Being socially awkward and uncomfortable

i'm meeting up with a cute puerto rican girl if that makes it any less sad.

edit: no, it does not.

whatever makes asymmetrical head happy is the opposite of sad, and i'm sure that would make him happy

  On 3/17/2012 at 12:17 AM, chimera slot mom said:

Face it, you're an uncertain, shivering wreck of an attempt at a human being, which is what a human being is, and who everybody else is around you. Some people really, really stick to their "act" and you're going to dislike these people if you're a freethinker, but once you get that that is their coping mechanism you'll have less of a problem with them and can play their act with them, if only for the fun of it. I think you will have to come to terms with some deeper questions about your identity and needs in life to be able to deal with the simpler stuff without too much headache.

Looking at the history of humans, a person that doesn't want to kill you is pretty much a blessing.

Throw the need for validation out the window. Will not help you one bit. ... A person that doesn't like you will be a person less to worry about. You might have to put yourself through that experience a few times to get that it's not as painful as it seems.

Put yourself through shit, like a shitty job, that makes you feel entitled just for enduring it. Speaking your mind will be childs play compared to it.

...

You have to examine the vicinity around you and realize everybody is just fucking nervous as shit but they're trying to convince themselves and thus everybody around them that they aren't, so they develop their personalities in accordance with established ideas of success. The funny thing is they're doing it without even thinking about it ... But it's a key thing to figure out to be more okay with yourself. Just don't forget that your grand life is an act as well. Confidence is bullshit. Just have fun.

Great, great post. Hope you don't mind me whittling it down to my favorite parts.

I was worried about a party I'm going to tomorrow, and the part I bolded was exactly what I needed to read. Really puts in perspective just how rare and precious genuine connection is, and how fortunate we are to be able to be free to make stupid social blunders and express ourselves and have fun without being scared for our lives.

  On 3/17/2012 at 12:17 AM, chimera slot mom said:

Lots of good stuff being said.

 

I like to have a few ideas in my head that help, and I have developed most of these over the course of a decade of spectacular failures at figuring this shit out while overthinking it at the same time. I really don't believe in self improvement or whatever you want to call it but I'm all for being a happier and more free person. So basically:

 

Face it, you're an uncertain, shivering wreck of an attempt at a human being, which is what a human being is, and who everybody else is around you. Some people really, really stick to their "act" and you're going to dislike these people if you're a freethinker, but once you get that that is their coping mechanism you'll have less of a problem with them and can play their act with them, if only for the fun of it. I think you will have to come to terms with some deeper questions about your identity and needs in life to be able to deal with the simpler stuff without too much headache.

Looking at the history of humans, a person that doesn't want to kill you is pretty much a blessing.

Throw the need for validation out the window. Will not help you one bit. For some reason people hate people who display too obviously that they just want to be liked and don't hide it through elaborate acts of financial or sports performance. A person that doesn't like you will be a person less to worry about. You might have to put yourself through that experience a few times to get that it's not as painful as it seems.

Put yourself through shit, like a shitty job, that makes you feel entitled just for enduring it. Speaking your mind will be childs play compared to it. So it's mostly an adaptation and perspective thing.

Social stuff is really not about words, thinking or anything like that. It's just a kind of natural call and response thing that happens best when you just let loose in the moment and don't worry too much about the persons particular interests.

 

Probably lots more to process before you get it but you have to examine the vicinity around you and realize everybody is just fucking nervous as shit but they're trying to convince themselves and thus everybody around them that they aren't, so they develop their personalities in accordance with established ideas of success. The funny thing is they're doing it without even thinking about it, and will be mighty pissed off if you even suggest the possibility of the idea that their very serious life is an act. But it's a key thing to figure out to be more okay with yourself. Just don't forget that your grand life is an act as well. Confidence is bullshit. Just have fun.

excellent post, you've pretty much nailed it.

it's the "acting" part that I have the greatest trouble with, like I think there shouldn't be an act at all but just natural interaction with your guard down. But if that's all a fallacy then yeah, fuck it, I can act with the best of 'em

  On 3/16/2012 at 3:54 PM, verticalhold said:

 

 

I think part of it is that I'm judgemental, and when I see guys dressed like guidos and girls who wear a 2-foot sheet of vinyl and call it a dress, sloshing about and arguing about who said what to who's other half, puffed chests, shouting to try to have a conversation

While there is something to be said for what other people in the thread have written, i.e. "you only get out of it what you put into it", there is some validity in withholding from conversation that will inevitably revolve around getting "fucking wasted bro", "best work-out for biceps", "how many sluts did you fuck last month" and "where's the best deals for spray-on orange tan".

