Relationship Advice...

  On 1/15/2013 at 5:35 AM, vamos scorcho said:

why do the stupidest people have girlfriends

Vamos, you don't have a girlfriend?

...

lol

dunno how i feel about aromanticism. cuz on the onehand i kinda view romanticism itself as this performative construct, a cultural imperative that doesn't correspond to some objective universal truth or even to the totality of interesting possibilities for how to live a human life (life singular or in the context of exploring interpersonal dynamics). but the recent popular trend of aromanticism is just a second-level abstraction off of that. it isn't a return to a more open, undefined space of exploratory potentiality. rather, like so many contemporary deconstructions, it primarily defines itself in terms of what it negates rather than the spaces of potential it opens up. the aromantic 30something bears no concern for those antiquated institutions of yesteryear. he's got it figured out. he's focusing on himself, his career, his happiness. if he gets with someone its always on his terms. its a game. he's detached. he's proud of his commitment to lack of commitment. but always there remains this sense that he is a ruffian of sorts, a high plains drifter who moves in the shadows, scavenging sustinence from off the back of the cart like some kind of sexual raccoon

and yet when i'm being honest with myself i recognize that i feel nothing in these interpersonal zones. the appealing bits appeal to me like clouds appeal to me, like climbing hills, like burning palo santo. no desire for intricate connection. no desire to make known some inner self. no sense of an inner self. i don't want some fairytale vision of the past. i want further mutation

So... are they still together 8 years later?  This is important.

  On 3/14/2021 at 1:56 AM, Cryptowen said:

dunno how i feel about aromanticism. cuz on the onehand i kinda view romanticism itself as this performative construct, a cultural imperative that doesn't correspond to some objective universal truth or even to the totality of interesting possibilities for how to live a human life (life singular or in the context of exploring interpersonal dynamics). but the recent popular trend of aromanticism is just a second-level abstraction off of that. it isn't a return to a more open, undefined space of exploratory potentiality. rather, like so many contemporary deconstructions, it primarily defines itself in terms of what it negates rather than the spaces of potential it opens up. the aromantic 30something bears no concern for those antiquated institutions of yesteryear. he's got it figured out. he's focusing on himself, his career, his happiness. if he gets with someone its always on his terms. its a game. he's detached. he's proud of his commitment to lack of commitment. but always there remains this sense that he is a ruffian of sorts, a high plains drifter who moves in the shadows, scavenging sustinence from off the back of the cart like some kind of sexual raccoon

 

and yet when i'm being honest with myself i recognize that i feel nothing in these interpersonal zones. the appealing bits appeal to me like clouds appeal to me, like climbing hills, like burning palo santo. no desire for intricate connection. no desire to make known some inner self. no sense of an inner self. i don't want some fairytale vision of the past. i want further mutation

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Lol classic... google narcissism! One of its traits is inability to emotionally understand and emotionally invest in another human being, something that’s rationalized as a deliberate choice but it’s a pure intra and interpersonal disability combined with a fear of being “consumed” by another person. It’s one of dominant traits of majority of personality disorders but it can be found isolated in less severe neurotic disorders. The world is flooded with narcissism and it’s becoming a big problem.

Lol aromanticism #beautiful 

The thing about spending time on the internet, is that you get to meet other people who also spend time on the internet. In the meantime though, the people who learn to have real life relationships tend to spend their time on actual relationships. Real life relationships. Not those fake ones on the internet.

If you want to be good at relationships, you should stop taking cues from people you met on the internet. The internet is a huge pile of narcissistic shit. That's an exaggeration perhaps. But a lot of it is. Not all of it. 

It really is that simple though. I think it is, at least.

The amount of respect WATMM had back in the days.

Guy's got super lucky with potentially-not-a-bitch and instead of addressing God if he deserves it, he asks for WATMM's approval. And of course WATMM is like a devil, whispers contradicting thoughts and sows doubts.

Listen to internet advice that tells you not to listen to internet advice. Don't listen to internet advice. Don't listen to my advice.

  On 3/14/2021 at 12:02 PM, xox said:

google narcissism! 

Don't Google narcissism.

  On 3/14/2021 at 1:56 AM, Cryptowen said:

dunno how i feel about aromanticism. cuz on the onehand i kinda view romanticism itself as this performative construct, a cultural imperative that doesn't correspond to some objective universal truth or even to the totality of interesting possibilities for how to live a human life (life singular or in the context of exploring interpersonal dynamics). but the recent popular trend of aromanticism is just a second-level abstraction off of that. it isn't a return to a more open, undefined space of exploratory potentiality. rather, like so many contemporary deconstructions, it primarily defines itself in terms of what it negates rather than the spaces of potential it opens up. the aromantic 30something bears no concern for those antiquated institutions of yesteryear. he's got it figured out. he's focusing on himself, his career, his happiness. if he gets with someone its always on his terms. its a game. he's detached. he's proud of his commitment to lack of commitment. but always there remains this sense that he is a ruffian of sorts, a high plains drifter who moves in the shadows, scavenging sustinence from off the back of the cart like some kind of sexual raccoon

