oyster Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 " It's like I'm walking down some kind of diseased rainforest with the translucent blood of natives raining down on me like liquid hail. Of course it's merely raining in my quaint little hometown, I stop in the gas station to harass the clerk and buy a pack of cigarettes. He calls me bud so I smile at him like I smile at the oncoming traffic that I flash a peace sign to as I zoom past them on my bicycle. The cuter girls smile at me while ugly hags and other losers merely grimace. They don't recognize the beauty of my soul. " Thanks Haha Confused Sad Facepalm Burger Farnsworth Big Brain Like × Quote Hide oyster's signature Hide all signatures I'M SORRY FOR BEING ME I CAN'T HELP THE WAY I AM Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/ Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Babar Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 (edited) Quote Do you like the first paragraph of the novel I'm writing Quote the beauty of my soul what do you write for ? edit : or why do you write for *strokes mustache* Edited October 31, 2011 by Babar Quote Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683124 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest beatfanatic Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 i like the first paragraph like I like to like novels man. Quote Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683125 Share on other sites More sharing options...
tec Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 It was alright until the beauty of my soul bit. Thanks Haha Confused Sad Facepalm Burger Farnsworth Big Brain Like × Quote Hide tec's signature Hide all signatures "They're about guns, lasers, robots with laser guns in space. Monsters from the future. Explosions. Sylvester Stallone doing a backflip on top of a spike while Robocop carries a ghost up a mountain. Bombs and swords and that... IDM is awesome." Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683130 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redruth Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 are you looking for constructive criticism? Thanks Haha Confused Sad Facepalm Burger Farnsworth Big Brain Like × Quote Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683131 Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaini Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 you will not finish this novel. Thanks Haha Confused Sad Facepalm Burger Farnsworth Big Brain Like × Quote Hide kaini's signature Hide all signatures On 5/7/2013 at 11:06 PM, ambermonk said: I know IDM can be extreme On 6/3/2017 at 11:50 PM, ladalaika said: this sounds like an airplane landing on a minefield Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683139 Share on other sites More sharing options...
oyster Posted October 31, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 On 10/31/2011 at 12:26 AM, troon said: are you looking for constructive criticism? criticize away On 10/31/2011 at 12:48 AM, kaini said: you will not finish this novel. you're probably right Thanks Haha Confused Sad Facepalm Burger Farnsworth Big Brain Like × Quote Hide oyster's signature Hide all signatures I'M SORRY FOR BEING ME I CAN'T HELP THE WAY I AM Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683143 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cryptowen Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 (edited) The descriptive metaphors are as densely packed as Cheez-It crumbs in the fat roll crease of an obese shirtless man who has given up on the pursuit of happiness. Edited October 31, 2011 by Cryptowen Thanks Haha Confused Sad Facepalm Burger Farnsworth Big Brain Like × Quote Hide Cryptowen's signature Hide all signatures Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683150 Share on other sites More sharing options...
chaosmachine Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 it's better than the first paragraph of my novel. Thanks Haha Confused Sad Facepalm Burger Farnsworth Big Brain Like × Quote Hide all signatures WATMM Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683152 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Redruth Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 how about this: It's like I'm walking in some kind of diseased rainforest with the blood of natives raining down on me. Of course it's just the rainstorms while walking through my quaint little hometown. My mind is in such a mangled state. I stop at a gas station to harass the clerk and buy a pack of cigarettes. He calls me 'bud' and I smile at him like I smile at oncoming traffic. Cute girls smile at me, while ugly hags and other losers merely grimace. None of them, including this bothersome clerk recognize the beauty in my soul. Thanks Haha Confused Sad Facepalm Burger Farnsworth Big Brain Like × Quote Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683161 Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaini Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 the rain fell on the town like ball-bearings on my nutsack the last time i had sex with a german chick. Thanks Haha Confused Sad Facepalm Burger Farnsworth Big Brain Like × Quote Hide kaini's signature Hide all signatures On 5/7/2013 at 11:06 PM, ambermonk said: I know IDM can be extreme On 6/3/2017 at 11:50 PM, ladalaika said: this sounds like an airplane landing on a minefield Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683162 Share on other sites More sharing options...
YEK Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 misunderstood genius, ahead of his time Thanks Haha Confused Sad Facepalm Burger Farnsworth Big Brain Like × Quote Hide YEK's signature Hide all signatures Reveal hidden contents !:/music Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683165 Share on other sites More sharing options...
