Being socially awkward and uncomfortable

  On 3/16/2012 at 10:55 PM, Candiru said:

  On 3/16/2012 at 6:51 PM, fiznuthian said:

Lastly I want to throw this out there, just in case..

I only just recently this year gave up pornography altogether. Perhaps not for a healthy, socially prominent male, but for anyone else porn is a tricky thing..

I swear to god the shit reprograms the male brain to assume any and every girl you meet or contact is a potential fuckfest. For me, this was a HUGE mental obstacle and would send my heart racing a million miles an hour everytime I try to approach a girl. Since giving up the prons and jacking off much less often (without visual aid), I stopped fantasizing about girls and getting attached to them. I also have a LOT more testosterone rolling through my veins at any given time. This is just pure speculation though, and probably N=1. Just something to consider. Porn is a very, very strong visual stimulus.

 

I came (heh) to the same conclusion somewhat recently, and this is one of those things our generation will have to figure out. Jacking off to five tabs of youporn videos everyday will mess with the way your brain regulates dopamine. Your neural pathways will work the same way with any other kind of addiction. Where you would normally be getting your dopamine highs from social interaction, you're getting them from internet porn, so the need to connect with others seems much less appealing. I think A LOT of people have problems like this and much worse, but have no idea.

Jesus fucking christ this is it.. 100% it.

This might seem weird, but since giving up porn totally now I feel 800% more manly seemingly every day. Has this happened to anyone else?

I also made an effort to reduce how often I jack off.. only when it feels like an appropriate time. Oddly I find it so much easier to fantasize about girls in general, not hone in on any particular one..

I'm not sitting around thinking "God, Elysse I just wish so bad you'd let me fuck your pooper you're such a nice girl so awesome in every way but please let me fuck your pooper". then busting a nut and feeling shitty about it..

Who knows though.. Had read about the dopamine theory before, and it totally makes sense.

From my research on food and optimal human diet, I discovered that the hypothalamus is extremely important in regulating nutrient storage based on food reward. Highly palatable foods seem to override the checks and balances of this system. Hence the addictive nature of most refined, processed foods far gone from their whole form.

God damn if porn doesn't override my god damn dopamine receptors. It turns me into a crazed jerk-off marathoner constantly on the search for something more and more kinky.. Any of you guys watching porn on the reg ever get sick of the same old videos? Like, can barely get off to them sick of them? I think that's how I ended up discovering BDSM in the first place. And then femdom. And then WTF porn.

God damn what happened to me?

  On 3/16/2012 at 10:37 PM, Hoodie said:

  On 3/16/2012 at 9:59 PM, fiznuthian said:

  On 3/16/2012 at 9:06 PM, Hoodie said:

  On 3/16/2012 at 6:55 PM, fiznuthian said:

Do you guys actually prefer to be alone most of the time or is this a mindset you have adopted to rationalize your way out of going out?

I did this a LOT, borderline agoraphobic.. Can't really blame anyone but yourself, and sitting around saying "I just don't like any of these people" is a terrible attitude that will get you nowhere.

 

but i really don't like 90% of people. they talk about stupid topics that i don't care about and their ideas of fun are vastly different from mine.

 

i actually feel like it's disrespectful toward them when i feign interest, as well as degrading to myself. i don't like "faking" being nice or being interested in others. i did it all throughout high school because i was starved for friendship and it didn't get me anywhere. i'm much happier just being myself at social events or not going to them at all if i know the people there will be totally uninteresting individuals. i know that means i'll never have hundreds of friends or whatever, but i'd rather just have a couple of really cool ones.

 

Are you implying by "i actually feel like it's disrespectful toward them when i feign interest" that you have no interest in them at all?

It sounds like you are saying you are not a nice person, and by acting nice you are not displaying who you really are.

Why do you focus on this feature about yourself? You must have qualities other than being not nice or interested in other people. Have you considered that other people may find your qualities and strengths interesting? They may even want to explore, or share activities with you because of them. The "acting" that you describe is an exchange of query, and in reality most people do not take it very seriously. But the very act of engaging in a "small talk" where broad, open answer questions are exchanged, the two parties are subconsciously inviting each other into their domain. They're putting eachother into a state of vulnerability, stating who they are and allowing the other person to make judgements.

 

Perhaps that's what is so scary to a person with social anxiety? The idea that not everyone in this exchange will act kindly, or appreciate you. In fact some people will be mean to you when you thought your relationship with them was going well. Or others may display kindness, but secretly manipulate and use. The socially anxious person puts other people on a pedestal, assuming the other person will be "better" (for lack of better terms) than they are. I did this so fucking much its ridiculous. I didn't value myself. I assumed in any first-encounter that the other person had an edge on me somehow, or was more beautiful, or I was biased and forgot that hey, perhaps they struggle too?