 

and yet when i'm being honest with myself i recognize that i feel nothing in these interpersonal zones. the appealing bits appeal to me like clouds appeal to me, like climbing hills, like burning palo santo. no desire for intricate connection. no desire to make known some inner self. no sense of an inner self. i don't want some fairytale vision of the past. i want further mutation

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i think contemporary liberal sexual and relationship trends have a distinct "gig economy" aspect imo tbqh

  On 3/14/2021 at 7:01 PM, Alcofribas said:

i think contemporary liberal sexual and relationship trends have a distinct "gig economy" aspect imo tbqh

that feels like a good way of putting it. honestly i've never had a "serious" relationship, ie live-in partner, talk of the long term future, shitting with the door open etc. I've had girlfriends but I always end up pulling the plug fairly early on. I dunno, it just always feels like there's this performative quality to it, like i'm just doing this to carry out some kind of standardized social function rather than because i actually want/need anything from the person (lol i realize this isn't helping to combat xox's charge of narcissism)

  On 3/14/2021 at 8:03 PM, Cryptowen said:

that feels like a good way of putting it. honestly i've never had a "serious" relationship, ie live-in partner, talk of the long term future, shitting with the door open etc. I've had girlfriends but I always end up pulling the plug fairly early on. I dunno, it just always feels like there's this performative quality to it, like i'm just doing this to carry out some kind of standardized social function rather than because i actually want/need anything from the person (lol i realize this isn't helping to combat xox's charge of narcissism)

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psychoanalysis was made up the government to control you

 

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well this is internet and i can't say that i know you really, but what i know about you, is that you're a lovely and smart person so don't take that remark about narcissism as me attaching you (i wasn't even talking about you directly, more about pandemic of narcissism with some examples how it can be masked), but pls, just think about it and try to see/understand your reasons for intellectualizations (''romanticism is a social construct''), fear of intimacy (''I always end up pulling the plug fairly early on'') and fear of control/lose of individualization and integration (''psychoanalysis was made up the government to control you''). the thing is that there's only so much that we can figure it out by ourselves alone. 

and you're wrong about psychoanalytic/psychodynamic theory/practice! (although, i'm not sure if you were sirius about it) imo humanity needs those theories/practices today more than ever!

  On 3/14/2021 at 8:03 PM, Cryptowen said:

that feels like a good way of putting it. honestly i've never had a "serious" relationship, ie live-in partner, talk of the long term future, shitting with the door open etc. I've had girlfriends but I always end up pulling the plug fairly early on. I dunno, it just always feels like there's this performative quality to it, like i'm just doing this to carry out some kind of standardized social function rather than because i actually want/need anything from the person (lol i realize this isn't helping to combat xox's charge of narcissism)

  Reveal hidden contents

psychoanalysis was made up the government to control you

 

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a couple of considerations. what you were describing rings true as a pervasive social type; this kind of self-culture where you focus on sculpting your self, your career, your body and in this context romance is just seen as a function of this, basically serving the same function as protein powder for the loins. there is also a more "progressive" variant in which dating is a vehicle of "polyamory" which is seen as a liberal, free love thing but which in my view is just a further commodified rehash of the 60s (this is all "then as farce" territory we're in here). but ultimately there's this growing trend for all things sex and dating to just follow the same basic trajectory as all things tech industry - you're not loyal to a brand but rather are the smart consumer picking and choosing the optimal products suiting your special requirements. and we must use the apps bc they are here to solve our problems and they're simply so efficient. 

but as for your other comments on being in "serious" relationships - those are your own personal experiences which aren't necessarily related to these social comments i'm making. for my part (SERIOUS POST INCOMING) i definitely have been in long-term relationships and now that i've been single for a few years i feel almost autistic, like i can't relate to people, it feels "fake" and like you say "performative" and like something i'm completely outside of in a strange way, even though i've had two very long cohabitating relationships (7 and 9 years). in this light what i'm experiencing is a feeling of solitude that i deeply crave at the feeling of almost an inexhaustible need but coupled with an almost overpowering sense of loneliness and alienation. and this puts me in a strange condition bc solitude is easy to achieve but it makes me feel more cut off in a way that seems sort of inhuman. so it's a kind of narcissistic condition but one that i don't necessarily desire. i'm exhausted by myself but i simply don't connect to other people anymore? idk...

i guess i'm some kind of #foreveralone incel now...but i don't even listen to squarepusher anymore. 

please do not attempt to own me for this post

one other little aspect of the "gig economy" comment. the flipside of this sort of aimless, casual dating thing is that i think the standards are basically plummeting in a way akin to the job market. sure, there is theoretically some advantage to being a freelancer or just having some take it or leave it work where you're not enslaved to your cubicle 40hrs a week until the grave. but look at how shitty the actual conditions are for so many people. i will prob never use "the apps" but i have heard a lot of stories from people that are like the dating equivalent of "you're not my employee so you don't get any of the perks other than your shitty paycheck." people really be pissing in empty mountain dew bottles in their delivery trucks bc they're not actual workers. reminds me of my first girlfriend in high school who was like permanently traumatized after dating a guy for a year who would only ever call her "his girl" and not his "girlfriend" lol. 

