"Go Get Help. Please. I Think I Shit Out My Intestines"

Today at work I walked into the bathroom and some guy was in stall #1, so I dutifully (heh) occupied stall #3, and as I unzipped and sat down, I heard the guy say, "Sorry about what's to come" - It really struck me as weird, and I didn't say anything at first until I heard this ungodly groaning and then this wet splattering sound, like someone had dumped a bucket of wet clay into the toilet. More groans and grunts, followed by more splatters, then a huge gag-cough that made me jump a bit since it was so sudden and loud.

The smell was, to put it in the nicest terms possible, quite possibly the worst smell I have smelt since I worked in the funeral home industry, and breathing through my mouth as I customarily do didn't work at all. It was a raw, pungent odor that seemed to humidify the bathroom, and it stank of raw vegetation and rotten meat mixed with raw sewage. My eyes actually watered and I felt my gag reflex start to kick in the longer I sat there.

I quickly finished up (my rather pathetic poop barely made a splash upon touchdown), and hurried towards the sinks, when he speaks again:

"Go get help. Please. I think I shit out my intestines."

I stood there for a moment, not quite sure what to say, and I awkwardly said "pardon?", and in a weak voice he replied "I think I feel blood running down my leg. Please go get someone, call security to get an ambulance."

I said I would, and went to my boss who called HR - I don't know who was in the bathroom (why I didn't ask I'll never know, but I have since found out it was a guy in accounting that works on my floor that I've never spoken to before, but have seen a few times in the hall.) - the paramedics came up to the floor, and they were in there for some time (I left for lunch shortly thereafter... didn't have much of an appetite to be honest). By the time I came back, the men's restroom was "closed for maintenance", so I have no way of seeing what transpired in stall #1.

So, that pretty much tops for me my weirdest bathroom experience - what have you seen/experienced that was out of this world weird?

fuck, what happened there?

today i emptied buckets of offal down the toilet and told the fella in the next cubicle that i'd shat out my intestines and to call an ambulance.

you shoulda been there, it was pretty funny.

  On 5/12/2010 at 11:08 PM, gaarg said:

fuck, what happened there?

I think he pushed a bit too hard or was chronically constipated? I haven't heard anything more here at work - if there's an update, I'll post it tomorrow.

hahahaha you must work at the weirdest office.

Sounds like someone let their pink sock touch the toilet bowl.

He just had chipotle for the first time.

Sometimes I feel like Joyrex subconsciously convinces his own body to poop exclusively in his workplace's restroom for the only purpose to experience various situations and share them on the forum.

paging nurse xxx, you're needed in a joyrex thread.

  On 5/12/2010 at 11:19 PM, Benedict Cumberbatch said:

hahahaha you must work at the weirdest office.

It's a law firm, and you'd think it would be very boring place, but there are some characters here, I tell you!

It could've been worse for the poor guy. Character #3 in this story did not fare so well.

http://chuckpalahniuk.net/features/shorts/guts

I was at a strip club for a friend's bachelor party, high on vicodin and a few drinks and needed a bump to pick me up. There was one of those attendant guys in there. First time in, no deal, I had to take a dump, right? Three 'dumps' later I come out and he says "Could I use the powder room?" I replied, "You ain't no fool, are you..." Set him up and we were both content.

i tihnk i would be haunted for all eternity if i happened to be the one overhearing and smell that.

  On 5/12/2010 at 11:38 PM, Candiru said:

It could've been worse for the poor guy. Character #3 in this story did not fare so well.

 

http://chuckpalahniuk.net/features/shorts/guts

i actually fainted when i read that after a friend linked me to it. i was high at the time and think that contributed.

I nominate this for next internet meme

flol

I was once waiting in line for the bathroom at a MacDonalds.

One of these Kids ---> was waiting behind me.

Finally my turn , i wanted to shit so bad , sat down , relaxed my bowels and let my anus puke digested food.

4 Minutes later i start hearing banging on the door , i was like "Busy , Oqupado , go away" , all of the sudden that kid with progeria enters the bathroom (i was still shiting) , he starts screaming "MY TURN!!!" , I was like "fuck off wiggle". (The Door was open , so everyone was watching this)

I stand up , dripped a little liquid shit on my pants (this really pissed me off) , i grabbed the kid by his big alien head and pushed him out of the bathroom.

Cleaned myself , washed my hand , got out , fucking police waiting for me , they accused me of assault (+ the fucking wiggle had a seizure) , spend the day in jail , was released because the charges were dropped.

So yeah , that was the weirdest thing i have heard in a bathroom , a progeria kid screaming "My Turn"

I can't laugh about this because it's IRL my biggest fear. I have some deep-seated trauma from a small fissure that I had when I was about 12 or so (not enough fiber, apparently). It wasn't severe (aside from forcing a much-needed diet change), but the first time I looked down and saw the toilet bowl filled with bright red capillary blood, I thought for sure I wasn't going to see 13. As a result I developed a quirky little phobia about my bum going all wrong.

