Avoiding Family

They're getting married this summer, I hear. And it'll probably take place in my mum's garden, with presumably myself or my dad as some sort of best man. Neither of us will actually agree to do it though.

My mum's not worried about having them married, and in her house, though. Which doesn't bode well. Richard is a famous fuck-up and this could be the biggest fuck-up of all.

He's apparently been living in some sort of immigrant squat for a year. Sleeping in a converted conservatory with a few other men. It's a little sad, admittedly. God knows what his Russian bride is up to, or where she's living.

Is her family coming to the wedding? Should be fun.

  On 4/29/2010 at 10:05 PM, Gary C said:

They're getting married this summer, I hear. And it'll probably take place in my mum's garden, with presumably myself or my dad as some sort of best man. Neither of us will actually agree to do it though.

 

My mum's not worried about having them married, and in her house, though. Which doesn't bode well. Richard is a famous fuck-up and this could be the biggest fuck-up of all.

 

He's apparently been living in some sort of immigrant squat for a year. Sleeping in a converted conservatory with a few other men. It's a little sad, admittedly. God knows what his Russian bride is up to, or where she's living.

oh

my

fucking

god

I was going to bump this thread because I had a dream last night that me and you were on the phone, and we were having this thread as our discussion, I shit you not.

Richard is the man

riiichard . . sagewa!

i try to avoid my wife's family at all costs. i don't like going to their house. and whenever i do, i fall asleep on the couch.

So they've been over this weekend. They arrived on Friday and I managed to avoid them 'til Sunday evening when I had been expecting them to leave. But much to everyones dismay and inconvenience Richard and Janetta invited themselves until Tuesday.

Janetta bought me a present; a bottle of non-specific market-standard shower lotion.

Acceptable in itself, but it was her manic stare and groveling nature as she recited the tagline on the bottle.

"S'guud, yes?. Tiz refrashing, reveetilizing unt inVIIIGoratting for murning, noon unt night. Yes?"

She definitely learns English phrases from adverts. I don't know if I mentioned here before, but in her Christmas card she had written every possible message of good will she could find in the shop in one card. LOLz.

I'm sure more will transpire in the next few days, as we can freely talk about what they said to us individually and assess just what the fuck they're on about.

They're incessantly needy, always at your feet, pretty much stopping you from walking between rooms, and often make little sense.

Janetta dresses like a prostitute and is usually quiet until she speaks in learned phrases. Her eyes portray a broken spirit. She catches herself in these moments of fragility every time she speaks and then drops her head and grovels for continued conversation.

It is really kind of sad.

Richard is just batshit. His accent has become a complete amalgamation of Eastern European, African and Indian, and his figgidity desire to please ultimately leads him to catastrophe.

i hope this thread never dies

  On 6/22/2010 at 12:20 AM, Gary C said:

Richard is just batshit. His accent has become a complete amalgamation of Eastern European, African and Indian, and his figgidity desire to please ultimately leads him to catastrophe.

fidgety?

Figgidity. His figgid-ness.

i'd take embarrassing social rejects with russian brides who are dead inside over a gaggle of overly fake-happy mormons anyday. at least you get entertaining! i just get HI HOW YA DOING *passive aggressive comment regarding my life choices and the fact that im not mormon* GREAT TO SEE YOU WE DIDNT GET YOU ANYTHING BUT WERE GONNA EAT DINNER AND READ THE BOOK OF MORMON LATER, YOU'RE WELCOME TO JOIN US! yeah i haven't been home for the holidays in years. no amount of money/presents can make up for that.

You have to fuck Janetta, it's the only way to get everyone out of this whole situation.

yeah, pics of Janetta please.

Take them to Rigbys.

  On 6/22/2010 at 1:23 AM, sneaksta303 said:

yeah, pics of Janetta please.

This is my favourite thread, I want to come to the wedding please!

OJanetta wants a baby apparently. But then in her next breath asks candidly whether Richard is mad.

I think she's beginning to tire of him, she has lasted much longer than we expected in all honesty.

My parents dropped them off at the garden-park of a stately home in order to get a bit of peace. But Richard had called them within a hour declaring that Janetta had left him in a mirrored maze.

They returned together and the incident wasn't mentioned again.

If Richard had vanished in the maze, you would have had a Borges ending.

There was no mention of a wedding this weekend. Just a strange plea from Janetta that she's nearing 40 years old and wants a child. I would have put as over 40, but there you go.

I think she finally understands that Richard is a liability, and would rather have his child and claim asylum/inheritance that way rather than have to marry him and spend the rest or her life with him.

Richard already has a daughter, under 10, from a rather mad Portuguese cleaner that he never sees. He is simply too much of a child himself to be allowed children.

i thought this thread was going to be about being emotionally distant from your family and getting weary of your parents even though you only ever talk to them on the phone for 45 minutes once a week, and even though you like them perfectly well and wish you had a deeper relationship with them.

but i guess this is pretty cool too.

Iain C reminded me that this thread existed, so I'll give it an update.

I have no confirmation of when exactly this occurred, but Richard and Janetta are legally wed and we believe they have been since 2010.

Richard was arrested in 2011 after getting into a physical fight with Janetta and one of the many illegal immigrants they share a house with.

According to Janetta; Richard had been drinking and gambling and returned home for more money. They share a tiny room and keep their belongings in a locked wardrobe. Richard broke the wardrobe down and got into a fight with a neighbour who came into the room. The police were called as things got violent, but apparently it took them over an hour to arrive. Richard was none-the-wiser until he heard sirens and made his escape from a first-storey window. He was subsequently apprehended amongst broken glass in the garden.

After this incident (and in the early part of 2012) Janetta has been phoning Richard's sister (the ex-David-Seaman wife) with worrying rants. In text messages that are signed by Richard (which are clearly written by Janetta as he is severely dyslexic... and in fact, I doubt whether he even knows this phone exists), she is called a 'bitch' and cursed with 'punishment after death'. The messages intimate that Richard and Janetta's relationship is heaven-sent and that the 'bastards' will suffer as a result of their ignorance.

Despite her supposed intelligence and status (Janetta has claimed to have met Hilary Clinton, dignitaries and Secretaries of State) she is incapable of understanding that if they want to be together that they should earn their future as adults instead of demanding what they believe they are entitled to.

Also, not sure when this occurred either; but Richard has travelled to Russia/Ukraine* with Janetta to meet their family. This probably happened in 2010 (perhaps after their marriage, or as a blessing to). Richard supposedly "played wonderful trumpet". Now I'm not sure whether Richard has been harbouring a latent musical talent like Rainman or something, but everytime I imagine Richard tootling around on a trumpet I can't help but laugh.

*It appears that after years of being drip-fed the actual truth, she's actually from the Ukraine and she uses the name Zhanetta, although I forgot what her actual name is. This is kind of similar to the Portuguese cleaner that Richard has a child with as she was referred to for many years as Fatima, but it turned out her name was always Maria and Richard just calls these women whatever he wants.

lol i'd missed this gem til now. did you get any money from the david semen story?

thank you Gary

  On 4/27/2012 at 5:03 PM, keltoi said:

lol i'd missed this gem til now. did you get any money from the david semen story?

My mum got a few hundred pounds which she donated to a cancer charity.

I got a weeks unpaid experience at the News of the World. I didn't do a lot. Wrote an advertorial about recycling mobile phones and missed my invitation to the premiere of some Dorian Gray film. I gave the film reviewer guy my copy of The Road as an apology for missing it and he subsequently loved the film. It looks pretty good on my CV, though.