  On 3/16/2012 at 4:01 PM, Gary C said:

Alcohol will get you so far, but to really be confident and less socially awkward I firmly believe you need to embrace hate. Recognise that everyone around you is an idiot who hasn't yet realised that they are being graced with your presence. You're above them, and this place, and every thought in your head is far interesting and considered than anything any of them could muster or regurgitate.

So pretty much like getting ready to post in the BoC sub-forum....

  On 3/17/2012 at 4:26 AM, Smettingham Rutherford IV said:

  On 3/17/2012 at 4:04 AM, fiznuthian said:

  On 3/17/2012 at 2:51 AM, Smettingham Rutherford IV said:

you know how you acquire self-esteem? You convince yourself that you have it. This isn't some sort of Warcraft item.

What is there to feel good about yourself if you've done nothing to improve?

 

This is the circular reasoning that guarantees that you remain in the state you are already in.

It certainly can be circular if there's no decisions being made. Ya gotta want to have a self-esteem, which I guess is what you're saying. i.e. convincing yourself that you have it.

I changed my lifestyle entirely to one of real food(not even going to start this here, heh), started exercising, cycling, joined a couple clubs, actively pursued some friendships, etc..

it was entirely me at fault for feeling like shit all of the years.. literally I was doing nothing to improve myself whatsoever.

I feel fucking great now, and cured my skin disorder in the process... That gives me a tremendous sense of pride.

I know what you mean though. That line of reasoning is easy to get stuck in..

"I wish I was doing something but I am not! But if I did, I wouldn't feel this way." and yet nothing happens. No decisions, no actions, just further reinforcing that you can do nothing.

Vicious trap, this is.

Good thread

Watmm was born to write this thread, evidently.

I generally don't enjoy going out any more. I just can't be fucked though...I prefer to just stay in, make tunes, listen to tunes, surf watmm...the usual stuff. I used to enjoy going raving and stuff but I can't be arsed with that either these days... I think it must be something to do with being over 30. my ideal "night out" these days is some pub grub in the early evening with my missus, maybe a couple of ales to go with that and then back home before 9pm, put a movie on and kick back... boring cunt lol.

i have extensive experience with anxiety/agoraphobia having been previously housebound for the majority of my life, i would not wish it on my worst enemy. it is utterly debilitating and life destroying. it is also greatly misunderstood and not taken seriously enough in the medical field. anyways, those with mild social phobia/anxiety DONT let yourself slip any further, you have no idea good you currently have it compared to how bad it can get.

  On 3/17/2012 at 12:37 PM, BCM said:

I generally don't enjoy going out any more. I just can't be fucked though...I prefer to just stay in, make tunes, listen to tunes, surf watmm...the usual stuff. I used to enjoy going raving and stuff but I can't be arsed with that either these days... I think it must be something to do with being over 30. my ideal "night out" these days is some pub grub in the early evening with my missus, maybe a couple of ales to go with that and then back home before 9pm, put a movie on and kick back... boring cunt lol.

Troooth. It can be quite liberating being over 30 though, just do what you want without feeling the need to keep everyone happy. Your ideal night out is the same as mine, few ales and a laugh with mates. Nowt spectacular. When the better weather comes I like beer gardens and bbq's. I don't feel the need to do anything more than that. I am going to Bloc 2012 and I could only be arsed with that since seeing the new live Squarepusher footage. Otherwise I'd rather be at home, scratching my nuts to the Analords and sipping a beer.

Some of you fella's need to sort it out though, sounds quite bad in my book.

I don't know if I am really socially awkward, I can manage large crowds and speak in public if needed. And I don't shun away from going to parties, although they've been to a minimum lately, mostly because the fun/hangover ratio has gone heavily toward the hangover side. And I've had my parties and since I am at uni with kids 10 years younger than me, I feel sort of too old for that shit and let the kids have their fun without an old cynic fart like me judging them. But on the other hand I guess you are never too old to party.

But I do like to keep to myself and if I am going somewhere then it's if someone is requesting me. I don't remember the last time I called someone and asked if they were interested in a beer somewhere. The main issue is that I have a low self-esteem and just don't think I am that interesting or good enough and I simply wouldn't like to impose on others, so I just keep to myself and not bother anyone. It's actually damn stupid, since people do seem to think I'm funny and enjoy my company when out and about, but there you go. It's definitely a feedback loop that just keeps reinforcing the negative mindset. Why I keep at it even if I am cognizant of it, is the question. Complicated shit.

maybe you just prefer to do things by yourself, you like your own company? im very much like that these days. any extended amount of time spent with other people is really draining, i like to do things on my own terms and in my own time

  On 3/17/2012 at 1:35 PM, kaen said:

maybe you just prefer to do things by yourself, you like your own company? im very much like that these days. any extended amount of time spent with other people is really draining, i like to do things on my own terms and in my own time

yeah, I like to be alone and I don't feel lonely

This thread is like opening the door to the crazy room.