I feel this sets you up for a crushing blow, when that other person finally reveals to you they just aren't interested..

 

That's right. That's the moment where:

- They don't find you interesting at all

- They find you annoying

- Your body language isn't inviting and they now know it

- Some might even think you're ugly

- They see you appear to be uninterested in them and become anxious themselves

- They're looking you in the eyes but you're staring anywhere else

- etc

 

This is the moment where you've failed, and failure hurts when you've done nothing to succeed anywhere else. This is what it feels like for me, personally, to have a social anxiety disorder. It was a belief system, where I would think "I want to..." instead of "I can" and "I will", and through confirmation bias set myself up for failure every time. I was working to make sure I had any other reason but me for why things never worked out.

That's why I can't stress enough that if you are a so called "socially awkward" person, you need to make yourself vulnerable and go out there and do things. People will show you they are interested.

Go exercise, go shop for food that is healthy for you, and step by step accomplish your goals. Make a web diagram or break down your plans on paper if you have to.

Ask people questions, then ask them more questions.

I swear to you that the more you improve and begin to take pride in yourself, the more you will find your interactions with other people more enjoyable. Source your own happiness and let everyone else contribute to it. You'll find by doing this people flock to you like sheep, wondering where your inner fire came from.

 

Oh and NO that giant room full of people is not thinking anything about you.

In fact, other than a few quick glances and passing idle thoughts, typically no one in the room could give a flying shit how intellectually stimulating, unique, or different you think you are. If you think you're so much more special or interesting than they are, you might need to check yourself.

 

i don't have social anxiety. i just don't like developing relationships with people who don't have the same interests as me. i feel it's a waste of time.

I see. Then perhaps my post does not apply to you at all. :)

Though may I ask.. Does this bother you at all? I mean, you are 100% content not developing relationships with people who are interested in other things? I guess if you feel this is a waste of time, and are completely okay with where you stand then you are all good and well!

But really dig deep here.. It's really easy to adopt a "fuck it" attitude with these kinds of things.

  On 3/16/2012 at 10:37 PM, Hoodie said:

  On 3/16/2012 at 9:59 PM, fiznuthian said:

  On 3/16/2012 at 9:06 PM, Hoodie said:

  On 3/16/2012 at 6:55 PM, fiznuthian said:

Do you guys actually prefer to be alone most of the time or is this a mindset you have adopted to rationalize your way out of going out?

I did this a LOT, borderline agoraphobic.. Can't really blame anyone but yourself, and sitting around saying "I just don't like any of these people" is a terrible attitude that will get you nowhere.

 

but i really don't like 90% of people. they talk about stupid topics that i don't care about and their ideas of fun are vastly different from mine.

 

i actually feel like it's disrespectful toward them when i feign interest, as well as degrading to myself. i don't like "faking" being nice or being interested in others. i did it all throughout high school because i was starved for friendship and it didn't get me anywhere. i'm much happier just being myself at social events or not going to them at all if i know the people there will be totally uninteresting individuals. i know that means i'll never have hundreds of friends or whatever, but i'd rather just have a couple of really cool ones.

 

Are you implying by "i actually feel like it's disrespectful toward them when i feign interest" that you have no interest in them at all?

It sounds like you are saying you are not a nice person, and by acting nice you are not displaying who you really are.

Why do you focus on this feature about yourself? You must have qualities other than being not nice or interested in other people. Have you considered that other people may find your qualities and strengths interesting? They may even want to explore, or share activities with you because of them. The "acting" that you describe is an exchange of query, and in reality most people do not take it very seriously. But the very act of engaging in a "small talk" where broad, open answer questions are exchanged, the two parties are subconsciously inviting each other into their domain. They're putting eachother into a state of vulnerability, stating who they are and allowing the other person to make judgements.

 

Perhaps that's what is so scary to a person with social anxiety? The idea that not everyone in this exchange will act kindly, or appreciate you. In fact some people will be mean to you when you thought your relationship with them was going well. Or others may display kindness, but secretly manipulate and use. The socially anxious person puts other people on a pedestal, assuming the other person will be "better" (for lack of better terms) than they are. I did this so fucking much its ridiculous. I didn't value myself. I assumed in any first-encounter that the other person had an edge on me somehow, or was more beautiful, or I was biased and forgot that hey, perhaps they struggle too?

I feel this sets you up for a crushing blow, when that other person finally reveals to you they just aren't interested..

