was able to, I am sure he'd agree he wouldn't wish that on anyone.

 

woah don't be too hasty suggesting to pull the plug on him! he might recover.

 

my mate's dad had an accident 6 years ago, suffered massive brain damage after a head injury and coma, lost use of his whole left hand side and the ability to speak. my mate always says he'd rather have him around the way he is than have lost him. he can still enjoy life, it just takes more effort.

Oh, of course! I wouldn't advocate such a thing unless it was sure there was no chance of him regaining consciousness, etc. That's why I said "but if there's no hope"...

I'm very sorry.

  On 11/23/2010 at 5:25 PM, lumpenprol said:

I've lost someone very close to me. Everyone here has already said it; it hurts terribly but improves gradually over time. One thing I discovered about grief is that while bottling it up can't be a good thing, channeling it constantly can create a feedback loop of some sort and be really taxing on your mental and physical self too. Don't forget to take care of yourself and seek comfort from those close to you.

^

Other than getting the typical "Oh im sorry, thats terrible etc etc" there's really no known coping mechanism that I feel is as effective as letting go. I had one of my only friends, closest friends, lose his shit and went on a tirade of violence before killing himself. There's really nothing anyone can say or do because they really don't tend to understand until it hits them close to home.

My best advice is to make peace with your friend and learn to process the feelings you have about it.

  On 11/23/2010 at 4:32 AM, AcrossCanyons said:

Keep living yourself and keep a part of them inside you.

This is excellent advice.

Sorry to hear what you're going through. I've been through similar with losing a parent early through cancer. Watching someone who was always so bright, bubbly and full of life fade away is the most gut wrenching thing. That was over 5 years ago, and grief still catches me out from time to time (Christmas carols. Every time).

As Keltoi said, don't lose hope about a recovery. But if the worst happens, do allow yourself to grieve properly - it's a totally natural thing to do. With me, I had a ton of other things going on at the time (new job, fairly new relationship, moving house) to distract me. As a result, I ended up bottling things up leading to a complete meltdown at the Edinburgh hogmanay fireworks at the end of the year (I think the significance of that year passing hit home).

Chin up

my friend passed away last night, his parents took him off the ventilator and he went peacefully.

his name was Matt and i loved him like a brother. he was a lifelong fan of electronic music, and composed his own along with a few friends of mine. he introduced me to bands like Meat Beat Manifesto, Front Line Assembly, Skinny Puppy, and Wax Trax Records back in the day.

he was my 2nd oldest friend in the world and i will miss him dearly. i realized yesterday he and i have matching Neubauten tattoos we got together back in the day, so i will have that forever on my body, and so will he (which kind of makes me feel a little bit better oddly). he left behind a 10 year old son which is horrible, and i'm afraid Thanksgiving will always be a reminder to his family of his passing, but i hope they turn it into a celebration of his life, and for his son.

i feel like a part of me has died, but he will always be close to my heart, no matter how many years pass.

my condolences man. i am truly sorry and wish the best for you and his family.

shit sorry dood.

post his tracks on soundcloud …….now then….he is a bit more immortal

tip the bottle and pour some out for him

blow a fatty

condolences sent

I am so sorry to hear about your loss.

I hope you can take comfort in the fact that his passing was respectful and merciful, and that his suffering wasn't prolonged for the sake of his loved ones.

  On 11/25/2010 at 12:48 AM, yikes said:

post his tracks on soundcloud …….now then….he is a bit more immortal

Smartest thing you've ever typed.

Zoinks!

Sorry to hear about your friend. lumenprol is right, by the way. Grieving too much is just as bad as bottling up your emotions. This may be a bit blunt, but just because the world stopped for your buddy, it doesn't have to for you. Keep on living.