i watch a little bit of tik tok - the teens fascinate me. and so much of what i see is a combination of "just want to get my pussy railed by spongebob" with "i am the most depressed person in existence." this is dating, to me.

who cares if you're narcissistic? as long as you're not actively hurting anybody. it's not like there's a god and an afterlife afaik so y'all do your thing and enjoy. smoke trees and shit

also psychoanalysis is horseshit  lol

  On 3/14/2021 at 9:06 PM, brian trageskin said:

who cares if you're narcissistic? as long as you're not actively hurting anybody. it's not like there's a god and an afterlife afaik so y'all do your thing and enjoy. smoke trees and shit

unrelated to his issues.... the problem is that a narcissistic persons suffer a lot! narcissism is nothing but a compensation and attempt to save a psyche from worse identity disintegrations (it's a form of lack of integration)

What discussions did I start with my deleted comment lol

  On 3/14/2021 at 9:11 PM, xox said:

unrelated to his issues.... the problem is that a narcissistic persons suffer a lot! narcissism is nothing but a compensation and attempt to save a psyche from worse identity disintegrations

oh ok. i know nothing about psychology and all that

but my guess is being narcissistic won't damage your mental health if you have it together, if you're brave and proactive. if not, you're fucked man, you're me. lol

  On 3/14/2021 at 9:16 PM, thumbass said:

What discussions did I start with my deleted comment lol

A cautionary tale of the hazards of bumping ancient threads.  Bump carefully folks 

Marrige is such a love killer... It really makes you a husband and wife couple and the expectations is over your shoulders. 

  On 3/14/2021 at 9:26 PM, brian trageskin said:

 

oh ok. i know nothing about psychology and all that

but my guess is being narcissistic won't damage your mental health if you have it together, if you're brave and proactive. if not, you're fucked man, you're me. lol

 lol well no prob

the problem is that a person is narcissistic when/if the person DOESN'T ''have it together''. being really ''brave and proactive'' (not as a grandiose fantasy or compensation) is probably just being brave and proactive and probably just having a healthy levels of normal (non-pathological) narcissism, that's a desirable trait of every normal healthy person, it feeds us and it makes us being better people, for ourselves and others.

pathological narcissism is something totally different, and a very problematic trait, firstly for that person but also for others. then, there are diff forms of pathological narcissism like grandiose or vulnerable ... 

  On 3/14/2021 at 8:34 PM, Alcofribas said:

 

there is also a more "progressive" variant in which dating is a vehicle of "polyamory" which is seen as a liberal, free love thing but which in my view is just a further commodified rehash of the 60s (this is all "then as farce" territory we're in here). but ultimately there's this growing trend for all things sex and dating to just follow the same basic trajectory as all things tech industry - you're not loyal to a brand but rather are the smart consumer picking and choosing the optimal products suiting your special requirements. and we must use the apps bc they are here to solve our problems and they're simply so efficient. 

 

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Ha, very well put.  App life is bizarre for a lot of reasons, most notably that every "date" is almost more like a job application.  You know you're just one among several different interviewees.  For women it's much worse, as you're more concerned with figuring out who's a sexual predator and who's safe.  For guys, rejection is really the worst thing you have to worry about, for women it's getting raped.  I've been really disturbed by it after all the convos I've had with various women using bumble/tinder.  I've always had a reasonably bleak view of humanity, but its become a lot darker thanks to the internet dating scene.

  On 3/14/2021 at 10:00 PM, Zephyr_Nova said:

I've always had a reasonably bleak view of humanity, but its become a lot darker thanks to the internet dating scene.

Yah this resonates. I've always stayed far away from dating sites (and social media, and actively promoting my music) because that's been my perception of it (given weight by any actual interactions I've had) - this generally unpleasant, artificial thing which you engage with hoping for some kind of distinctly "human" experience, but generally all it serves to do is to make you weary of the human experience more broadly.

I should point out that i don't feel particularly down about not pursuing serious relationships. I've always been someone who feels quite comfortable being alone. Obviously my ideal wouldn't be a hermit my whole life, to just passively watch the world go by. But so much of the social landscape as its been presented to me just feels like a half measure -dating, "hanging out", playing shows, going to restaurants, etc. None of it feels like it carries any weight to me. If I'm going to interact with the world I feel like I want to be contributing my energy to something that actually has transformative potential. I don't know what that looks like. I've just never been terribly interested in having fun.

I guess what i'm trying to say is that all my life I was told that eventually I'd find my place in society, I'd find a comfortable spot to settle down. But the older I get the more it feels like the opposite is occuring - "society" as it current exists feels like something increasingly alien being imposed upon me, which I must actively resist.  And I feel like I'm far from the only person under 50 who feels that way.

  On 3/14/2021 at 10:00 PM, Zephyr_Nova said:

For guys, rejection is really the worst thing you have to worry about

Well, it's not much fun when a woman starts to stalk you on the streets and threatens to kill you if they see you with other women. But granted it doesn't happen that often, luckily..