my new joke

< lol

what does an emotionally wooden chicken say?

what's brown and sticky?

  LUDD said:

home made jokes only please

What is twelve inches long has a purple head and makes women scream like crazy?

See you in hell.

hohohohohoho :santa:

what has 99 balls and fucks grannies?

..and what has 98 balls and three teeth?

What's black and white and red all over?

Whats the difference between [insert name of kidnapped child] and a joke about [insert name of kidnapped child]?

how do you [verb] a [noun]?

you [other verb] the [adjective] [wordplay]!

a panda walks into a bar, sits down and motions for the bartender. bartender says: "HEY, A COOL PANDA! I NEVER HAD A PANDA IN MY BAR BEFORE! COOL!" panda motions that he'd like a light meal from the menu, bartender understands and puts in the order. a few minutes later the meal comes out and the panda just keeps to himself quietly eating. when he's finally finished with his meal, the panda gets up from his seat, whips out a handgun and for seemingly no reason, points it at a woman who was sitting next to him at the bar and fires, killing her instantly. almost as if nothing happened, the panda turns and begins walking out of the bar. before he can leave, and in a frightened voice the bartender says: "HEY PANDA, I THOUGHT YOU WERE COOL, PANDA! WHY DID YOU DO THIS?" the panda turns his head to meet the bartenders gaze and before exiting the bar he replies: "I'M A FUCKING PANDA. LOOK IT UP." shocked and desperate for an answer, the bartender collects his dictionary and turns to the definition of "Panda", the likes of which reads as follows: pan·da (pān'də) noun. A rare bearlike mammal (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) of the mountains of China and Tibet. Eats chutes and leaves.

  Luke Fucking Hazard said:

a panda walks into a bar, sits down and motions for the bartender. bartender says: "HEY, A COOL PANDA! I NEVER HAD A PANDA IN MY BAR BEFORE! COOL!" panda motions that he'd like a light meal from the menu, bartender understands and puts in the order. a few minutes later the meal comes out and the panda just keeps to himself quietly eating. when he's finally finished with his meal, the panda gets up from his seat, whips out a handgun and for seemingly no reason, points it at a woman who was sitting next to him at the bar and fires, killing her instantly. almost as if nothing happened, the panda turns and begins walking out of the bar. before he can leave, and in a frightened voice the bartender says: "HEY PANDA, I THOUGHT YOU WERE COOL, PANDA! WHY DID YOU DO THIS?" the panda turns his head to meet the bartenders gaze and before exiting the bar he replies: "I'M A FUCKING PANDA. LOOK IT UP." shocked and desperate for an answer, the bartender collects his dictionary and turns to the definition of "Panda", the likes of which reads as follows: pan·da (pān'də) noun. A rare bearlike mammal (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) of the mountains of China and Tibet. Eats chutes and leaves.

win

  kaini said:

how do you [verb] a [noun]?

you [other verb] the [adjective] [wordplay]!

tl;dr

how do you [words]

you [wordplay]

[pun]

let's cut to the chase:

[scathing reply]

turn to page 62 to hear a joke about women driving!

OR

turn to page 14 to hear another zinger about airplane food!

a guy walks into a bar with a salamander on his shoulder.

the bartender asks, "what do you call that?"

"tiny," replies the guy, "because he's my newt."

  Luke Fucking Hazard said:

a panda walks into a bar, sits down and motions for the bartender. bartender says: "HEY, A COOL PANDA! I NEVER HAD A PANDA IN MY BAR BEFORE! COOL!" panda motions that he'd like a light meal from the menu, bartender understands and puts in the order. a few minutes later the meal comes out and the panda just keeps to himself quietly eating. when he's finally finished with his meal, the panda gets up from his seat, whips out a handgun and for seemingly no reason, points it at a woman who was sitting next to him at the bar and fires, killing her instantly. almost as if nothing happened, the panda turns and begins walking out of the bar. before he can leave, and in a frightened voice the bartender says: "HEY PANDA, I THOUGHT YOU WERE COOL, PANDA! WHY DID YOU DO THIS?" the panda turns his head to meet the bartenders gaze and before exiting the bar he replies: "I'M A FUCKING PANDA. LOOK IT UP." shocked and desperate for an answer, the bartender collects his dictionary and turns to the definition of "Panda", the likes of which reads as follows: pan·da (pān'də) noun. A rare bearlike mammal (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) of the mountains of China and Tibet. Eats chutes and leaves.

fucking lol

  IRARI said:

a guy walks into a bar with a salamander on his shoulder.

the bartender asks, "what do you call that?"

"tiny," replies the guy, "because he's my newt."

huge lol

allright now: (i'm slightly drunk)

two officers are arguing at the police station.

"You are the craziest motherfucker i've ever known." Spits the first.

"If there's the biggest idiot on the world, then it must be you." Barks the second.

At this very moment a sargeant comes in and says: "You guys forgot that i'm in charge around here!!"

A guy turns to his girlfriend: "Will you marry me?"

For which she hesitatly replies: "Well... I don't know..."

"Listen, if you don't do what I ask you, I'll strangle myself from the pillar in front of your house!"

"No, you are not! You know well my old man doesn't like you hangin' in front of our house."

The waiter brings a plate of soup, in which he is dipping his finger, to the guest.

"What the fuck you think you're doing? You have your finger in my soup!!"

"See, I have problems. My doctor said I should keep my finger warm at all times."

"Well, stick it in your ass then, you twat!"

"Did just that, until you ordered that soup."

  Luke Fucking Hazard said:

a panda walks into a bar, sits down and motions for the bartender. bartender says: "HEY, A COOL PANDA! I NEVER HAD A PANDA IN MY BAR BEFORE! COOL!" panda motions that he'd like a light meal from the menu, bartender understands and puts in the order. a few minutes later the meal comes out and the panda just keeps to himself quietly eating. when he's finally finished with his meal, the panda gets up from his seat, whips out a handgun and for seemingly no reason, points it at a woman who was sitting next to him at the bar and fires, killing her instantly. almost as if nothing happened, the panda turns and begins walking out of the bar. before he can leave, and in a frightened voice the bartender says: "HEY PANDA, I THOUGHT YOU WERE COOL, PANDA! WHY DID YOU DO THIS?" the panda turns his head to meet the bartenders gaze and before exiting the bar he replies: "I'M A FUCKING PANDA. LOOK IT UP." shocked and desperate for an answer, the bartender collects his dictionary and turns to the definition of "Panda", the likes of which reads as follows: pan·da (pān'də) noun. A rare bearlike mammal (Ailuropoda melanoleuca) of the mountains of China and Tibet. Eats chutes and leaves.

i loled quite a bit

a guy goes to the doctors and says 'hey doctor, i've got a mole on my dick'.

so the doctor says 'ok, pull down your pants' and he does. the doctor examines the mole intently. after a while, the guy says 'so, do you think you can remove it?'.

and the doctor replies

What's dead, fat and looks like Elvis?