The Atheist Church?

All right-- humans have problems, because every animal has problems. Even after swooping down from the sky and snatching a rabbit from the ground like an elite killing machine, the majestic bald eagle will then crack open a six pack of Bud Light and talk shit about his neighbors.

This is why I'm officially opening up 5,000 churches across all continents- this Summer...: The Church Of PLUR. Upon entering, sensors at the entrance take your attendance, and then molly is sprayed in your face. It's badass cuz right when your skin starts to tingle and the head DJ's words really start to make sense- something about "the most epic experience of your life"- the beats build up out of nowhere (you're like, "Wer da fuk dis music come from?!"), snare rush starts to fucking bang your crotch, then *BAM*, muthafuckin' lights go out, black lights come on, laser grids fly above your head, and the beat drops so hard, you're like "OOOH MY GOD!!!!!" Fucking nobody even mentioned God, but my church is so good, people willingly say holy shit like "OMG~~~", and "MY WHOLE BODY IS CUMMING!!!" The whole floor is built upon a 1.21 gigawatt subwoofer.

To show people God, merely give them a taste.

  On 5/5/2014 at 8:37 AM, LimpyLoo said:

Anyway How about you go take a walk mate and let me be

nah mate, I'm good mate, cheers mate.

  On 5/5/2014 at 8:51 AM, peace 7 said:

All right-- humans have problems, because every animal has problems. Even after swooping down from the sky and snatching a rabbit from the ground like an elite killing machine, the majestic bald eagle will then crack open a six pack of Bud Light and talk shit about his neighbors.

 

This is why I'm officially opening up 5,000 churches across all continents- this Summer...: The Church Of PLUR. Upon entering, sensors at the entrance take your attendance, and then molly is sprayed in your face. It's badass cuz right when your skin starts to tingle and the head DJ's words really start to make sense- something about "the most epic experience of your life"- the beats build up out of nowhere (you're like, "Wer da fuk dis music come from?!"), snare rush starts to fucking bang your crotch, then *BAM*, muthafuckin' lights go out, black lights come on, laser grids fly above your head, and the beat drops so hard, you're like "OOOH MY GOD!!!!!" Fucking nobody even mentioned God, but my church is so good, people willingly say holy shit like "OMG~~~", and "MY WHOLE BODY IS CUMMING!!!" The whole floor is built upon a 1.21 gigawatt subwoofer.

 

To show people God, merely give them a taste.

what kind of snare rush banging my crotch are we talking? is it a Tiesto-level feather brush across my balls, or am I to expect said balls to be turned into hot chutney by a Tommy J Venus No.17 jackhammering?

  On 5/5/2014 at 8:58 AM, usagi said:

 

  On 5/5/2014 at 8:51 AM, peace 7 said:

The Church Of PLUR

...

snare rush...

 

what kind of snare rush banging my crotch are we talking? is it a Tiesto-level feather brush across my balls, or am I to expect said balls to be turned into hot chutney by a Tommy J Venus No.17 jackhammering?

Well, when the molly sprayed in your face upon entry is also mixed with psilocybin analogues- after the head DJ's buildup speeches- it'll be hard to distinguish even a simple 808 snare rush, from a roar of chariots riding on lazer clouds in a you-led ultimate battle of destiny of good vs evil inside the cat's eye nebula.

  On 5/5/2014 at 8:58 AM, usagi said:

  On 5/5/2014 at 8:37 AM, LimpyLoo said:

Anyway How about you go take a walk mate and let me be

 

nah mate, I'm good mate, cheers mate.

 

 

Alright well I'll give you the ol' tug tug squirt if you just treat me right.

Daniel Dennett gave a talk recently about what should replace religion, his point being that it would be a shame to toss the baby with the bathwater and overlook all of the good qualities that have come from religion.

[youtubehd]m5tGpMcFF7U[/youtubehd]

I've thought that you need a civic duty day where we vote on and discuss new laws for a couple of hours a week whilst getting to know everyone else in the local community, this would dovetail nicely into the atheist community gathering space thing.

The only problem with all this is that .... it would be fucking boring ... and you'd have to put up with wankers that you don't care for. But i spose it's better than letting society go into the hands of the self serving summbitches that run it in our absence.

And if you complain that you need both weekend days in which to recover from the bleakness that is work. Well fear not, as your enlightened group that now writes all the laws has given you a four or three day work week, to reflect the productivity gains that we workers in concert with technology have achieved over the past century but have never been compensated for.

  On 5/5/2014 at 1:08 AM, Deer said:

so religion was never the problem, it was people .. people ARE like this, religion didnt make people act like this

  On 5/5/2014 at 3:59 AM, data said:

 

  Quote

I'm a non-collector of stamps, where do i join the non-collector of stamps association?

 

this is a funny

The best religions are the ones that send people to my door. Mine is the last door they knock that day. Invite them in. Make them a tea then fucking hammer them with undeniable logic for hours. The last one said to me "I'm a man of science too. I watch the discovery channel".

