Horrible Holiday related Verbal Diarrhea

For context, originally from the thread here:

My father-in-law, for the last five days, has been doing his own version of an advent calendar. Except, instead of pieces of semi-digestible chocolate, imagine that you get text messages. Now, imagine those text messages are full of judeo-christian* self-righteousness, and this sort of smug self-satisfaction with the prose. Like, you can feel how much he took a look at what he's written and is going "gosh, I really am gonna bowl them over with how clever I am!" (which means, of course, that it smacks of artifice - also, I know what this looks like because I do it too. Not saying I'm exempt). 

What makes this particularly funny to me is that he's sending these LONG ASS stories/deep thoughts via text message. So he must be spending like 15 minutes or whatever just typing them out. Or, maybe, he types them our in Word and then copies and pastes into his phone? Anyway, best part was the other day he sent a text and THEN LIKED HIS OWN TEXT. You can't make this shit up. 

Anyway, I vacillate every day between being filled with dread when I feel my phone buzz and know another text is coming, and a giddy anticipation at reading these things. Also whether or not to post them to WATMM for your amusement/derision. 

*Disclaimer: given that his daughter does not identify as a Christian any more, and he was a pretty shitty dad who made holidays particularly shite, the irony of him trying push the "Christmas Spirit" makes it all the more excruciating 

FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE. WILL ADD TO THIS THREAD AS NEW TEXTS APPEAR. 

"This morning a pretty little bluebird came and landed on the bird feeder out in back. When he got there he noticed that there was no seed in the feeder. He hopped from one side to the other making a careful check, to no avail. Then just when I thought he was going to fly away disappointed that there was nothing there for him he picked his little head up and started chirping and singing this beautiful song. He went on like this for what seemed like two or three minutes. You'd have thought he was the happiest little bluebird in the" 

  On 12/6/2018 at 10:42 PM, Stickfigger said:

text to speech.wav for your next project

Also you should just start sending round nihilist text messages to bring about balance to the universe

omfg I almost spit my drink out YES. 

I really have been tempted. . . even typed out a few and then slowly, carefully, backspaced out. . . .

lol Thank you!!

*rainbow barf*

That first one is a good'er, keep em' coming.

I'd say everyone else jump in with cringey religious christmas anecdote crap too if you have anything. lol

  On 12/6/2018 at 10:38 PM, T3551ER said:

 

"This morning a pretty little bluebird came and landed on the bird feeder out in back. When he got there he noticed that there was no seed in the feeder. He hopped from one side to the other making a careful check, to no avail. Then just when I thought he was going to fly away disappointed that there was nothing there for him he picked his little head up and started chirping and singing this beautiful song. He went on like this for what seemed like two or three minutes. You'd have thought he was the happiest little bluebird in the" 

 

*five minute pause*

 

"world when all of a sudden he turned around and discovered that the feeder was now inexplicably filled with fresh sunflower seeds. Wow, I thought to myself, isn't it wonderful how this tiny little creature remained so positive and grateful and was rewarded a plentiful bounty. 

Did the bluebird use sacred geometry to manifest a bounty of sunflower seeds?

@diatoms you're cutting straight to the heart of this. 

lol

  On 12/6/2018 at 11:04 PM, Stickfigger said:

That stupid bird is just alerting the predators to its location . Hope that bird enjoyed its song because no one will hear it with severed vocal cords from within a feline's internal acid pit

this should be t355's response 

Make some BoC-like music and read those texts through a vocoder over it. 

  On 12/6/2018 at 11:16 PM, Bulk VanderHooj said:

 

  On 12/6/2018 at 11:04 PM, Stickfigger said:

That stupid bird is just alerting the predators to its location . Hope that bird enjoyed its song because no one will hear it with severed vocal cords from within a feline's internal acid pit

 

this should be t355's response 

 

lol 4 real

*jots is down*

Part of me hopes I never get super drunk and send a text with a link to this thread to my father-in-law.

Part of me hopes I do 

i can relate with the moral of keeping a good attitude while waiting for your problems to get solved by someone or something else

"Hey family? Do you know how many days until Christmas? That's right...25 days or 12+13 or 5 squared or 50 divided by two or 24 plus 1 or 3 x 6 plus 7, but anyway you want to figure it Christmas is coming so you better get ready!"