BCM Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 On 10/31/2011 at 12:13 AM, The Pod said: " It's like I'm walking down some kind of diseased rainforest with the translucent blood of natives raining down on me like liquid hail. Of course it's merely raining in my quaint little hometown, I stop in the gas station to harass the clerk and buy a pack of cigarettes. He calls me bud so I smile at him like I smile at the oncoming traffic that I flash a peace sign to as I zoom past them on my bicycle. The cuter girls smile at me while ugly hags and other losers merely grimace. They don't recognize the beauty of my soul. " lol Thanks Haha Confused Sad Facepalm Burger Farnsworth Big Brain Like × Quote Hide BCM's signature Hide all signatures Bandcamp | Spotify | SoundCloud | Amazon | Apple Music | YouTube | YouTube Music | Deezer | Google Play Music Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683169 Share on other sites More sharing options...
sup Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 it was good but my teaching in english class said u shouldnt use ' words when your writing a paper so u should do like i'm = i am and don't = donut Thanks Haha Confused Sad Facepalm Burger Farnsworth Big Brain Like × Quote Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683222 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest jim Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 On 10/31/2011 at 1:56 AM, BCM said: On 10/31/2011 at 12:13 AM, The Pod said: " It's like I'm walking down some kind of diseased rainforest with the translucent blood of natives raining down on me like liquid hail. Of course it's merely raining in my quaint little hometown, I stop in the gas station to harass the clerk and buy a pack of cigarettes. He calls me bud so I smile at him like I smile at the oncoming traffic that I flash a peace sign to as I zoom past them on my bicycle. The cuter girls smile at me while ugly hags and other losers merely grimace. They don't recognize the beauty of my soul. " lol lol Quote Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683223 Share on other sites More sharing options...
kaini Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents--except at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. Thanks Haha Confused Sad Facepalm Burger Farnsworth Big Brain Like × Quote Hide kaini's signature Hide all signatures On 5/7/2013 at 11:06 PM, ambermonk said: I know IDM can be extreme On 6/3/2017 at 11:50 PM, ladalaika said: this sounds like an airplane landing on a minefield Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683224 Share on other sites More sharing options...
lumpenprol Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 so...is that troon's first constructive post? Kaini is right, it could qualify for Bulwer-Lytton, you should submit... Thanks Haha Confused Sad Facepalm Burger Farnsworth Big Brain Like × Quote Hide lumpenprol's signature Hide all signatures After this I listened to geogaddi and I didn't like it, I was quite vomitting at some tracks, I realized they were too crazy for my ears, they took too much acid to play music I stupidly thought (cliché of psyché music) But I knew this album was a kind of big forest where I just wasn't able to go inside. - lost cloud I was in US tjis summer, and eat in KFC. FUCK That's the worst thing i've ever eaten. The flesh simply doesn't cleave to the bones. Battery ferming. And then, foie gras is banned from NY state, because it's considered as ill-treat. IT'S NOT. KFC is tourist ill-treat. YOU POISONERS! Two hours after being to KFC, i stopped in a amsih little town barf all that KFC shit out. Nice work! So i hope this woman is not like kfc chicken, otherwise she'll be pulled to pieces. -organized confused project Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683225 Share on other sites More sharing options...
oyster Posted October 31, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 On 10/31/2011 at 1:36 AM, kaini said: the rain fell on the town like ball-bearings on my nutsack the last time i had sex with a german chick. Honestly, how the fuck did you know about the German chick? On 10/31/2011 at 1:50 AM, yek said: misunderstood genius, ahead of his time Thanks! Glad you enjoyed. On 10/31/2011 at 1:56 AM, BCM said: On 10/31/2011 at 12:13 AM, The Pod said: " It's like I'm walking down some kind of diseased rainforest with the translucent blood of natives raining down on me like liquid hail. Of course it's merely raining in my quaint little hometown, I stop in the gas station to harass the clerk and buy a pack of cigarettes. He calls me bud so I smile at him like I smile at the oncoming traffic that I flash a peace sign to as I zoom past them on my bicycle. The cuter girls smile at me while ugly hags and other losers merely grimace. They don't recognize the beauty of my soul. " lol Thanks! Glad you enjoyed. Thanks Haha Confused Sad Facepalm Burger Farnsworth Big Brain Like × Quote Hide oyster's signature Hide all signatures I'M SORRY FOR BEING ME I CAN'T HELP THE WAY I AM Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683250 Share on other sites More sharing options...