<3

Does IDM attract a certain type of personality? Or is IDM just a subset of many different interests that a certain type of personality has?

  On 3/17/2012 at 1:35 PM, kaen said:

maybe you just prefer to do things by yourself, you like your own company? im very much like that these days. any extended amount of time spent with other people is really draining, i like to do things on my own terms and in my own time

Yeah, I don't mind being by myself. But then sometime I think that if I just disappeared, who would notice and would it even matter, then I get sad.

  On 3/17/2012 at 1:59 PM, azatoth said:

Does IDM attract a certain type of personality? Or is IDM just a subset of many different interests that a certain type of personality has?

I'm not sure it's the music, I think it's the forums dedicated to the music that are the problem.

  On 3/17/2012 at 2:04 PM, Dan C said:

  On 3/17/2012 at 1:59 PM, azatoth said:

Does IDM attract a certain type of personality? Or is IDM just a subset of many different interests that a certain type of personality has?

 

I'm not sure it's the music, I think it's the forums dedicated to the music that are the problem.

Well, spending an inordinate time on the internet is definitely a factor. But time enjoyed wasting is not wasted time.

  On 3/16/2012 at 11:00 PM, stockfish said:

it wont really help, but maybe it encourages one to not isolate oneself: http://en.wikipedia...._Man_Who_Sleeps

cheers. this was pretty good.

  On 3/17/2012 at 2:35 AM, Hoodie said:

  On 3/17/2012 at 2:30 AM, KY said:

^^^ yes.

 

regardless of how confident people may seem in many situations, we are all human beings with confidence issues to some degree, or at the very least, unfathomable personal issues that make their way into our exchanges with other people.

 

all i can say is: relax. realize that whatever inconsequential conversation or exchange you have with somebody is not the end of the world, and if you make such a bad impression, who cares? you can either make a better impression the next time you talk to them, or they're not worth the trouble to worry about.

 

i'm sure people with anxiety realize this. it's just that their negative thoughts and lack of self esteem overpower their rational side.

 

for example: i have terrible performance anxiety. even though i knew i had no reason to feel anxious and that it was a stupid overreaction, i would still get anxiety attacks when having to talk in front of groups. i tried breathing techniques, meditation, positive self-talk... the only thing that has helped me is medication (beta blockers are some magic stuff).

aw fuck, totally right. I think I was drunk enough last night to write that without considering the implications of low self-esteem (whose usual effects I feel and factor into my post if I were sober, but suppose that wasn't the case). As I'm recovering from a hangover with watered-down dunkin' donuts iced coffee (egh lol), I am now recalling how the whole self-esteem issue is my problem too. Shit.

edit:

  On 3/17/2012 at 4:40 AM, Hoodie said:

i'm meeting up with a cute puerto rican girl if that makes it any less sad.

 

edit: no, it does not.

lol

  On 3/17/2012 at 1:04 PM, beerwolf said:

  On 3/17/2012 at 12:37 PM, BCM said:

I generally don't enjoy going out any more. I just can't be fucked though...I prefer to just stay in, make tunes, listen to tunes, surf watmm...the usual stuff. I used to enjoy going raving and stuff but I can't be arsed with that either these days... I think it must be something to do with being over 30. my ideal "night out" these days is some pub grub in the early evening with my missus, maybe a couple of ales to go with that and then back home before 9pm, put a movie on and kick back... boring cunt lol.

 

Troooth. It can be quite liberating being over 30 though, just do what you want without feeling the need to keep everyone happy. Your ideal night out is the same as mine, few ales and a laugh with mates. Nowt spectacular. When the better weather comes I like beer gardens and bbq's. I don't feel the need to do anything more than that. I am going to Bloc 2012 and I could only be arsed with that since seeing the new live Squarepusher footage. Otherwise I'd rather be at home, scratching my nuts to the Analords and sipping a beer.

 

being over 30 gives you perspective. in your 20's you feel like a cunt failure if you're not out on friday AND saturday AND sunday night. in your 30's i certainly feel no pressure anymore. the pressure came from me. yeah i like going out but its not as important as it once felt. maybe being married makes a difference too.

i'm too evil. people might figure it out. but i have a conscience and immense guilt, so i just want to spare everyone from the trouble of getting to know me.

sounds like low self-esteem.

truth