Being socially awkward and uncomfortable

I only like talking to my cats. Eureka, Parfait, Mulee, Latuna, and Calle.

  On 3/16/2012 at 3:35 PM, kokeboka said:

I went to this feminist art exhibit the other day; it was in an abandoned workshop in a bad part of town, they were playing Black Sabbath, and everyone there looked really odd. The art there featured paintings of men being speared by naked women and lying in pools of blood, and goat-headed naked women with tar coming out of their vaginas. At some point people formed a circle around a piece of perfomance art where a young guy was in his underwear sitting on a chair and getting a shave from one of the artists. I felt like I was suddenly in a Lars Von Trier film.

 

i am pretty sure you were actually on set of the next LVT film

I was a bit sociably awkward (I had a stutter up until I was s-ss-sss-sixt-t-t-t-teeen ) Which didn't really help matters. I gradually got over my stutter naturaly when I left school and started to go to college. Even then I wasn't the biggest of sociallites but I always had a handful of good friends, and we all loved going to the pub and getting drunk, so there was always that social edge to me. I could be a great conservationist with my mates but be quiet around unknown people. It has always taken me a long time to get to know people, And at parties/weddings/dinner parties you don't have time to figure people out do you? Still to this day as I said earlier I can feel awkward in those situations but tbh as you get older, you adopt the attitude of 'not giving a fuck' what people think. Once you have learnt this frame of mind? Trust me, it's no problemo.

Edited March 16, 2012 by beerwolf

it would have been great if you stuttered on 'problemo'

  On 3/16/2012 at 7:37 PM, chimera slot mom said:

  On 3/16/2012 at 6:55 PM, fiznuthian said:

Do you guys actually prefer to be alone most of the time or is this a mindset you have adopted to rationalize your way out of going out?

I did this a LOT, borderline agoraphobic.. Can't really blame anyone but yourself, and sitting around saying "I just don't like any of these people" is a terrible attitude that will get you nowhere.

I had hard times with this myself for a long time, but honestly, it's not that difficult.

This.

 

It's as simple as getting yourself into as many social situations as you can and getting over it. You'll naturally come out of your shell the more you get into it. Be around plenty/as many close friends as you can in these situations so if you feel uncomfortable you aren't on your own and can always just hang with them until you're comfortable.

 

Drinking helps.

  On 3/16/2012 at 8:48 PM, tauboo said:

it would have been great if you stuttered on 'problemo'

 

  On 3/16/2012 at 6:55 PM, fiznuthian said:

Do you guys actually prefer to be alone most of the time or is this a mindset you have adopted to rationalize your way out of going out?

I did this a LOT, borderline agoraphobic.. Can't really blame anyone but yourself, and sitting around saying "I just don't like any of these people" is a terrible attitude that will get you nowhere.

 

but i really don't like 90% of people. they talk about stupid topics that i don't care about and their ideas of fun are vastly different from mine.

 

i actually feel like it's disrespectful toward them when i feign interest, as well as degrading to myself. i don't like "faking" being nice or being interested in others. i did it all throughout high school because i was starved for friendship and it didn't get me anywhere. i'm much happier just being myself at social events or not going to them at all if i know the people there will be totally uninteresting individuals. i know that means i'll never have hundreds of friends or whatever, but i'd rather just have a couple of really cool ones.

I haven't talked to anyone since I was 5.

 

 

 

  On 3/16/2012 at 9:18 PM, Bewarethefriendlyfoil said:

I haven't talked to anyone since I was 5.

 

 

 

 

A true wattumer

  On 3/16/2012 at 5:15 PM, Murveman said:

Oh yea, in regards to drugs, I cannot smoke weed with any of these people. They end up talking about dumb shit that I can't connect with and their weed is so strong that I can't get out of my own mind. I'd smoke mine, but it's too strong too, guess it's the town I'm living in and the fact that I only smoke one to two times per week.

 

Having dreads probably draws stoners to me. Need to find people that enjoy smoking weed but aren't stoners.

 

the only bad thing about weed is so-called 'weed culture'. it's fucking awful.

 

but if i'm going out socialising, i won't smoke. it makes me too quiet and lost in my own thoughts.

  On 3/16/2012 at 5:15 PM, Murveman said:

 

Having dreads probably draws stoners to me. Need to find people that enjoy smoking weed but aren't stoners.

yus I know what you mean. Thinking about dreading my precious metal hair...but probably wont do it.

 

 

  On 3/16/2012 at 6:55 PM, fiznuthian said:

Do you guys actually prefer to be alone most of the time or is this a mindset you have adopted to rationalize your way out of going out?