oyster Posted October 31, 2011 Author Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 On 10/31/2011 at 5:17 AM, The Pod said: On 10/31/2011 at 1:36 AM, kaini said: the rain fell on the town like ball-bearings on my nutsack the last time i had sex with a german chick. Honestly, how the fuck did you know about the German chick? From: "Kathrin LAST NAME REMOVED" Hi Drew, oh thats so nice to get this mail from you,... I was happy to get news from you because you didn't answer my first mail,...! sorry that you took your such precious time to write me a mail,...well I'm really busy at the moment and I don't like to communicate with people writing me e-mails like you did! I think your last mail is just ridiculous. Maybe you should think before you write something like this and don't act like an impatient child! Good luck! Am 18.10.2011 um 21:13 schrieb Drew Kent: Dear Rude Hussy, Shame on you and your behavior. Your utter malice and lack of caring really gets my blood boiling, and I thought you ought to know that. I took time out of my busy schedule to write you an in-depth response to your inquiries to that awful 'Tegan' about my Whatsgoingsons. And how do you repay me for my kindness? You snub me completely. Well Ms., I think I speak for all of society when I say I hope there is a special place in Hell for people like you. With Love, Drew Thanks Haha Confused Sad Facepalm Burger Farnsworth Big Brain Like × Quote Hide oyster's signature Hide all signatures I'M SORRY FOR BEING ME I CAN'T HELP THE WAY I AM Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683255 Share on other sites More sharing options...
essines Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 pls asplain. also i thought i had you on ffabf. Thanks Haha Confused Sad Facepalm Burger Farnsworth Big Brain Like × Quote Hide essines's signature Hide all signatures On 8/19/2011 at 11:51 PM, Luke Fucking Hazard said: Essines has, and always will remind me of MacReady. Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683259 Share on other sites More sharing options...
luke viia Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 lol @ the german girl emails On 10/31/2011 at 12:13 AM, The Pod said: "It's like I'm walking down some kind of diseased rainforest with the translucent blood of natives raining down on me like liquid hail. Of course it's merely raining in my quaint little hometown, I stop in the gas station to harass the clerk and buy a pack of cigarettes. He calls me bud so I smile at him like I smile at the oncoming traffic that I flash a peace sign to as I zoom past them on my bicycle. The cuter girls smile at me while ugly hags and other losers merely grimace. They don't recognize the beauty of my soul. " can one really walk down the rainforest? and liquid hail? cmon Pod. the sentence that starts with 'He calls me bud' is grammatically atrocious, and this first paragraph of your book is merely way too full of merelys. also, nobody likes an egotistical soul. in other words i merely enjoyed your story, the rain merely came down like powdered mist at a distance of exactly 20 feet away from a diseased whale's blowhole Thanks Haha Confused Sad Facepalm Burger Farnsworth Big Brain Like × Quote Hide luke viia's signature Hide all signatures GHOST: have you killed Claudius yet HAMLET: no GHOST: why HAMLET: fuck you is why im going to the cemetery to touch skulls [planet of dinosaurs - the album [bc] [archive]] Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683263 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest dilbthelame Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 worthless opinion (some of these i actually mean): - how do you walk "down" a rainforest? thru, surely? - the very first phrase in your novel is "it's like" which makes me as the reader think i'm listening to yetafuckingnother teenager talking about something they can't articulate properly... does not bode entirely well for rest of ~200 pages. -liquid hail is rain, no? -more commas, use correctly - if you are on a mere bicycle, surely the traffic zooms past you. if indeed it is you doing the zooming, it is much safer to ride with both hands attached to handlebars, not flashing peace signs willy-nilly (not to mention while smiling instead of watching the road). just a thought. - also that sentence with all the smiling was too long and my attention span too short to remember what you were talking about by the time i got to the end of it much like this one actually. - i agree about the beauty of the soul bit. Quote Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683264 Share on other sites More sharing options...
luke viia Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 (edited) we wrote the exact same post at the exact same time :sup: merely gratuitous misuse of the word exact Edited October 31, 2011 by luke viia Thanks Haha Confused Sad Facepalm Burger Farnsworth Big Brain Like × Quote Hide luke viia's signature Hide all signatures GHOST: have you killed Claudius yet HAMLET: no GHOST: why HAMLET: fuck you is why im going to the cemetery to touch skulls [planet of dinosaurs - the album [bc] [archive]] Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683265 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest dilbthelame Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 ah, you got there first. i recognise (and bow to) the beauty of your soul. Quote Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683267 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Root5 Posted October 31, 2011 Report Share Posted October 31, 2011 On 10/31/2011 at 12:13 AM, The Pod said: Of course it's merely raining in my quaint little hometown, I stop in the gas station to harass the clerk and buy a pack of cigarettes. That should be a period or a semicolon. It can't be a comma. You can't use a comma to divide between two independent clauses. Well I guess you could artistically but this just reads like a mistake. But keep it up man, and all that. Thanks Haha Confused Sad Facepalm Burger Farnsworth Big Brain Like × Quote Hide Root5's signature Hide all signatures WATMM Christmas Albums: 2011 2012 2013 2014MOST IDM Tribute Albums: Incomplete Skyscrapers Rogue Planet Mycorhizae Olympus Mons HeadphonesOther Compilation Albums: Heading for Outer Space Link to comment https://forum.watmm.com/topic/69634-do-you-like-the-first-paragraph-of-the-novel-im-writing/#findComment-1683279 Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts