Foods that make you go #2

hmm it's happening to me again, I can't remember the last dump I had which means I have a huge log coiling up inside as we speak. I'm not ready fir another fight like that. wtf.

i'll just leave this here...

i cooked some spicy turkey sausage with peppers and onions the other night. maybe one wasn't cooked all the way through because i sprayed an inordinate amount of hot lava all over the bowl 5 or 6 times. it was horrible. i was nauseous too and i didn't want to spin and puke into the bowl for fear of splashing myself in the face with the dirty hot water. i think i burned my rectum. in the shower the next morning it was burning. really burning.

lol i miss the scat chat we used to have here.

flaming lips

i think i like the new more human you, troon.

The worst is a bowel movement you regret but with no reason for it.

  On 7/22/2011 at 8:57 AM, hahathhat said:

coffee gets my mornings off to a rip-roaring fart start.

^We have exceptionally nice bathrooms at my workplace. I greet them every weekday morning between 9-10am.

  On 7/26/2011 at 9:20 PM, Joyrex said:

Long John Silver's (takeaway seafood chain slowing dying here in the States; one of my guilty food pleasures) does it to me every time - their battered shrimp gives me the worst gas imaginable, and projectile shits that make me worry I'm going to tear my sphincter into a gaping hole like a punch card on a bean bag toss game.

I used to get very particular shits from Taco Cabana tex-mex restaurants, but switching to black beans over refried solved eveything.

  On 7/22/2011 at 5:22 AM, jules said:

  On 7/22/2011 at 3:53 AM, jefferoo said:

What was it that blocked you up, Jules?

 

I instantly felt lighter and thought of taking a photo but my thoughts quickly turned to wondering if I should somehow slice this meatloaf shaped bomb up somehow to facilitate an easier flush. I had no tools available so I took the chance and it stopped immediately.

I've had a few like that, though one in particular was so substantial I was in awe...though in retrospect I should of had a minor panic attack. You know how islands are really just massive mounds of earth poking out of the ocean? Well let's say this had the same dynamics in my toilet, which is a fairly large capacity model one would find in an American apartment.

After that, I actually got in the habit of flushing as I dropped my ordnance, if I had a particular feeling that it was going to be a big one. Worked quite well, I think I prevented a least a half dozen cloggings.

asperagus

man that will empty you

I think it's awesome that JR still lets watmm have inappropriate poop threads.

I always go to a place in town here called Flying Biscuit. They have the best breakfasts I've ever had.

Waking up early on a day I don't have to be into work until later just to go there... Order the "Eggs-Stravaganza": two eggs, potatoes, a biscuit with apple-cranberry butter, sausage, bacon, and 2 pieces of french toast with a raspberry cream sauce. I have no idea how this much food fits into my 130-pound body. During the course of this feast I always drink 2-3 cups of coffee (free refills!), and take the last one in a to-go cup.

Then, the 10 minute drive home is always a race against the chocolate rocket ready to launch itself straight into my jeans. A combination of ingesting 2x the capacity of my stomach coupled with the laxative properties of coffee has leaves me bellowing a sigh of ecstatic relief on the toilet, whilst my front door and bathroom door are wide open from the panicked rush to the porcelain shrine.

hamburger helper.

help me poop, that is.

c wat i did thar

Friend made some damn good chili last night... and now that I'm awake,I feel I might be able to leave the atmosphere when I poo.

imma get worried when food doesn't make me go no.2

I've bought Jolokia puree (the world's hottest chili) and I'm afraid to use it. I'm about to make a vege-spaghetti dish and I want it to be spicy but I am honestly worried that I'll end up ruining my dinner. It is 10 times hotter than peri peri.

  On 11/18/2011 at 6:10 PM, Squee said:

I've bought Jolokia puree (the world's hottest chili) and I'm afraid to use it. I'm about to make a vege-spaghetti dish and I want it to be spicy but I am honestly worried that I'll end up ruining my dinner. It is 10 times hotter than peri peri.

put a small amount in, stir, taste.. if it's already hot then don't add more, if it's not hot then add more, etc.

  On 11/18/2011 at 7:50 PM, tauboo said:

  On 11/18/2011 at 6:10 PM, Squee said:

I've bought Jolokia puree (the world's hottest chili) and I'm afraid to use it. I'm about to make a vege-spaghetti dish and I want it to be spicy but I am honestly worried that I'll end up ruining my dinner. It is 10 times hotter than peri peri.

put a small amount in, stir, taste.. if it's already hot then don't add more, if it's not hot then add more, etc.

So I ended up putting in a tiny, tiny bit. It turned out awesome. Very hot but awesome. But after an hour or so my stomach started hurting like you wouldn't believe it. I was in pain. I'm not sure if it was because of the chili or something else I might have put in the dish. I'm going to try it again though.

