So today

My friends and family are here, and they have been so supportive its unbelievable, but they can never understand like another addict can, and when midnight comes, not many people are awake for me to talk to, some people would say go to bed, but I cannot sleep. I don't rely on watmm for support, I have all of my support during the day, I ring people, I pray I meditate, I am following the programme, I have frequent contact with my sponsor, I go to meetings regularly, and I'm talking about I feel. But it's not going, and tonight is even worse, again.

WATMM is however extremely supportive, and there are people on here who understand so sometimes at 12,1,2,3 o clock in the morning, this place really helps.

Thankyou :).

*orders two cranberry juices*

Tonight meaning the last 24 hours guys, posting dates a little fucked.

You should become an instructor at this gym:

http://www.gymbox.co.uk/chav_fighting_class.php

Thats an lol^^.

  chax said:

abusivegeorge are you in therapy? if what you said in thread is actually true then you need serious help and shouldn't be only relying on an internet forum for support. where are your friends/family?

read the rules

Same again today, but I'm not picking up the drink, I've also had no contact with the missus who seems to be either avoiding me or has gone missing, so things are even shitter. Hopefully things get better before the weekend, or I fear the worst.

Jazzercise man!

It's exercising to Jazz!

It works for everyone cept Vince Noir (immune to Jazz)....

or the 5htp and/or GABA supplements....

they seriously help man...

ask yer Doc...

this natural supplement add was brought to you by The Pink Bunny

I am trying mate. Booked a doctors appointment, earliest I could get is Tuesday.

well, just keep posting in this thread til then....

and from my own experience, most docs will not support the natural homeopathic approach, they usually want to prescribe anti-depressants.....

which I tried at one point in my life and I didn't like the way they made me feel, diminished sex drive and numb emotionally, helps some people though but they weren't for me...

so I tried what I have been suggesting to you and they worked without any side effects, made me feel better about life in general, so I guess what I am saying is to ask the doc if you can take the natural stuff not if thinks you should.....

they usually say no, why don't you take something I prescribe you instead...

which is fine but they do not know all and you need to non-dependent on anything, most of the the natural stuff isn't habit forming.....

we love you george!

Thanks Atop, you're a legend mate, I'm definetly going to ask about 5htp and GABA and my GP knows fully well that I refuse to take any mind altering medication. I'm going to ride this out as best I can, but losing contact with the missus it's whats really doing it right now! What was it Sneaky said? Lol, fuck.

It's going to take time. You probably haven't been sober long enough to make significant and sustained changes in your life. But once you make those changes, you'll start to feel better about yourself and the emptiness will give way to enthusiasm and self-determination. But I think you have to bootstrap it. You can't like yourself until there's something to like about yourself. Involve yourself with as many positive/social/creative things as you can. Now's the time to pick up hobbies and spend time with friends, old and new. Don't give up if you don't see the results you wanted. You won't wake up one day and have your opinion of yourself magically change. You gotta work on it.

i absolutely agree with atop, you need to be on anti-depressants. i've been on paxil in the past, i'd recommend that

Sorry if I missed this earlier, but have you tried antidepressants? If so, what didn't you like about them? I know they're not for everyone, but they can be a godsend for some.

The thing with anti-depresants, is that they interfere with getting in touch with emotions and feelings, and this will seriously impact my 12 step recovery programme, if I'm to do this properly I need to go through it completely clean of anything. I'm the type of alcoholic that if I don't do this programme 100% completely free of any altered thought processes, then I will just continue to drink and die.

I come across quite composed, but actually I'm really fucked and right now my worst fear is that my gf has left me, so I guess this is the fear of rejection and abandonment, and that hole is huge in me right now, my stomach has flipped and dropped, and my head is telling me things that it didn't even tell me when I was drinking.

I am talking about it with my sposnosr, I am attending meetings, I am sharing in the meetings, I am attending my group therapy and sharing in group therapy, I am praying and I am meditating, and its getting considerably worse. These feelins were coming on a while ago and I've spent the weekend with my gf since then, so it's a completel build up of things and those things just keep coming.

  chax said:

i absolutely agree with atop, you need to be on anti-depressants. i've been on paxil in the past, i'd recommend that

I didn't say that man....I said do the natural stuff not the anti-depressants...but if it works for you then keep it up

And george, shit man! I didn't know you weren't speaking with your girl...

Well just keep in mind that we are here for ya and that after you get through this, which you will, there will be lots of good things waiting for you....a good mindset does wonders for anyone

Chloe might be going through some shitty feelings of her own, I bet she is...

Sorry to hear that man...

I realise most of it, is just my head making it up, with regards to my gf, shes probably gone out and got pissed or something and just forgotten her fone (for 2 days). The death of two friends and has just made me think "well fuck it, life is actually a cunt, why not have a drink". My head is very sick, and my 10% of me is working overtime to tell the other 90% of me to shut the fuck. I hope what my head is telling me is not true, but I'm starting to believe it is, in the same way that I used to believe my own lies when I was drinking.

