On 6/3/2023 at 2:53 AM, aderei said:

So on elon....nobody actually thinks he's an engineer right?

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he is what they call a social engineer

  On 6/3/2023 at 1:35 AM, vkxwz said:

I am curious about what your experience is/was but don't want to pry, the few trans people I do know irl don't want to discuss this kind of thing with strangers.

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Ah yeah that's totally a fair approach, I can't resist getting jokes in where I can, but yeah you don't wanna just assume that everyone will open up. Though I do think there are existing things out there that can provide insights like https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en but even with the breadth, it still is just one source so it may not cover all experiences, but it is at least informed by some firsthand experiences.

I'm down to talk a bit about my own experience as well, I'm planning on writing something a bit more in-depth very soon, so this is actually a good opportunity to get a rough draft out for some of that.

I only recently began transitioning, started taking hormones about a year ago. I'd come to the conclusion that it was what I needed to do in February of 2022. It's like I was waiting for the moment that would be the worst timing possible, since that was shortly before the huge furor over Lia Thomas kicked up, and it feels like that marked the point where a lot of people decided they would absolutely never shut the fuck up about how they're mad that transgender people exist.

So I mentioned earlier that I was 11 when I realized I was trans. I was 36 when I gave myself permission to pursue it. I spent 25 years repressing. I don't think a lot of people who aren't transgender realize exactly how powerful the cultural forces that encouraged repression were in the 90s and 00s.

Do you remember Quack Pack? It was a 1996 cartoon that Disney did for television, updating Donald Duck's nephews for modern sensibilities. They were cool teens now, and could have plausibly skateboarded. In the first episode, they got super powers, the nephew that wore blue got the super powered brain, head all big. The other ones had strength and speed, or something like that. The three boys split up to do some superhero business, blue boy sees that a plane is crashing and decides to save the day by possessing a stewardess, so that he can land the plane. The joke being that he doesn't know how to land a plane, and they still crash. The speed powered brother shows up and discusses his own adventure, and asked how it went for blue boy. He responds with "I found out what it's like to be a woman" (because he possessed a stewardess). He looks quite shaken by this. His brother looks at him and makes a "wtf?!" face and dramatically back away, a great distance. This is how I know that I knew I was trans when I was 11, because I remember feeling shitty after seeing this. It's funny to revisit the clip now 

Like it seems silly to say this is such a significant thing for me, especially since this video is on a fetish youtube account full of body swap content, for ppl to jack their dicks off with. But it really did establish an understanding in the broader culture that reverberated back thru my memories of the first Ace Ventura movie, and forward into Jerry Springer and the high prominence of "chicks with dicks" in 90s internet porn. I understood that is not something that is compatible with a normal life and relationships, that this belonged to a fringe subculture that I wasn't cool, rich, or sexual enough to ever be a part of, and the reminders were non-stop and could appear in anything.

Because it's not like there was something that triggered this. It just came along with the ride on puberty, like "hey yeah, everything that's happening is wrong, but there's this other way, not gonna happen for you but it's actually everything that should be happening. Everything that is happening to you adds something bad while simultaneously taking you away from what's right". And so then on top of that, it's like "oh yeah and also everyone hates that you are this, even tho it doesn't hurt anyone, it's just offensive that you could think to do this".

I spent some time feeling horrible. I guess it was convenient that middle school was available so I could have a delineated space to be emotionally unstable. But eventually, I figured out an approach that got me thru the day to day, an embrace of a concept that I called "gender dissonance". I wasn't aware of the term gender dysphoria at all, it's sort of connected, but it's like I wanted to use that dysphoria as a part of a male identity, treat it like the noise in noise rock. I would be a failure of a man, but aggressively, knowingly, so that it would still somehow work out to be masculine. It never really involved direct femininity, it was dealing more with the specific areas where the absence of masculinity, for a man, becomes femininity, even tho it's a negative value, it's not actually the posession of something.

I probably need to sit down and figure it out how to explain that part better. But like, you know how there's dipshits online who try to act like they're being kind when they tell trans people to just not be trans, and accept their body as it is? I was like their model citizen! I found a way to make the male gender sort of work for me. Fortunately, I was still able to be happy for the trans people who came into greater prominence in the 10's. I was like "well that's just not possible for me".