Coffee, black, no sugar. Sometimes if I drink a beer too fast I get the same effect.

Haven't tried to mix the two together, dread to think what'll happen.

off topic…... butt

:

My other most memorable fart was maybe about 9 years ago. I was in a convenience store, and I don't know what the hell I'd been eating, but I let out the most stinkiest SBD (silent but deadly) in the history of mankind. I swaer, it smelled like some kind of hazardous chemicals or something, it didn't even smell like a fart. I get to the counter to pay for my ice cream sandwich, and the clerk is smiling at me. Her smile swiftly changed to a look of horror as she blurted out "WHAT IS THAT SMELL???" I couldn't help but burst out laughing, then I just walked the f**k out. That was some funny ass schitt, man.

"

and then

"My most memorable fart though, besides all of the times I cleared out my meeting room of 25 people, was the time I prevented an ENTIRE GARAGE FULL of 80 technicians from entering the building. We came into my job one day, and all the work crews go into their rooms and sit down when all of a sudden the union boss comes in and asks to speak to all of us out in the main truck parking area. AWESOME!! 80 people all file through this one door into the hangar, and I'm the last one out so I just hang back and stand by the door. I'm giggling to myself knowing that I'm either gonna blast these fools out there or wait until we get back in the room....then it dawns on me. I'm at the door! Everyone has to walk right by where I'm standing to get back to the rooms!!

I held that thing in for close to 5 minutes or so. I had a feeling that the spech was winding down, and timed it perfectly...let a ninja slip out, but nah dude, not in the normal way. I straight up lifted my leg and pulled my asscheek open, and did this thing with my breathing and stomach where I push out more air. I heard the WHOOSH, then shook the cheek a bit to get it going. It hit right away since I was under an air vent, and I opened the door and held it for people to go inside.

The first two got through but covered up their noses and broke into a frightened trot, then as people were getting near and it was spreading from the air vent and I was standing there laughing the whoooole crowd let out a "ohhhhhh ewwww Sweeennnnn whaaa the fucccckk" while I got tears in my eyes CACKLING at the crowd. Some people ran back and didn't catch any, but I'd say about 40 half the group up front caught the vapors. And they all waited a few minutes to come back in.

The even better part was we had some new people who had just transferred into the garage the week before, that was their first introduction to me.

I played poker the night before and drank a whole bottle of Shiraz by myself and ate all these Guacamole doritos, plus some homemade chocolate chips cookies and this cheese thing. Haven't been able to replicate the concoction since then, it must have been just some magic in the air. Really I have no way of describing the smell, but let me just say that I've been smelling my farts for a long-ass time and I was baffled by the odor I produced that day. It was almost chemical, like a weapon. That was the day i got the name Chernobyl Butt."

"We STILL do this at my job, dudes are damn near 45 years old handing farts around. We call it "The King" though, named after the Burger King commercials where The King brings a hamburger from behind his back and hands it to you. Hence, "OHHH, SWEEN DID THE KING!!!".

Every one at work has a pose or two that they execute when they are coming with a loud one. I got three, besides The King. I do the Heisman, where I form a perfect Heisman Trophy pose and present my gift when the arm reaches full extension.

I also enjoy The Crane. When I execute The Crane in a roomful of co-workers someone will undoubtedly shout "Sweep the leg". The key to executing poses is to dramatically form your pose and be as sweeping in your motion as possible, and then when the pose reaches full maturity you demonstrate your scent of the day.

Whutchu know about the Bandleader? I don't think anyone does this one, it takes planning. You gotta be able to walk into a room KNOWING your gonna fart when you get in there, and come in the room HIGHSTEPPING and pumping your arms (or playing air-trumpet with the body twisting side-to-side) like you're leading Grambling out onto the field. And when the time is right to blow the tubas, you absolutely freeze with a look on your face like you just won the lottery. Once dudes know about the Bandleader, you come in a room in full execution and people scramble because they don't know when or where you're gonna order up the horns.

there are several foods that require bathroom planning for me: 1. Steaks at nice restaurants... I don't know why but I can never order one without having an available bathroom within 20 mins and for the rest of the evening. 2. hot peppers... the next day i have very crazy diarrhea--doesnt affect me right away. 3. hot wings... almost instant diarrhea.

yikes

I finally broke down and bought ingredients for a homemade cheese sauce (which, btw Tauboo, was most definitely more expensive...but it tasted amazing!)...I ate too much of it, and long story short spent a few hours loosening pounds of pure anal pudding from my bowels.

Also, not necessarily food, but the instant I walk between book shelves in a public library BAM! Instant bowel movement.