 

That's right. That's the moment where:

- They don't find you interesting at all

- They find you annoying

- Your body language isn't inviting and they now know it

- Some might even think you're ugly

- They see you appear to be uninterested in them and become anxious themselves

- They're looking you in the eyes but you're staring anywhere else

- etc

 

This is the moment where you've failed, and failure hurts when you've done nothing to succeed anywhere else. This is what it feels like for me, personally, to have a social anxiety disorder. It was a belief system, where I would think "I want to..." instead of "I can" and "I will", and through confirmation bias set myself up for failure every time. I was working to make sure I had any other reason but me for why things never worked out.

That's why I can't stress enough that if you are a so called "socially awkward" person, you need to make yourself vulnerable and go out there and do things. People will show you they are interested.

Go exercise, go shop for food that is healthy for you, and step by step accomplish your goals. Make a web diagram or break down your plans on paper if you have to.

Ask people questions, then ask them more questions.

I swear to you that the more you improve and begin to take pride in yourself, the more you will find your interactions with other people more enjoyable. Source your own happiness and let everyone else contribute to it. You'll find by doing this people flock to you like sheep, wondering where your inner fire came from.

 

Oh and NO that giant room full of people is not thinking anything about you.

In fact, other than a few quick glances and passing idle thoughts, typically no one in the room could give a flying shit how intellectually stimulating, unique, or different you think you are. If you think you're so much more special or interesting than they are, you might need to check yourself.

 

i don't have social anxiety. i just don't like developing relationships with people who don't have the same interests as me. i feel it's a waste of time.

can take time to realise you do actually have similar interests to someone.

but i actually prefer developing relationships with people i don't share interests with, for the exposure to different sides of life. probably the most awkward conversations are with people i share interests with. not that that makes sense. maybe it's cause i read watmm too much, so i'm fed up with people talking about these things.

Lots of good stuff being said.

I like to have a few ideas in my head that help, and I have developed most of these over the course of a decade of spectacular failures at figuring this shit out while overthinking it at the same time. I really don't believe in self improvement or whatever you want to call it but I'm all for being a happier and more free person. So basically:

Face it, you're an uncertain, shivering wreck of an attempt at a human being, which is what a human being is, and who everybody else is around you. Some people really, really stick to their "act" and you're going to dislike these people if you're a freethinker, but once you get that that is their coping mechanism you'll have less of a problem with them and can play their act with them, if only for the fun of it. I think you will have to come to terms with some deeper questions about your identity and needs in life to be able to deal with the simpler stuff without too much headache.

Looking at the history of humans, a person that doesn't want to kill you is pretty much a blessing.

Throw the need for validation out the window. Will not help you one bit. For some reason people hate people who display too obviously that they just want to be liked and don't hide it through elaborate acts of financial or sports performance. A person that doesn't like you will be a person less to worry about. You might have to put yourself through that experience a few times to get that it's not as painful as it seems.

Put yourself through shit, like a shitty job, that makes you feel entitled just for enduring it. Speaking your mind will be childs play compared to it. So it's mostly an adaptation and perspective thing.

Social stuff is really not about words, thinking or anything like that. It's just a kind of natural call and response thing that happens best when you just let loose in the moment and don't worry too much about the persons particular interests.

Probably lots more to process before you get it but you have to examine the vicinity around you and realize everybody is just fucking nervous as shit but they're trying to convince themselves and thus everybody around them that they aren't, so they develop their personalities in accordance with established ideas of success. The funny thing is they're doing it without even thinking about it, and will be mighty pissed off if you even suggest the possibility of the idea that their very serious life is an act. But it's a key thing to figure out to be more okay with yourself. Just don't forget that your grand life is an act as well. Confidence is bullshit. Just have fun.

vital discussion.

maybe i drop my 2 cents.

What could be a problem (maybe I just have a wrong impression) is the idea of supremacy I read out in many arguments. Mostly being superior by being into "better" topics, or by understanding how the mob works, by being able to look behind the curtain like a sociologist. Although I don't think that seperation is a good base for getting happy, this method works good for me, from time to time. And one good thing about aging is, you start to lose interest in such things, and so do the others. sorry for my english

  On 3/16/2012 at 11:34 PM, tauboo said:

  On 3/16/2012 at 10:37 PM, Hoodie said:

don't like developing relationships with people who don't have the same interests as me. i feel it's a waste of time.

can take time to realise you do actually have similar interests to someone.

 

but i actually prefer developing relationships with people i don't share interests with, for the exposure to different sides of life. probably the most awkward conversations are with people i share interests with. not that that makes sense. maybe it's cause i read watmm too much, so i'm fed up with people talking about these things.

yes, yes and yes

also, feel the love

can i say at this point, in all sincerity

i just want to fuck everyone of y'all up the ass with a 10 foot stone hammer,

praise be to god

i may sound like a dick for this, but

you are reading into this way too much, hence the social anxiety. we all struggle here, brothas and sistas. its time to drop the realism and bring up the act. it is promised to bring action.

