Fuck Michael Bay

i actually watched the whole film, the bit with vanilla ice made me cringe so hard i dislocated both my shoulders and my jaw.

THIS is all you need

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mwkuo7mG9wU

EDIT: Btw... how fucked up is it that Shredder gets fucking crushed in a garbage truck at the end of this movie?

TMNT movie leaked online...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=p2vYMD48kQo

These guys were into TMNT before getting back into TMNT was a thing again for the second time...

I really, really want to know what this woman will think of the new teenage turle movie:

I love this description of the new Transformers 4 trailer previewed to the press (from iO9):

  Quote

Transformers 4: Age of Extinction premiered a massive reel of brand new footage at CinemaCon, and what we saw was the Michael Bay-iest film ever made. It was seriously Michael Bay doing Michael Bay while exploding tiny jean shorts made out of an American Flag with indiscernible Transformers dancing around in the background. It was glorious.

When Michael Bay goes full Bayhem, it's kind of like watching a big, beautiful exploding drinking game. "Sepia tone shot, drink!" "Sunset, drink!" "360 degree Hero Shot, drink!" "Slow motion punch, drink!" "Twilight with a comet, drink!" "AMERICAN FLAG, FINISH YOUR DRINK!"

 

So I will freely and fully admit that after Mark Wahberg took the stage, went totally off-prompter and claimed that Transformers 4 will make the most money in 2014 (which it honestly could) I was ready to be Baysified. And what I saw delivered.

 

Paramount screened a massive chunk of their new action film, which starts off very much like the trailer they released not long ago—but with one early-on change: for a brief second there was a shot of a dinosaur. No, really! A very pretty, CG dinosaur pops up on screen, makes a dinosaur-like gurgle, and then disappears. Because Dinobots? Don't over think it.

And now we're in the present-day Texas. Mark Wahlberg, who is playing the character Cade Yeager (now THAT'S a name) rolls into his Texas farm house with a beat-up semi truck in tow. The semi is clearly the dead carcass of Optimus Prime, but they don't know that yet. Cade is greeted by his daughter Tessa (Nicola Peltz) and his partner Lucas (T.J. Miller). Commence comical banter. You see, Cade is a protective dad and is frustrated with Tessa's very short (exceedingly short) shorts. Don't worry, you get a great look at the tiny teen's shorts because a camera is placed on the ground behind her looking up at Cade's dismayed face. Fatherhood, you guys!

 

Everyone is mad because Cade spent his last 100 bucks on this beat-up old truck. But that's OK because he is an inventor and "all great inventors something something...your mother would be very proud of you." Dead mother, DRINK!.

I will openly admit that the humor in this movie is good. The beats are hilarious and watching Mark Wahlberg act like a loving dad worried about his daughter's legs is basically the Shakespeare of action movies and it never gets old. He even tells a laundry joke about her rapidly shrinking shorts, "cold water and air dry." It made my heart melt. Also, Cade protests that he isn't totally worthless as a father because he taught his daughter how to *insert car activity here* and how to "write a program," both of which we are sure will not become a pivotal plot point in the future ("It's a UNIX System! I know this!").

 

Moving on, Cade goes into his shop and tells the beat-up old car that it's "Judgement Day," and basically wakes up Optimus. Cue the Federal Agents in sick long, black trench coats with sunglasses and bad attitudes. They are being remotely ordered by Kelsey Grammer who hates Transformers. Hates them!

 

The Feds want Optimus Prime, but Cade isn't budging. Grammer says "use the girl," and of course, they throw her right over her little red painted wagon and hold a gun to her head—which really pisses off Optimus Prime. The Transformer bursts through the barn (which explodes) and starts fighting. The fight just gets completely out of control and then Tessa's BOYFRIEND shows up in a smart car with racing stickers and literally slow motion punches an agent in the face with the tire on his car. The agent slow motion spits. It is amazing.

Here's where things get interesting. The government agents pull out their very OWN Transformer, Galvatron. Back at the base there's a younger agent who appears to be piloting Galvatron via joystick. Galvatron is their puppet! Optimus and the piloted Transformer spar, and Optimus is losing. BUT THEN a giant fucking spaceship comes out of the sky.

Enter Lockdown, the Transformer whose face turns into a GIANT GUN, and he just starts blasting Optimus. Cade gets separated from his daughter and she and Optimus are caught in a robot net, which lifts them into the spaceship. Cade jumps onto the net and tries to hold on, but falls to the ground. In his sheer frustration, Cade slow-motion screams and PUNCHES THE GROUND.

 

The rest are all hyper cuts from the rest of the movie. Obviously, Cade has to go get his daughter and is reluctantly teamed up with her boyfriend, who doesn't have his respect AT ALL. The scenes jump across the globe. There is a pretty amazing chase scene between Cade and the lead FBI meany who is happens to be the Man in Black from Lost. They are scaling the side of (what appears to be) a Chinese apartment building and the FBI agent is just kicking air conditioning units free, toppling them onto Cade.

But the biggest takeaway wasn't all the American flags, the explosions, or even the Transformers. This particular chunk of footage focused mainly on the human story and the humor, and it really succeeds at humor. Stanley Tucci has a great moment where he flips out because he's ordered to hide inside a glass box; he's clearly going to be a ringer in this flick. Also, T.J. Miller has a few great scenes. But the best, the absolute best was when Cade careens a spaceship into a Bug Light truck and on top of some dude's car, destroying it. The man gets out and demands to see Cade's insurance, to which Cade responds, "Insurance? This is a spaceship!" He then slams open an aluminum can of Bud Light, drinks it, throws it at the car and yells, "Sweetie, get me my alien gun." EVERYONE FINISH THEIR DRINKS.