This + me = 

Edit: Oh, also, told the missus about this thread and she expressed . . . concern about other people making fun of her dad in public. . . so, I didn't get a firm, "don't do this" so I'm gonna a)continue to post here b/c, frankly I'm enjoying the ever living fuck out of these responses and it's not like WATMM is really PUBLIC but b)gonna change the topic title to open it up to all Holiday vomit inducing banter. 

Edit#2: lol how do I change the topic title? And/or can a mod update this to something more generally Holiday related?

gold

"It's an interesting thing about Christmas cookies. Not just the fact that they had their origins in 16th century Europe and were actually biscuits made of flavored spices and fruit until in 17th century"

Now, there was about a 30 minute pause here, which left me wondering if a)my father in law had stroked out or something and wasn't going to finish and I was all Hunter Thompson "FINISH THE ... FUCKING. . . . STORY" b)if the rest of this would resolve the grammatically awkward "not just the fact that" and the mystery of what "it's" is referring to in the first sentence.  

"they were introduced in America by the Dutch. It was then that cookie cutters became popular in various shapes depicting different Christmas images. The recipe transitioned from biscuits to sugar cookies and were actually made to hang from the Christmas tree. While all of this is certainly interesting that is not what I'm referring to. This is my observation. When you set a gaily decorated and brightly colored plate piled high with Christmas cookies down in the midst of holiday celebrants you'll see all of the little children and even adolescents unabashedly reach for the plate to grab a Christmas tree or a candy cane or a Santa Clause cookie, but after that something mysterious happens. The adults all seem to hang back, perhaps not willing to openly display their hidden desire to attack that delicious plate of cookies. Or perhaps not wanting to be seen as greedily depriving the children of these tasty morsels. Perhaps the motivation is to not reveal to the world their weakness for sugar and carbs. It's hard to say really, but whatever the reason it is curious that you'll rarely observe an adult removing a cookie from the plate and yet, one by one those cookies begin to disappear. I have noticed that these same individuals start making more bathroom trips than usual or they step out back for a minute or two. I've even looked out the window to see one individual sitting in his car looking back at me with puffed out cheeks and a sheepish grin on his face. So yes, I do find it interesting how everyone claims that they don't know where all the cookies went claiming that they only had one. Hmmm..."

Deeply moved by the above and the insight parlayed, my brother in law jokingly acknowledged he was responsible for eating these cookies to which my FIL responded:

"Doesn't confession take a great weight off your shoulders? Good for you, [REDACTED]! This just going to make the whole Christmas season that much brighter for you."

lollllll

Edited the title. Please keep this coming. Fucking gold.

Ta Chen, many thanks!

so much quality

Haha wtf, I'm fairly certain no-one hid in their car to eat a biscuit but I like the work that went into finishing that message with a sort of joke.

yeah man, 0 chance this actually occurred - more likely someone had to step outside to get away and was sitting in their car desperately struggling against the impulse to end it all. 

"Take it from me, or don't and go ahead ask Santa for yourself, but it's true that the older you get the faster the years seem to speed by. Our days get so full of the details living, taking care of each other, our families, advancing our careers and preparing for the future that we hardly notice the time passing by. And what about Santa. He's been around for hundreds of years. Imagine how fast the years go by for him. On the other hand it's probably how he gets all those presents delivered in just one day since time is so much more accelerated for him. But do you remember how slowly the hours and days and weeks seemed to go by when we were little? It used to feel like forever until the school day was over or when summer vacation finally got here or when was your sixth birthday ever going to come?! But the slowest that time ever went by was after Thanksgiving and the days leading up to Christmas. It was agonizing! Right? But think about this. Wouldn't it be great if it could !

  On 12/7/2018 at 2:16 PM, T3551ER said:

"...until in 17th century"

lel 

Oh, also, forgot to mention the "Santa as Event Horizon Surfer" text was the one that my FIL subsequently "liked" ... which I guess is a thing now? . . so I got the pleasure of seeing it twice and also knowing that he is REALLY A FAN of that one in particular.