Horrible Holiday related Verbal Diarrhea

  On 12/14/2018 at 3:32 PM, T3551ER said:

 

  On 12/14/2018 at 2:43 PM, mokz said:

A beautiful story how one man's charity work turned into a global consumerist shitfest.

 

my thoughts EXACTLY.

 

And a master class on how to spin paedophilia.

He's definitely struggling now, there's not a chance in hell he will be sending these out next year.

"Hopefully the message from yesterday's text got through okay. Ensuring proper grammar gets kind of tricky in a long text. But moving on...in looking over all the texts I've sent out I had to ask myself, "When is Christmas?"

The rush?

Backward adaptation?

Stay tuned.

So, as tec noticed, the Father In Law Advent Calendar Countdown of Horror texts have kind of dried up (thankfully). However, did have a FIL related text/phone experience over the weekend that I hope warms the cockles of your hearts as it did mine. I decided to write it (vaguely) to the scheme of "A Visit from St Nick" because. .. I don't know. Boredom.

I had just settled down on the couch for a break
Red Dead Redemption was on the TV (4k. It's great)
When all of a sudden a message appeared on my phone
It was my father in law on the line
"Oh, fuckstick" I groaned

I let it go to voicemail (of course)
Holstered my gun, and jumped on my horse
Maybe I'd hunt a rabbit or two
I know that the camp needs meat for the stew

But then a buzz and a ring I did hear
The sounds of Afffeeexxxxxxx rang out clear [editors note: my ringtone is AFX 237 v7]
Bad news on the screen! A text had come in:
"Urgent! Urgent! Call me ASAP. . . Important!" and then

I checked the voicemail my FIL had left
He sounded concerned, a bit out of breathe
"[REDACTED] it's [REDACTED]," he said
"It's critical you call me!" (is somebody dead?!)
"If you don't get ahold, keep calling me back
Every 10 minutes, until we connect"



Befuddled, and flustered, and all out of sorts
I rang him back up, and missed him (of course)
I left him a message and tried to be calm
What could have happened? What had gone wrong?

He called me again, I answered this time
Expecting some sad news, I prepared my mind
For catastrophe, calamity, some dire bad shit
....
"T3, when are you and [REDACTED] coming here for Christmas?!!!"

I fumbled and stuttered, got out a few words
Like, "uh" and "um" and I felt my cheeks burn
And then I reflected on how this was hatched
A plot to manipulate, confuse and snatch
An answer he wanted from the jaws of confusion
It was a straight up Trump move ("No Collusion!")

So, I took a deep breathe, I filled up my lungs
Prepared to be kind, to undo what he'd done
Show calm in the face of emotional traps
To turn a cheek, to not try to hit back

Then I felt a slither, a subtle sine slide
As if a shadow had come out
Growing from the inside and
I
Began, to shift, shudder and shake, like an epileptic
Snake, said:
“Don’t worry it’s a just fit,
befit to send shit down the chimney on your holiday
Better watch the hollandaise
Turning into a brown sauce (call it brown glaze)
I got a
Autistic gaze
Shooting gamma rays
At your noggin, like a broke egg
Knock your yoke/yolk sideways
Tec noticed you goin’ soft on your
Text chain, so I brought a Tec-nine
Singing “darlin’ won’t you be mine”
As I’m shootin’ up your ass in the daytime (daytime)
Calling you a feline (pussy)
And the next time
T3 the Terror will make you go gray [Deadpool pulls off his mask and goes “BOO”]

Oh hey

I’m sorry your urgency felt a little like insurgency and it’s burnin’ me into a sparkshower fury ‘cause I never seen an idiot with such belligerence seed such a lovely family
Stop treating every act of request like a catastrophe and
Make sure “it’s” uses a correct apostrophe
Then you and me can come together
Like Sundance and Butch Cassidy
But your more like the Sundowning Kid
Screaming for your TV
Dragging your progeny into poverty
Regenerating lies out of honesty
Like a politician zombie
Honestly, the whole thing makes me sick
Fuck the Holidays


So shit


I guess every yin needs a yang
Two tugs on my wang
And I just blew out your brain
Clean out your fucking ears
(keep an eye out for the cumstain)


-T3 December 19, 2018


Then, like, Eazy-E comes riding by in a sleigh and says “MERRY CHRISTMAS MOTHERFUCKERS!!!” and shoots up the whole place and everyone's heads explodes a la scanners


Happy Holidays ya’ll!



 

God damn, what a conclusion.

Absolutely fucking incredible

Top thread. Can't wait for next year.

What about Horrible Holiday related literal diarrhea? Because whoa boy dealing with that right now is even worse.

  On 12/20/2018 at 2:52 AM, Entorwellian said:

What about Horrible Holiday related literal diarrhea? Because whoa boy dealing with that right now is even worse.

same

8 chewable pepto bismol tablets in and I've probably produced enough watery stool to fertilize a whole field of romaine lettuce