^^^ yes.

regardless of how confident people may seem in many situations, we are all human beings with confidence issues to some degree, or at the very least, unfathomable personal issues that make their way into our exchanges with other people.

all i can say is: relax. realize that whatever inconsequential conversation or exchange you have with somebody is not the end of the world, and if you make such a bad impression, who cares? you can either make a better impression the next time you talk to them, or they're not worth the trouble to worry about.

  On 3/17/2012 at 1:51 AM, Jaffa said:

can i say at this point, in all sincerity

 

 

i just want to fuck everyone of y'all up the ass with a 10 foot stone hammer,

 

 

praise be to god

Did we offend you?

or maybe this is more effective:

You think RDJ got his first poon by sitting in a corner and combing his burnt ass hair? Or maybe that he threw a 303 at a "bird's" head, knocking her out and thus preparing her for reception of the IDM messiah?

FUCK naw

  On 3/17/2012 at 2:30 AM, KY said:

^^^ yes.

 

regardless of how confident people may seem in many situations, we are all human beings with confidence issues to some degree, or at the very least, unfathomable personal issues that make their way into our exchanges with other people.

 

all i can say is: relax. realize that whatever inconsequential conversation or exchange you have with somebody is not the end of the world, and if you make such a bad impression, who cares? you can either make a better impression the next time you talk to them, or they're not worth the trouble to worry about.

i'm sure people with anxiety realize this. it's just that their negative thoughts and lack of self esteem overpower their rational side.

for example: i have terrible performance anxiety. even though i knew i had no reason to feel anxious and that it was a stupid overreaction, i would still get anxiety attacks when having to talk in front of groups. i tried breathing techniques, meditation, positive self-talk... the only thing that has helped me is medication (beta blockers are some magic stuff).

I love pussy

for a second i thought you said meditation

meditation does help me btw

and i have a shit job and have to hang out with those kinds of people you hate all the time

  On 3/17/2012 at 2:35 AM, Hoodie said:

  On 3/17/2012 at 2:30 AM, KY said:

^^^ yes.

 

regardless of how confident people may seem in many situations, we are all human beings with confidence issues to some degree, or at the very least, unfathomable personal issues that make their way into our exchanges with other people.

 

all i can say is: relax. realize that whatever inconsequential conversation or exchange you have with somebody is not the end of the world, and if you make such a bad impression, who cares? you can either make a better impression the next time you talk to them, or they're not worth the trouble to worry about.

 

i'm sure people with anxiety realize this. it's just that their negative thoughts and lack of self esteem overpower their rational side.

Totally true. I suppose the only way to fix it is to acquire some self-esteem somehow, or learn to how think positively.

you know how you acquire self-esteem? You convince yourself that you have it. This isn't some sort of Warcraft item.

jbc

  On 3/17/2012 at 2:57 AM, Cryptowen said:

jbc

oab

I like all the self-analysis going on here, but I think partly the problem with gigs and clubs is that they are just not very good places to actually have conversations. They are places that suit appearance-oriented people.

So if you don't like gigs and clubs don't worry about it too much. They are pretty crappy places.

I was always really awkward in gigs and clubs but as I've got older I've spent less time in them, and more time doing nicer things (dinner, museums etc) with smaller groups of people. Situations in which being able to string a coherent series of sentences together actually matters.

in summary: find the kind of socialising you actually like.

re: Small talk: Small talk has a valuable social function - its a way for us to reassure each other that we have some sort of baseline compatibility before the conversation heads off into more interesting areas. Its like a safety check before the real conversing begins. So dont begrudge it too much, but look for questions you could ask that would drive the conversation into more interesting areas. Ask lots of questions.

I can't help it, I love having a lot of time to myself. Where I currently live, most folk are very respectful of others peace & privacy. Back in Miami, anyone I saw stared me down with demonic eyes. And there were lots of them.

  On 3/17/2012 at 2:51 AM, Smettingham Rutherford IV said:

you know how you acquire self-esteem? You convince yourself that you have it. This isn't some sort of Warcraft item.

Eh.. I feel differently. Self-esteem seems to come secondary to personal successes.

What is there to feel good about yourself if you've done nothing to improve?

edit: err, nevermind.. Must have misread, you're saying the same thing really.

  On 3/17/2012 at 4:04 AM, fiznuthian said:

  On 3/17/2012 at 2:51 AM, Smettingham Rutherford IV said:

you know how you acquire self-esteem? You convince yourself that you have it. This isn't some sort of Warcraft item.

What is there to feel good about yourself if you've done nothing to improve?

This is the circular reasoning that guarantees that you remain in the state you are already in.

currently at club being socially awkward and uncomfortable. #yolo

and posting on watmm

brilliant