Do you like the first paragraph of the novel I'm writing?

"

It's like I'm walking down some kind of diseased rainforest with the translucent blood of natives raining down on me like liquid hail. Of course it's merely raining in my quaint little hometown, I stop in the gas station to harass the clerk and buy a pack of cigarettes. He calls me bud so I smile at him like I smile at the oncoming traffic that I flash a peace sign to as I zoom past them on my bicycle. The cuter girls smile at me while ugly hags and other losers merely grimace. They don't recognize the beauty of my soul.

"

  Quote

Do you like the first paragraph of the novel I'm writing

  Quote

the beauty of my soul

what do you write for ?

edit : or why do you write for

*strokes mustache*

i like the first paragraph like I like to like novels man.

It was alright until the beauty of my soul bit.

are you looking for constructive criticism?

you will not finish this novel.

  On 10/31/2011 at 12:26 AM, troon said:

are you looking for constructive criticism?

criticize away

  On 10/31/2011 at 12:48 AM, kaini said:

you will not finish this novel.

you're probably right

The descriptive metaphors are as densely packed as Cheez-It crumbs in the fat roll crease of an obese shirtless man who has given up on the pursuit of happiness.

it's better than the first paragraph of my novel.

how about this:

It's like I'm walking in some kind of diseased rainforest with the blood of natives raining down on me. Of course it's just the rainstorms while walking through my quaint little hometown. My mind is in such a mangled state. I stop at a gas station to harass the clerk and buy a pack of cigarettes. He calls me 'bud' and I smile at him like I smile at oncoming traffic. Cute girls smile at me, while ugly hags and other losers merely grimace. None of them, including this bothersome clerk recognize the beauty in my soul.

the rain fell on the town like ball-bearings on my nutsack the last time i had sex with a german chick.

misunderstood genius, ahead of his time

  On 10/31/2011 at 12:13 AM, The Pod said:

"

It's like I'm walking down some kind of diseased rainforest with the translucent blood of natives raining down on me like liquid hail. Of course it's merely raining in my quaint little hometown, I stop in the gas station to harass the clerk and buy a pack of cigarettes. He calls me bud so I smile at him like I smile at the oncoming traffic that I flash a peace sign to as I zoom past them on my bicycle. The cuter girls smile at me while ugly hags and other losers merely grimace. They don't recognize the beauty of my soul.

"

lol

it was good but my teaching in english class said u shouldnt use ' words when your writing a paper so u should do like i'm = i am and don't = donut

  On 10/31/2011 at 1:56 AM, BCM said:

  On 10/31/2011 at 12:13 AM, The Pod said:

"

It's like I'm walking down some kind of diseased rainforest with the translucent blood of natives raining down on me like liquid hail. Of course it's merely raining in my quaint little hometown, I stop in the gas station to harass the clerk and buy a pack of cigarettes. He calls me bud so I smile at him like I smile at the oncoming traffic that I flash a peace sign to as I zoom past them on my bicycle. The cuter girls smile at me while ugly hags and other losers merely grimace. They don't recognize the beauty of my soul.

"

 

lol

lol

It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.

so...is that troon's first constructive post?

Kaini is right, it could qualify for Bulwer-Lytton, you should submit...

  On 10/31/2011 at 1:36 AM, kaini said:

the rain fell on the town like ball-bearings on my nutsack the last time i had sex with a german chick.

Honestly, how the fuck did you know about the German chick?

  On 10/31/2011 at 1:50 AM, yek said:

misunderstood genius, ahead of his time

Thanks! Glad you enjoyed.

  On 10/31/2011 at 1:56 AM, BCM said:

  On 10/31/2011 at 12:13 AM, The Pod said:

"

It's like I'm walking down some kind of diseased rainforest with the translucent blood of natives raining down on me like liquid hail. Of course it's merely raining in my quaint little hometown, I stop in the gas station to harass the clerk and buy a pack of cigarettes. He calls me bud so I smile at him like I smile at the oncoming traffic that I flash a peace sign to as I zoom past them on my bicycle. The cuter girls smile at me while ugly hags and other losers merely grimace. They don't recognize the beauty of my soul.

"

 

lol

Thanks! Glad you enjoyed.

  On 10/31/2011 at 5:17 AM, The Pod said:

  On 10/31/2011 at 1:36 AM, kaini said:

the rain fell on the town like ball-bearings on my nutsack the last time i had sex with a german chick.

 

Honestly, how the fuck did you know about the German chick?

 

From:

"Kathrin LAST NAME REMOVED"

Hi Drew, oh thats so nice to get this mail from you,...

I was happy to get news from you because you didn't answer my first mail,...! sorry that you took your such precious time to write me a mail,...well I'm really busy at the moment and I don't like to communicate with people writing me e-mails like you did! I think your last mail is just ridiculous.

Maybe you should think before you write something like this and don't act like an impatient child!

Good luck!

Am 18.10.2011 um 21:13 schrieb Drew Kent:

Dear Rude Hussy,

Shame on you and your behavior. Your utter malice and lack of caring really gets my blood boiling, and I thought you ought to know that. I took time out of my busy schedule to write you an in-depth response to your inquiries to that awful 'Tegan' about my Whatsgoingsons. And how do you repay me for my kindness? You snub me completely. Well Ms., I think I speak for all of society when I say I hope there is a special place in Hell for people like you.

With Love,

Drew

pls asplain. also i thought i had you on ffabf.

lol @ the german girl emails

  On 10/31/2011 at 12:13 AM, The Pod said:

"It's like I'm walking down some kind of diseased rainforest with the translucent blood of natives raining down on me like liquid hail. Of course it's merely raining in my quaint little hometown, I stop in the gas station to harass the clerk and buy a pack of cigarettes. He calls me bud so I smile at him like I smile at the oncoming traffic that I flash a peace sign to as I zoom past them on my bicycle. The cuter girls smile at me while ugly hags and other losers merely grimace. They don't recognize the beauty of my soul.

"

can one really walk down the rainforest? and liquid hail? cmon Pod. the sentence that starts with 'He calls me bud' is grammatically atrocious, and this first paragraph of your book is merely way too full of merelys. also, nobody likes an egotistical soul.

in other words i merely enjoyed your story, the rain merely came down like powdered mist at a distance of exactly 20 feet away from a diseased whale's blowhole

worthless opinion (some of these i actually mean):

- how do you walk "down" a rainforest? thru, surely?

- the very first phrase in your novel is "it's like" which makes me as the reader think i'm listening to yetafuckingnother teenager talking about something they can't articulate properly... does not bode entirely well for rest of ~200 pages.

-liquid hail is rain, no?

-more commas, use correctly

- if you are on a mere bicycle, surely the traffic zooms past you. if indeed it is you doing the zooming, it is much safer to ride with both hands attached to handlebars, not flashing peace signs willy-nilly (not to mention while smiling instead of watching the road). just a thought.

- also that sentence with all the smiling was too long and my attention span too short to remember what you were talking about by the time i got to the end of it much like this one actually.

- i agree about the beauty of the soul bit.

we wrote the exact same post at the exact same time

:sup:

merely gratuitous misuse of the word exact

ah, you got there first.

i recognise (and bow to) the beauty of your soul.

  On 10/31/2011 at 12:13 AM, The Pod said:

Of course it's merely raining in my quaint little hometown, I stop in the gas station to harass the clerk and buy a pack of cigarettes.

That should be a period or a semicolon. It can't be a comma. You can't use a comma to divide between two independent clauses.

Well I guess you could artistically but this just reads like a mistake.

But keep it up man, and all that.