  On 5/13/2010 at 12:23 AM, Boxing Day said:

I was once waiting in line for the bathroom at a MacDonalds.

 

One of these Kids ---> was waiting behind me.

 

Finally my turn , i wanted to shit so bad , sat down , relaxed my bowels and let my anus puke digested food.

4 Minutes later i start hearing banging on the door , i was like "Busy , Oqupado , go away" , all of the sudden that kid with progeria enters the bathroom (i was still shiting) , he starts screaming "MY TURN!!!" , I was like "fuck off wiggle". (The Door was open , so everyone was watching this)

I stand up , dripped a little liquid shit on my pants (this really pissed me off) , i grabbed the kid by his big alien head and pushed him out of the bathroom.

Cleaned myself , washed my hand , got out , fucking police waiting for me , they accused me of assault (+ the fucking wiggle had a seizure) , spend the day in jail , was released because the charges were dropped.

 

So yeah , that was the weirdest thing i have heard in a bathroom , a progeria kid screaming "My Turn"

So you're not only awful on the internet, but also in real life. Interesting...

Fucking hell

  On 5/13/2010 at 12:23 AM, Boxing Day said:

I was once waiting in line for the bathroom at a MacDonalds.

 

One of these Kids ---> was waiting behind me.

 

Finally my turn , i wanted to shit so bad , sat down , relaxed my bowels and let my anus puke digested food.

4 Minutes later i start hearing banging on the door , i was like "Busy , Oqupado , go away" , all of the sudden that kid with progeria enters the bathroom (i was still shiting) , he starts screaming "MY TURN!!!" , I was like "fuck off wiggle". (The Door was open , so everyone was watching this)

I stand up , dripped a little liquid shit on my pants (this really pissed me off) , i grabbed the kid by his big alien head and pushed him out of the bathroom.

Cleaned myself , washed my hand , got out , fucking police waiting for me , they accused me of assault (+ the fucking wiggle had a seizure) , spend the day in jail , was released because the charges were dropped.

 

So yeah , that was the weirdest thing i have heard in a bathroom , a progeria kid screaming "My Turn"

twice in the space of 1 minute you've made me flol.

well done sir

  On 5/13/2010 at 12:30 AM, Enter a new display name said:

 

So you're not only awful on the internet, but also in real life. Interesting...

Bathroom time is private man , i don't want no fucking kid screaming while i take a shit.

  On 5/13/2010 at 12:24 AM, baph said:

I can't laugh about this because it's IRL my biggest fear. I have some deep-seated trauma from a small fissure that I had when I was about 12 or so (not enough fiber, apparently). It wasn't severe (aside from forcing a much-needed diet change), but the first time I looked down and saw the toilet bowl filled with bright red capillary blood, I thought for sure I wasn't going to see 13. As a result I developed a quirky little phobia about my bum going all wrong.

I have this cousin, she has too small a pooper and poos blood like... on the regular. Plus you can poo blood because of hemorrhoids (personal experience ouch) and a huge variety of trivial reasons. Relax dude.

  On 5/13/2010 at 12:39 AM, Lube Saibot said:

  On 5/13/2010 at 12:24 AM, baph said:

I can't laugh about this because it's IRL my biggest fear. I have some deep-seated trauma from a small fissure that I had when I was about 12 or so (not enough fiber, apparently). It wasn't severe (aside from forcing a much-needed diet change), but the first time I looked down and saw the toilet bowl filled with bright red capillary blood, I thought for sure I wasn't going to see 13. As a result I developed a quirky little phobia about my bum going all wrong.

 

I have this cousin, she has too small a pooper and poos blood like... on the regular. Plus you can poo blood because of hemorrhoids (personal experience ouch) and a huge variety of trivial reasons. Relax dude.

i think you're a bit too close to your cousin there

  On 5/13/2010 at 12:39 AM, Lube Saibot said:

  On 5/13/2010 at 12:24 AM, baph said:

I can't laugh about this because it's IRL my biggest fear. I have some deep-seated trauma from a small fissure that I had when I was about 12 or so (not enough fiber, apparently). It wasn't severe (aside from forcing a much-needed diet change), but the first time I looked down and saw the toilet bowl filled with bright red capillary blood, I thought for sure I wasn't going to see 13. As a result I developed a quirky little phobia about my bum going all wrong.

 

I have this cousin, she has too small a pooper and poos blood like... on the regular. Plus you can poo blood because of hemorrhoids (personal experience ouch) and a huge variety of trivial reasons. Relax dude.

lol, relaxation does help.

I mean, I don't freak out every time I poop or anything, and I know not to worry now unless there's some arterial blood mixed in with the stool. It's just that reading about accidental/no homo prolapsing makes me feel pretty queasy.