There's some people out there who, as part of their repression, will be really fucking transphobic online. Because that way, you know you can't come out, because you know how shitty people would be to you. Glad that's not me, looks miserable!

I've seen this trope in some video games, where when they really want to fuck with you, they'll invert your controls so that left goes right, and up goes down. You can get used to it but it's still extra taxing on the brain. That's what it felt like to live, even with this identity I'd crafted for myself, like I was still going through all of this extra work to come out normal. I didn't actually realize all the ways that living like this was impacting me. I was living entirely in the moment because I didn't really care about a future for myself. I didn't realize that it was possible to see myself and feel good without the use of alcohol.

I transitioned so that I could free up all that mental effort that I was wasting on hiding the fact that I was trans. Especially since I realized the only people who benefitted from this effort were assholes! But yeah honestly the gender stereotype stuff kind of helped me prolong the repression. There's so many bullshit expectations on women, almost like capitalism stole parts of the gender and expects us to buy it back, while masculinity is allowed to be a bit more innate. Not to say that there's no pitfalls on the male side, I've seen it, it's rough. But I was able to use this idea that it'd be cheaper to stay put, and build up some paper thin walls that I respected for longer than I should have.

I do enjoy the clothing options that are available to me, but it's more like now I actually care about my visual appearance, where I didn't really at all before. And I just feel more comfortable with everything that the hormone swap has done for my mind and body. I don't think I'm really going to do too well with many of the stereotypical stuff, but I think I'll still get by comfortably enough. So yeah at least for me, that kind of stuff has not really been what I'm after.

Sorry for writing so much lol

The fucked up part is that there's so much more ground to cover...

Edited June 3, 2023 by taphead

Thanks for taking the time to type that out. I don't have anything to add but I'm thankful that I can sit and try to learn as much as I can.

  On 6/3/2023 at 2:53 AM, aderei said:

So on elon....nobody actually thinks he's an engineer right?

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he's soon going to be a cage fighter

also, shaprio vs nicki minaj beef

diversity is our strength 

spectacle really  ramping up.

  On 6/23/2023 at 7:36 PM, ignatius said:

spectacle really  ramping up.

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twitter is the new reality tv

 

this just in, new reality tv show, "billionaire gulag", can they escape the submarine in time to make their mining shift?

    Quote

Linda Yaccarino’s vision for Twitter 2.0 emerges

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https://arstechnica.com/tech-policy/2023/06/linda-yaccarinos-vision-for-twitter-2-0-emerges/

  On 6/23/2023 at 7:36 PM, ignatius said:

spectacle really  ramping up.

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next up: hunger games

  On 6/27/2023 at 7:07 PM, zlemflolia said:

this just in, new reality tv show, "billionaire gulag", can they escape the submarine in time to make their mining shift?

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if this happens, it will end up just like 99% of crypto: a scam that only leaves a select few with a tidy sum

google is now showing 50% less twitter links after not keeping up with cloud bills; not to mention their other billing issues

https://www.threads.net/t/CuVcZ21J_jm/

 

zuck and gates v musk and dorsey

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blue check mark?

  On 7/10/2023 at 12:43 AM, Nebraska said:

 

 

zuck and gates v musk and dorsey

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    Quote

X.com now points to https://twitter.com. Interim X logo goes live later today.

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^^^

before x: 

 

after x:

 

i wonder if the cage match will be streamed on twitter... or if that part of the site is still not working?

but if you add a little hat photo shows up no problem.. 

 

 

Edited July 25, 2023 by ignatius

FLOL

  On 7/25/2023 at 1:57 PM, ignatius said:

i wonder if the cage match will be streamed on twitter... or if that part of the site is still not working?

but if you add a little hat photo shows up no problem.. 

 

 

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Ah come on hahaha are you really falling for this?

tucker in the south central LA with ice cube. not sure how I feel about this except cube needs to face a disciplinary committee for his "right wing" activities

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  On 7/26/2023 at 1:42 AM, vkxwz said:

Ah come on hahaha are you really falling for this?

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nothing is real. it's all for laughs. so laugh.