I prefer being alone because then I get to focus on improving myself with my main hobbies. Though those hobbies do have socially interactive ways you can take them (band/bass/guitar playing, mountain biking). If I spend too much time jamming with friends or a band I get to where I'm like "ok I want a week to just be a recluse". There will be music I want to work on learning on my own, and when I am out every evening I can't and that makes me anxious. Or I'll want to put some new parts on my bike and work on fixing it up or whatever with a glass of cold beer and nobody to nag me.

 

 

You guys bugged about pointless small talk. Chill out. I got over that by talking random small talk in public with people everywhere I go. It will always be awkward regardless of how confident you are. You never know that maybe 1/10 people might actually have something interesting to say. Something more than fucking UNC/Duke rivalry march madness jank or what Lil Wayne is doing.

  On 3/16/2012 at 4:01 PM, Gary C said:

Alcohol will get you so far, but to really be confident and less socially awkward I firmly believe you need to embrace hate. Recognise that everyone around you is an idiot who hasn't yet realised that they are being graced with your presence. You're above them, and this place, and every thought in your head is far interesting and considered than anything any of them could muster or regurgitate.

 

interesting theory. instead of feeling good about yourself - lower everybody else to pond scum!

 

  On 3/16/2012 at 6:51 PM, fiznuthian said:

 

Basically here's how it works:

- When socializing you will only get out of it what you put in. Forming relationships with people is a two-way street. You must be interested a person for them to be interested in you. I feigned this for years and got nowhere.

- Feeling at ease requires confidence.. You build confidence by working towards goals, creating accomplishments, pursuing passions and interests, and by finding things about you that you love and expanding upon them. Once you've established a sense of pride, a sense that you can make yourself laugh and enjoy your own company, the presence of other people no matter how many will never bother you again.

- If you do not enjoy the way you look, you must WORK to change it. You may never have the perfect body, but with enough work most anyone can make themselves far more attractive than they started. This is empowering, and helps you sub-consciously behave confidently. I never held my head high pretty much ever in my life until now.. I look great these days and find myself keeping my head up all the time. I smile much more often, because I feel I look fairly good.

- The more you love yourself and do not depend on another human being to keep yours spirits high, people will notice and they will become interested in you.

 

 

great post and your others posts too. i think you could help a lot of watmmers with your wisdom.

 

 

introvertism is getting alot of coverage these days in the media.

  On 3/16/2012 at 9:06 PM, Hoodie said:

  On 3/16/2012 at 6:55 PM, fiznuthian said:

Do you guys actually prefer to be alone most of the time or is this a mindset you have adopted to rationalize your way out of going out?

I did this a LOT, borderline agoraphobic.. Can't really blame anyone but yourself, and sitting around saying "I just don't like any of these people" is a terrible attitude that will get you nowhere.

 

but i really don't like 90% of people. they talk about stupid topics that i don't care about and their ideas of fun are vastly different from mine.

 

i actually feel like it's disrespectful toward them when i feign interest, as well as degrading to myself. i don't like "faking" being nice or being interested in others. i did it all throughout high school because i was starved for friendship and it didn't get me anywhere. i'm much happier just being myself at social events or not going to them at all if i know the people there will be totally uninteresting individuals. i know that means i'll never have hundreds of friends or whatever, but i'd rather just have a couple of really cool ones.

This is where I'm at as well. For now it's a pain in the ass because I spend a lot of time away from my main group of friends and my girlfriend. I'd rather sit in my basement, listen to music, and program; or go for a walk.

 

I just feel like I'm boring when I'm with a lot of other people. They're always talking about sports and weed, and I'm not saying that that is bad, I just have no interest in talking about those things. I talk about music, indie games, projects, and just random shit with my other friends.

 

And holy shit, theSun, we must be the same person.

Why can't this whole website just move to one city and we can all be socially content?

I was planning to start a thread similar to this a few weeks back. I could write essays about my own social awkwardness but I'd be pretty much just repeating what everyone else has said in the thread. However some of you might be interested in this, has some good ideas on why being an introvert should be seen as a positive rather than a negative:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0KYU2j0TM4

its not so bad.

 

 

think about going to a party as acting. show off your skill. project confidence even if you don't have it at the moment. Oddly enough the act turns into the reality more than not.

 

 

i mean, i only ever want to talk about music, history, and philosophy so Im usually sorta bored by most conversations....but that's where the act and the thrill of the challenge is. Think of something unique to interject with, BOOM! fun conversation!

Edited March 16, 2012 by Smettingham Rutherford IV

  On 3/16/2012 at 9:06 PM, Hoodie said:

  On 3/16/2012 at 6:55 PM, fiznuthian said:

Do you guys actually prefer to be alone most of the time or is this a mindset you have adopted to rationalize your way out of going out?

I did this a LOT, borderline agoraphobic.. Can't really blame anyone but yourself, and sitting around saying "I just don't like any of these people" is a terrible attitude that will get you nowhere.

 

but i really don't like 90% of people. they talk about stupid topics that i don't care about and their ideas of fun are vastly different from mine.

 

i actually feel like it's disrespectful toward them when i feign interest, as well as degrading to myself. i don't like "faking" being nice or being interested in others. i did it all throughout high school because i was starved for friendship and it didn't get me anywhere. i'm much happier just being myself at social events or not going to them at all if i know the people there will be totally uninteresting individuals. i know that means i'll never have hundreds of friends or whatever, but i'd rather just have a couple of really cool ones.

 

Are you implying by "i actually feel like it's disrespectful toward them when i feign interest" that you have no interest in them at all?

It sounds like you are saying you are not a nice person, and by acting nice you are not displaying who you really are.

Why do you focus on this feature about yourself? You must have qualities other than being not nice or interested in other people. Have you considered that other people may find your qualities and strengths interesting? They may even want to explore, or share activities with you because of them. The "acting" that you describe is an exchange of query, and in reality most people do not take it very seriously. But the very act of engaging in a "small talk" where broad, open answer questions are exchanged, the two parties are subconsciously inviting each other into their domain. They're putting eachother into a state of vulnerability, stating who they are and allowing the other person to make judgements.

 

Perhaps that's what is so scary to a person with social anxiety? The idea that not everyone in this exchange will act kindly, or appreciate you. In fact some people will be mean to you when you thought your relationship with them was going well. Or others may display kindness, but secretly manipulate and use. The socially anxious person puts other people on a pedestal, assuming the other person will be "better" (for lack of better terms) than they are. I did this so fucking much its ridiculous. I didn't value myself. I assumed in any first-encounter that the other person had an edge on me somehow, or was more beautiful, or I was biased and forgot that hey, perhaps they struggle too?

I feel this sets you up for a crushing blow, when that other person finally reveals to you they just aren't interested..

 

That's right. That's the moment where:

- They don't find you interesting at all

- They find you annoying

- Your body language isn't inviting and they now know it

- Some might even think you're ugly

- They see you appear to be uninterested in them and become anxious themselves

- They're looking you in the eyes but you're staring anywhere else

- etc

 

This is the moment where you've failed, and failure hurts when you've done nothing to succeed anywhere else. This is what it feels like for me, personally, to have a social anxiety disorder. It was a belief system, where I would think "I want to..." instead of "I can" and "I will", and through confirmation bias set myself up for failure every time. I was working to make sure I had any other reason but me for why things never worked out.

That's why I can't stress enough that if you are a so called "socially awkward" person, you need to make yourself vulnerable and go out there and do things. People will show you they are interested.

Go exercise, go shop for food that is healthy for you, and step by step accomplish your goals. Make a web diagram or break down your plans on paper if you have to.

Ask people questions, then ask them more questions.

I swear to you that the more you improve and begin to take pride in yourself, the more you will find your interactions with other people more enjoyable. Source your own happiness and let everyone else contribute to it. You'll find by doing this people flock to you like sheep, wondering where your inner fire came from.

 

Oh and NO that giant room full of people is not thinking anything about you.

In fact, other than a few quick glances and passing idle thoughts, typically no one in the room could give a flying shit how intellectually stimulating, unique, or different you think you are. If you think you're so much more special or interesting than they are, you might need to check yourself.

something something sexual prowess

How about this..

Is it possible to be friendly to another person without actually finding them terribly interesting?

Doing this makes you seem nicer to everyone around who notices. It shows you are willing to put aside differences for the sake of hospitality.

It also makes you a better conversationalist.

 

But if you do the opposite, and shut the other person down, how does this appear to everyone else?

And do you think any of them would be likely to approach you? Or even want to at all?

Pretty sure this decision making happens often on a sub-conscious level. In a large crowd people are making rapid-fire decisions about who and who not to talk to.

A smile and friendly gestures goes a long way. And when people see you being friendly to everyone, they want their slice of the pie too.

  On 3/16/2012 at 9:40 PM, Benedict Cumberbatch said:

 

great post and your others posts too. i think you could help a lot of watmmers with your wisdom.

 

 

introvertism is getting alot of coverage these days in the media.

 

Hey thanks man. Being introverted is definitely a cool thing.

It's totally possible to be both introverted and not socially awkward. They get lumped together a lot though..

  On 3/16/2012 at 9:59 PM, fiznuthian said:

  On 3/16/2012 at 9:06 PM, Hoodie said:

  On 3/16/2012 at 6:55 PM, fiznuthian said:

Do you guys actually prefer to be alone most of the time or is this a mindset you have adopted to rationalize your way out of going out?

I did this a LOT, borderline agoraphobic.. Can't really blame anyone but yourself, and sitting around saying "I just don't like any of these people" is a terrible attitude that will get you nowhere.

 

but i really don't like 90% of people. they talk about stupid topics that i don't care about and their ideas of fun are vastly different from mine.

 

i actually feel like it's disrespectful toward them when i feign interest, as well as degrading to myself. i don't like "faking" being nice or being interested in others. i did it all throughout high school because i was starved for friendship and it didn't get me anywhere. i'm much happier just being myself at social events or not going to them at all if i know the people there will be totally uninteresting individuals. i know that means i'll never have hundreds of friends or whatever, but i'd rather just have a couple of really cool ones.

 

Are you implying by "i actually feel like it's disrespectful toward them when i feign interest" that you have no interest in them at all?

It sounds like you are saying you are not a nice person, and by acting nice you are not displaying who you really are.

Why do you focus on this feature about yourself? You must have qualities other than being not nice or interested in other people. Have you considered that other people may find your qualities and strengths interesting? They may even want to explore, or share activities with you because of them. The "acting" that you describe is an exchange of query, and in reality most people do not take it very seriously. But the very act of engaging in a "small talk" where broad, open answer questions are exchanged, the two parties are subconsciously inviting each other into their domain. They're putting eachother into a state of vulnerability, stating who they are and allowing the other person to make judgements.

 

Perhaps that's what is so scary to a person with social anxiety? The idea that not everyone in this exchange will act kindly, or appreciate you. In fact some people will be mean to you when you thought your relationship with them was going well. Or others may display kindness, but secretly manipulate and use. The socially anxious person puts other people on a pedestal, assuming the other person will be "better" (for lack of better terms) than they are. I did this so fucking much its ridiculous. I didn't value myself. I assumed in any first-encounter that the other person had an edge on me somehow, or was more beautiful, or I was biased and forgot that hey, perhaps they struggle too?

I feel this sets you up for a crushing blow, when that other person finally reveals to you they just aren't interested..

 

That's right. That's the moment where:

- They don't find you interesting at all

- They find you annoying

- Your body language isn't inviting and they now know it

- Some might even think you're ugly

- They see you appear to be uninterested in them and become anxious themselves

- They're looking you in the eyes but you're staring anywhere else

- etc

 

This is the moment where you've failed, and failure hurts when you've done nothing to succeed anywhere else. This is what it feels like for me, personally, to have a social anxiety disorder. It was a belief system, where I would think "I want to..." instead of "I can" and "I will", and through confirmation bias set myself up for failure every time. I was working to make sure I had any other reason but me for why things never worked out.

That's why I can't stress enough that if you are a so called "socially awkward" person, you need to make yourself vulnerable and go out there and do things. People will show you they are interested.

Go exercise, go shop for food that is healthy for you, and step by step accomplish your goals. Make a web diagram or break down your plans on paper if you have to.

Ask people questions, then ask them more questions.

I swear to you that the more you improve and begin to take pride in yourself, the more you will find your interactions with other people more enjoyable. Source your own happiness and let everyone else contribute to it. You'll find by doing this people flock to you like sheep, wondering where your inner fire came from.

 

Oh and NO that giant room full of people is not thinking anything about you.

In fact, other than a few quick glances and passing idle thoughts, typically no one in the room could give a flying shit how intellectually stimulating, unique, or different you think you are. If you think you're so much more special or interesting than they are, you might need to check yourself.

 

i don't have social anxiety. i just don't like developing relationships with people who don't have the same interests as me. i feel it's a waste of time.

  On 3/16/2012 at 6:51 PM, fiznuthian said:

 

 

Lastly I want to throw this out there, just in case..

I only just recently this year gave up pornography altogether. Perhaps not for a healthy, socially prominent male, but for anyone else porn is a tricky thing..

I swear to god the shit reprograms the male brain to assume any and every girl you meet or contact is a potential fuckfest. For me, this was a HUGE mental obstacle and would send my heart racing a million miles an hour everytime I try to approach a girl. Since giving up the prons and jacking off much less often (without visual aid), I stopped fantasizing about girls and getting attached to them. I also have a LOT more testosterone rolling through my veins at any given time. This is just pure speculation though, and probably N=1. Just something to consider. Porn is a very, very strong visual stimulus.

 

I came (heh) to the same conclusion somewhat recently, and this is one of those things our generation will have to figure out. Jacking off to five tabs of youporn videos everyday will mess with the way your brain regulates dopamine. Your neural pathways will work the same way with any other kind of addiction. Where you would normally be getting your dopamine highs from social interaction, you're getting them from internet porn, so the need to connect with others seems much less appealing. I think A LOT of people have problems like this and much worse, but have no idea.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/science/2012/mar/13/why-the-world-needs-introverts

it wont really help, but maybe it encourages one to not isolate oneself: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Man_Who_Sleeps

questions is definitely a good tactic. if you really feel no interest towards anyone then you might be depressed?

 

  On 3/16/2012 at 10:55 PM, Candiru said:

 

Where you would normally be getting your dopamine highs from social interaction, you're getting them from internet messageboards

 

Even WATMM is no match for the porns.