You will never ever get one of them to admit defeat but the eyes never lie and when I see that little glimmer of doubt I know my work is done :)

  On 5/5/2014 at 7:31 PM, A Reggae Lee Bowyer said:

The best religions are the ones that send people to my door. Mine is the last door they knock that day. Invite them in. Make them a tea then fucking hammer them with undeniable logic for hours. The last one said to me "I'm a man of science too. I watch the discovery channel".

You will never ever get one of them to admit defeat but the eyes never lie and when I see that little glimmer of doubt I know my work is done :)

this definitely happened

*tips fedora*

The worst part of religion is religious schools, forcing parents to raise their children a certain way just so they can get in. Atheist schools are needed (or just better secular schools).

Atheist church sounds fine. I'm not going to go but good luck to them. I think its good for people to "come out" as atheist seems to hide in general

And the atheist holy day will be on May 1st and it will be a public holiday, just so the powers be won't be able to take away labour day from May 1st like they did here to 'rebalance the distribution of the public holidays throughout the year'. Without consideration of the power and importance of the day to every worker, or actually in full knowledge of these things which is why they try to diminish it in any way that they can. And whilst telling us that they can't move 'important' holy holidays or losing battle memorials or national state founding days. What is more important for the bulk of the population than worker emancipation and the day that commemorates it. So lets have atheism day coincide with it on May 1st perhaps.

  On 5/5/2014 at 7:13 AM, Friendly Foil said:

Hey religious people, if this "God" of yours is real why do we have wars and people starving all over the world? Can't answer that? Didn't think so. People like you never can.

much has been written about it. can't you just educate your self? people like you never can.

I don't really see any problems with these "godless church services" they're talking about.

I used to be a really hardcore Christian back when I was younger (because that's what I was raised on) and although I'm agnostic now, I can sort of see where these people are coming from. Regardless of what religion you follow, attending a church service generally provides a nice sense of community with some other people, and it can give you some pretty good lessons about how to act as a non-shitty human being in general, and there's nothing wrong with that.

If atheists want a church service where they can discuss philosophy, politics, morals, culture, or whatever in a nonreligious context, I think that's a great idea.

Obviously, you're going to have the fedoratipping-neckbeard-euphoric-atheist crowd there too, I'm sure, but those are just the kind of people who make self-identified atheists look bad, the same way the holier-than-thou judgmental Bible-thumping Christians make all of Christianity look bad.

"Brights" lol

I used to be a member of the local "Secular Humanist" chapter. Mostly they just complained about how religious people were not as smart as they were, then took out their laptops to post on Reddit in silence. It was just as fun as it sounds.

That said, it sounds like the atheist church is just a community center with a facetious name. That doesn't sound so bad. Though it doesn't sound so revolutionary, either.

*nvm

  On 5/6/2014 at 2:08 AM, No Don't :( said:

I used to be a member of the local "Secular Humanist" chapter. Mostly they just complained about how religious people were not as smart as they were, then took out their laptops to post on Reddit in silence. It was just as fun as it sounds.

I really, really hope you're not joking about this. Like holy shit please tell me this is real.

  On 5/5/2014 at 9:39 PM, xox said:

 

  On 5/5/2014 at 7:13 AM, Friendly Foil said:

 

Hey religious people, if this "God" of yours is real why do we have wars and people starving all over the world? Can't answer that? Didn't think so. People like you never can.

much has been written about it. can't you just educate your self? people like you never can.

lol fedoras are gonna be untouchable for years to come (sorry modey)

I don't think this sort of thing is geared toward the fedora set, more the people who were true believers who got a lot out of church services and the community. I follow jerry dewitt on twitter, who used to be a pentecostal pastor and is now an atheist. he's one of the nicest people you'll ever meet.

skip to 47s to skip the intro.

Why call it an atheist church, though? Just call it whatever it is, but not a church. That's just silly.

Temple of Knowledge.

Or temple of something. But there's no worship going on. It does catch more headlines and so cut through to the people that might be interested by calling it a church rather than a community centre for those that are not god needers.

  On 5/6/2014 at 7:38 AM, gmanyo said:

 

  On 5/6/2014 at 2:08 AM, No Don't :( said:

I used to be a member of the local "Secular Humanist" chapter. Mostly they just complained about how religious people were not as smart as they were, then took out their laptops to post on Reddit in silence. It was just as fun as it sounds.

I really, really hope you're not joking about this. Like holy shit please tell me this is real.

 

We've had one for a few years up here, when I used to go we met up at Starbucks and everyone but me had their laptop out. They rarely made eye contact, they'd just talk over their computers about Star Trek or how Richard Dawkins is really smart and how hard it is to be a smart person on this planet and I stopped going after I realized it was not where I wanted to be. We had literally one, single woman who ever came to the group, half our meetings were listening to her talk about anything because she's a pretty girl and they were just chuffed that a "nerd girl" was paying attention to them.

"Does anyone else really hate it when their mom makes them go to church? I hate church."

"Oh wow, I hate church too, church is so boring and stupid."

"Me too, god is so stupid he doesn't even do anything."

"Hey, you guys want to come over and play Call of Cthulhu?"