Jokes

A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins

Michael Jackson is bathing his son one evening, and his son turns to him and says 'daddy, why is your willy so much bigger than mine?' and michael jackson turns to him and says

LOL

What's the difference between an Onion and an electronic music fanboi

lol MJ erection

a guy is checking into a hotel for the night

he gets his key and goes to his room, settles in for a relaxing evening

he discovers there's a problem, goes back to the front desk

"excuse me, is the porn in my room disabled"

"no you sick bastard it's regular porn!"

Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his belt,

bartender says "what's with the wheel?"

pirate says "yarrrrr drives me nuts!"

  IRARI said:

a guy is checking into a hotel for the night

he gets his key and goes to his room, settles in for a relaxing evening

he discovers there's a problem, goes back to the front desk

"excuse me, is the porn in my room disabled"

"no you sick bastard it's regular porn!"

lol

heh. the punchline of the michael jackson one should be incredibly obvious.. but wasn't. good stuffs:)

There are two types of bald men in the world. One's that think their head of hair is half empty and those that think their head of hair is half full.

beautiful 666th post.

A man walks into a bar.

His alcoholism is destroying his family.

A monk and his master are walking, when they see a woman stranded on one side of a creek - the master goes over, lifts the woman up by the waist, and carries her over the water to the other side.

When the monks return to the monastery, the younger monk asks his master, "Master, I thought as monks we are never to touch a woman as it tempts the flesh. Why did you touch that woman back at the creek?"

The Master, with a wry smile replies, "My son, I left the woman back at the creek. Apparently you did not."

  Joyrex said:

A monk and his master are walking, when they see a woman stranded on one side of a creek - the master goes over, lifts the woman up by the waist, and carries her over the water to the other side.

 

When the monks return to the monastery, the younger monk asks his master, "Master, I thought as monks we are never to touch a woman as it tempts the flesh. Why did you touch that woman back at the creek?"

 

The Master, with a wry smile replies, "My son, I left the woman back at the creek. Apparently you did not."

damn I like this one

  Joyrex said:

A monk and his master are walking, when they see a woman stranded on one side of a creek - the master goes over, lifts the woman up by the waist, and carries her over the water to the other side.

 

When the monks return to the monastery, the younger monk asks his master, "Master, I thought as monks we are never to touch a woman as it tempts the flesh. Why did you touch that woman back at the creek?"

 

The Master, with a wry smile replies, "My son, I left the woman back at the creek. Apparently you did not."

this is more like a proverb than a joke

what do you get if you cross an elephant with a pair of shorts?

Worst joke thread 2008

A woman walks into the bathroom and closes the door behind her, she drops her skirt and opens her legs over the toilet bowl to squat down, all of sudden she is suctioned to the floor with great force, her legs wide apart like she is doing the splits. She is stuck and she cannot pull herself up off the floor, so she calls through to her husband with desperation, he comes running through the kicthen and flies into the bathroom in a wild panic, he pulls at her and tugs her but he cannot get her up off the floor. "I know what I'll do, I'll ring Ben, you know my bodybuilder friend? He can come on over and try to pull you up". He runs back into the lounge picks up the phone and calls Ben, five minutes later there is a knock at the door, Ben walks through to the bathroom and pulls with all his might but he cannot get her up, she is completely suctioned to the floor by her vagina. "Right, I'll pop back home and get my slegdehammer, and we'll smash the tiles on the floor and try to pull her up that way" says Ben. "Right ok then, while your doing that I'll suck her tits and rub her fanny".

"What do you want to do that for?" Says Ben.

Q: When riding his bike, how far does Tom Jenkinson have to go to visit his brother Andy?

Q: What is Tom's nickname for Luke Vibert which refers to his fondness for weed yet apparent lack of long hair?

Q: Due to recent flooding, Tom had build what in his backyard in order to reach his out-house without getting wet?

  abusivegeorge said:

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

"Well if I can get her wet enough I can slide her into the kicthen where the tiles are cheaper".

what about all the thresholds inbetween the kitchen and the toilet :unhappy:

What has 80 balls and fucks old people?

  BCM said:

  Joyrex said:

A monk and his master are walking, when they see a woman stranded on one side of a creek - the master goes over, lifts the woman up by the waist, and carries her over the water to the other side.

 

When the monks return to the monastery, the younger monk asks his master, "Master, I thought as monks we are never to touch a woman as it tempts the flesh. Why did you touch that woman back at the creek?"

 

The Master, with a wry smile replies, "My son, I left the woman back at the creek. Apparently you did not."

 

this is more like a proverb than a joke

You're more like an ass than a full-on fuckhead

  Betty said:

Q: When riding his bike, how far does Tom Jenkinson have to go to visit his brother Andy?

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

A: 50 Cycles.

 

Q: What is Tom's nickname for Luke Vibert which refers to his fondness for weed yet apparent lack of long hair?

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

A: Chin Hippy.

 

Q: Due to recent flooding, Tom had build what in his backyard in order to reach his out-house without getting wet?

» Click to show Spoiler - click again to hide... «

A: An Arched Pathway.

FFS. My office, RIGHT NOW, hand in your WATMM card.

You know what you call a cow with no legs?

What's got two legs and bleeds?

How do you make a Dog drink?

sorry............

What do you tell a woman that has two black eyes?