Just gonna put this here

I dont remember making this thread, i dont know why would i care about micahel bay making a ninja turtle movie.

  On 3/28/2014 at 12:35 PM, Squee said:

THIS is all you need

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mwkuo7mG9wU

 

 

EDIT: Btw... how fucked up is it that Shredder gets fucking crushed in a garbage truck at the end of this movie?

Quite. But it's fine I think. Most good kids films have slivers of disturbing and dark content, it's better than 90 minutes of purely delusional, unrealistic and hilariously mindless cartoon violence from the same era.

Like, how fucked up is it that no one in any manner gets killed in say, the animated series G.I. Joe?

:,( tmnt will never be the same

also

*Scottish accent*

KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOM

  On 3/28/2014 at 10:52 AM, MadameChaos said:

i actually watched the whole film, the bit with vanilla ice made me cringe so hard i dislocated both my shoulders and my jaw.

If you haven't seen it then you should really watch Cool As Ice. toplel all around.

"Drop that zero and get with the hero!"

  On 3/28/2014 at 8:40 PM, joshuatx said:

 

  On 3/28/2014 at 12:35 PM, Squee said:

THIS is all you need

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mwkuo7mG9wU

 

 

EDIT: Btw... how fucked up is it that Shredder gets fucking crushed in a garbage truck at the end of this movie?

 

Quite. But it's fine I think. Most good kids films have slivers of disturbing and dark content, it's better than 90 minutes of purely delusional, unrealistic and hilariously mindless cartoon violence from the same era.

 

Like, how fucked up is it that no one in any manner gets killed in say, the animated series G.I. Joe?

 

Oh man, don't get me wrong, I LOVED that scene when I was a kid. And the scene where he falls off the building... man... it just fascinates me and still does.

  On 3/27/2014 at 5:44 PM, apriorion said:

penis-pounding masterbation fury

it was friggin epic ass awesome to the max when splinter defeated shredder on that roof and shredder got all compacted

prob the best ending to any badass big kid movie ever

every red blooded boy got boners when that happened

i know i did

casey jones pullin that lever was p classic too, he was such a han solo all up in tmnt. movie had everything

part 2 was still OK and 3 should not be spoke of, but even as much as i hate to admit even THIS, the bay one has some chance of at least being better than that travesty. even tho those turtles look freakish. are they still gonna be from outer space, pretty much nullifying every word in the title describing what they are?

I MEAN SERIOUSLY LIKE FUCK MICHAEL BAY!

That io9 preview up there. Is that 100 % sarcasm or what? I seriously can't tell.

  On 3/29/2014 at 7:01 PM, Squee said:

 

  On 3/28/2014 at 8:40 PM, joshuatx said:

 

  On 3/28/2014 at 12:35 PM, Squee said:

THIS is all you need

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mwkuo7mG9wU

 

 

EDIT: Btw... how fucked up is it that Shredder gets fucking crushed in a garbage truck at the end of this movie?

 

Quite. But it's fine I think. Most good kids films have slivers of disturbing and dark content, it's better than 90 minutes of purely delusional, unrealistic and hilariously mindless cartoon violence from the same era.

 

Like, how fucked up is it that no one in any manner gets killed in say, the animated series G.I. Joe?

 

 

Oh man, don't get me wrong, I LOVED that scene when I was a kid. And the scene where he falls off the building... man... it just fascinates me and still does.

 

Also, when Casey Jones is like "OOOPPPPS"

  On 3/31/2014 at 3:53 PM, Squee said:

 

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

Fucking LOL - DAT FACE

  On 3/31/2014 at 5:53 PM, joshuatx said:

 

  On 3/29/2014 at 7:01 PM, Squee said:

 

  On 3/28/2014 at 8:40 PM, joshuatx said:

 

  On 3/28/2014 at 12:35 PM, Squee said:

THIS is all you need

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mwkuo7mG9wU

 

 

EDIT: Btw... how fucked up is it that Shredder gets fucking crushed in a garbage truck at the end of this movie?

 

Quite. But it's fine I think. Most good kids films have slivers of disturbing and dark content, it's better than 90 minutes of purely delusional, unrealistic and hilariously mindless cartoon violence from the same era.

 

Like, how fucked up is it that no one in any manner gets killed in say, the animated series G.I. Joe?

 

 

Oh man, don't get me wrong, I LOVED that scene when I was a kid. And the scene where he falls off the building... man... it just fascinates me and still does.

 

 

Also, when Casey Jones is like "OOOPPPPS"

 

*pops a boner*

Super-Shredder scared me as a kid:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtxMlQMqKE4

  On 3/31/2014 at 9:10 PM, Goiter Sanchez said:

Super-Shredder scared me as a kid:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MtxMlQMqKE4

I had just turned five when the movie came out, so a friend of the family took me and my sister to the movies to watch it. I was so fucking excited. Sure, Shredder digging himself out of the garbage was slightly disturbing, but I took it like a man. But when Tokka and Rahza started fucking around inside their metal cave made out of trash I freaked out and we had to leave. My sister was fucking pissed at me. Of course, I didn't tell my friends at the day care about the little incident, so I just pretended that I had watched the whole thing.

loved the 2 first movies as a kid but those new turtles look alright, what' the problem??

  On 3/31/2014 at 9:59 PM, Ivan Ooze said:

loved the 2 first movies as a kid but those new turtles look alright, what' the problem??

lol, 2 obvious?