I don't want to bring anything on Chloe, she posts on here and I love her, if anything is the problem, then I will have to deal with that. I just hope that she is ok.

so so sorry man....

kick the shit out of that 90%!

maybe go to a park when it is light outside and not raining and do some meditating/praying in that environment...

helps me, shit I am going to take my own advice right now, I will say some words for you brother....

I've tried that too mate nothing is helping, honestly.

Thanks Atop, pray for me mate.

good for you man !

do you write music? you should do that and head over to ekt

I dont write music mate, don't know the first thing about it, I've made some "tunes" on an old synth thingy I have on the comp, but never saved anything I've made and its just been rubbish. My main influence here was LUDD.

  abusivegeorge said:

The thing with anti-depresants, is that they interfere with getting in touch with emotions and feelings, and this will seriously impact my 12 step recovery programme, if I'm to do this properly I need to go through it completely clean of anything. I'm the type of alcoholic that if I don't do this programme 100% completely free of any altered thought processes, then I will just continue to drink and die.

I know it's not like this for everyone, but most antidepressants don't put me out of touch with my emotions. They just let me cope with things in a more productive way. Getting dumped when I was off Prozac was especially tough for me. I was overly sensitive about everything. I doubted my character, my intelligence, my looks. I convinced myself that I wasn't worth loving and that I'd die alone. I was even planning for my solitary life 30 years down the road. I drank a lot and stayed in my apartment. Totally fucked up in school.

When I got dumped while on Prozac, things were much different. I still had doubts about myself. Everyone does. But instead of letting them sink me, I was able to stay calm and use them to my advantage. I never hated myself or freaked out about dying alone. I was just sad about this particular situation not working out. I didn't lose interest in all of my hobbies this time, so I didn't have a ton of free time to dwell on it. I was able to look back at the relationship and come to sensible conclusions about what I could've done better, or how I could've been a more attractive partner. Then I worked on those things.

That's just one example of how antidepressants help me. Generally speaking, they don't make me numb; they just give me the ability to cope with things that would otherwise drag me down. There's also evidence that SSRIs can help cut down alcohol cravings. I'm not trying to push this on you. I just don't want you to rule out something that might help.

  abusivegeorge said:

I come across quite composed, but actually I'm really fucked and right now my worst fear is that my gf has left me, so I guess this is the fear of rejection and abandonment, and that hole is huge in me right now, my stomach has flipped and dropped, and my head is telling me things that it didn't even tell me when I was drinking.

 

I am talking about it with my sposnosr, I am attending meetings, I am sharing in the meetings, I am attending my group therapy and sharing in group therapy, I am praying and I am meditating, and its getting considerably worse. These feelins were coming on a while ago and I've spent the weekend with my gf since then, so it's a completel build up of things and those things just keep coming.

Don't assume the worst. And if she is pulling away from you a little bit, you probably know why she's doing it. She might need some space throughout all of this. It's probably a really intense situation for both of you. And if you needed any other external incentive to work on yourself, she's it.

Keep going dude. We're pulling for you.

Shes the only reason I'm still sober, or at least thats what I'm telling myself, I don't even have alcohol cravings, it's just that I don't know where my mind is going to take me next, or how much more of this mental/emotional pain I can actually sit through before becoming suicidal, I'm hanging by a thread.

Big shout out to Iain (not C) who came down and took me out till 2 am in the morning, and kept me sober last night also).

I appreciate she is going through hard times herself, but I also appreciate that a quick text to say "I'm dissappering for a few days, love you" takes less than 30 seconds. Again I don't want to bring anything on her, she posts here and I love her, her stuff is her stuff, unfortunately I just can't deal with it. I don't even care if shes left me I just need to know, as long as I know where I stand I'll be fine.

But thats only one of the issues, agreed it's the icing on the cake for me, but theres other stuff, like my liver is a constant anxiety worry for me, everyday is a struggle to find energy, as I mentioned earlier I've lost two friends recently, one of them was a woman from my treatment centre. People are dropping like flies around me, and I'm getting a lot of guilt and shame around my past, it's all hitting me at once, and it's totally fucking me.

Another thing that gets me, is that she also hapenned to browse the internet 8 minutes ago, and I have no idea where she is.

Homey, make sure you keep that doctors appointment. My sincere advise is that you give depression meds a try. What do you have to lose? If you plunge all the way down and kill yourself, there won't be a George left to "stay in touch with his emotions."

Feel free to ask me anything about psychiatric treatment. Pros, cons, side-effects, drug interactions, whatever. They might help more than you can imagine.

Thanks ms-dos, I'm a bit fucked for thinking at the moment, but I'll let you know if I need some help :).