in-laws

i call them my outlaws. i get on great with them but they are pretty nuts. they've never been on holiday since my other half was a baby cos mum outlaw has loads of issues. she can't go on the motorway in the car or she'll freak out so you have to drive only back roads and she tells you to slow down all the time. she's uptight and can't relax in any situation anywhere other than in her own house. she doesn't drink apart from at christmas when she gets wasted on chocolate liquers, so her attitude to social drinking is stuffy. she has an unnaturally massive chest which my gf has not inherited thankfully. my dad outlaw isn't really allowed to drink but i like to get him drunk so he starts swearing and telling me to fuck off and punching me in the arm. he tells me how to do everything all the time almost to the point of bullying but i still like him cos i find it funny. like ahead said, he gives me advice on diy when his house is full of slap-dash botch-up jobs. he's obsessed with road maps and tells me the quickest and best way to drive everywhere and always asks which way i drove somewhere then tells me the way i should have gone. i play golf with him and he tells me what club to use and how to stand and everything while i'm trying to play my shot.

My girlfriends mother always just gets me blind drunk on wine, they drink so much and its impossible to say no, her dad would probably throw me out if I declined. She puts the bottles in a wine cooler jacket thing so you can't see how much is in there or which bottle it is, and I've seen her quickly putting in full bottles when I go to the toilet or something, she also definitely fills my glass when I'm not looking on purpose. The first time I properly met them I was a bit nervous anyway and I thought I'd had about 3 glasses of wine but between four of us we'd had 7 bottles and I was trolleyed. My girlfriend was pissed too and when we went to bed we had a ridiculous argument and I left her crying on the staircase and walked out. What a complete cunt I must have looked.WASNT MY FAULT THOUGH

  On 7/28/2011 at 10:58 AM, keltoi said:

he's obsessed with road maps and tells me the quickest and best way to drive everywhere and always asks which way i drove somewhere then tells me the way i should have gone. i play golf with him and he tells me what club to use and how to stand and everything while i'm trying to play my shot.

lol these are true for me too. telling me how to golf always cracked me up. the first time we went together I beat him by almost 70 (yes 70) strokes and he is still giving me pointers. I used to not want to drink as much on the course because he is allowed 1 beer golfing by his wife and I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. now I'm usually pretty ripped by the 8th hole.

coalbucket are they Italian?

  On 7/28/2011 at 11:17 AM, jules said:

  On 7/28/2011 at 10:58 AM, keltoi said:

he's obsessed with road maps and tells me the quickest and best way to drive everywhere and always asks which way i drove somewhere then tells me the way i should have gone. i play golf with him and he tells me what club to use and how to stand and everything while i'm trying to play my shot.

 

lol these are true for me too. telling me how to golf always cracked me up. the first time we went together I beat him by almost 70 (yes 70) strokes and he is still giving me pointers. I used to not want to drink as much on the course because he is allowed 1 beer golfing by his wife and I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. now I'm usually pretty ripped by the 8th hole.

you drink while you play? awesome. don't think that happens here much. we wait til we get to the clubhouse.

to be fair he plays off 7 handicap or something so he probably thinks he's helping, but i'm just getting back into it after not playing since my teenage years, and i'm ok, know what i'm doing.

last time i played him we were on the green and while i waited for him to putt, i lit up a cigarette. when it was my turn i lay the cig on the ground next to me while i played, he nonchalantly walked passed and stepped on it and crushed it to smithereens claiming he didn't see it. i know he did.

we played this hole which is a short par 3 but it drops way down into a deep gully so it's tricky. a couple of his mates were playing ahead of us, teeing up for the next hole at the side of the green we're playing to... he plays first and misses the green, then i drop my tee shot 2 feet from the hole. later when we catch up with his mates they say how nice a tee-shot that was back there and the old man claims dead-pan that it was him! funny.

my sister-outlaw's man is a BIG lad. 6 foot 6 and easily 28-30 stone. my dad-outlaw makes fatist remarks to me all the time about him and called him gary for the first couple of years they were together. his name's barry. barry came golfing with us once and D.O. kept telling him the exercise would do him good, then asking him if he needed a rest or if he'd like to call it a day when we were only a few holes round. he did look like he was about to have a heart attack and don't think he'll ever play golf with us again. i know dad-outlaw likes barry alot, he's just a bit old-school when it comes to overweight people cos he grew up in a poor family of 12 and was lucky if he got anything to eat half the time.

i will say though, my outlaws are actually pretty great. i've known them for a loooong time now and they treat me like their own. i get on especially well with my dad-outlaw cos i think he always wanted a son. they're amazing with my daughter. apart from the fact that my mum-outlaw thinks she's going to dress my daughter in like victorian frilly dresses and teach her to say prayers whenever they look after her. not going to happen!

  On 7/28/2011 at 1:10 PM, keltoi said:

  On 7/28/2011 at 11:17 AM, jules said:

  On 7/28/2011 at 10:58 AM, keltoi said:

he's obsessed with road maps and tells me the quickest and best way to drive everywhere and always asks which way i drove somewhere then tells me the way i should have gone. i play golf with him and he tells me what club to use and how to stand and everything while i'm trying to play my shot.

 

lol these are true for me too. telling me how to golf always cracked me up. the first time we went together I beat him by almost 70 (yes 70) strokes and he is still giving me pointers. I used to not want to drink as much on the course because he is allowed 1 beer golfing by his wife and I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. now I'm usually pretty ripped by the 8th hole.

 

you drink while you play? awesome. don't think that happens here much. we wait til we get to the clubhouse.

 

 

oh yes, you can find me and my homies easily because our golf bags have a trail of water dripping out from the ice melting. we usually drink and gamble pretty heavily on the course. i usually play best between beers 2 and 8.

my mother-in-law is watching my son today. she is kind of a busy-body in which she always wants to help us by doing something (which is nice) but she will usually pick the wrong things. for example, this morning i got out of the shower and she was already in our bedroom folding laundry, including my underpants.

  On 7/28/2011 at 2:01 PM, jules said:

  On 7/28/2011 at 1:10 PM, keltoi said:

  On 7/28/2011 at 11:17 AM, jules said:

  On 7/28/2011 at 10:58 AM, keltoi said:

he's obsessed with road maps and tells me the quickest and best way to drive everywhere and always asks which way i drove somewhere then tells me the way i should have gone. i play golf with him and he tells me what club to use and how to stand and everything while i'm trying to play my shot.

 

lol these are true for me too. telling me how to golf always cracked me up. the first time we went together I beat him by almost 70 (yes 70) strokes and he is still giving me pointers. I used to not want to drink as much on the course because he is allowed 1 beer golfing by his wife and I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. now I'm usually pretty ripped by the 8th hole.

 

you drink while you play? awesome. don't think that happens here much. we wait til we get to the clubhouse.

 

 

 

oh yes, you can find me and my homies easily because our golf bags have a trail of water dripping out from the ice melting. we usually drink and gamble pretty heavily on the course. i usually play best between beers 2 and 8.

 

 

my mother-in-law is watching my son today. she is kind of a busy-body in which she always wants to help us by doing something (which is nice) but she will usually pick the wrong things. for example, this morning i got out of the shower and she was already in our bedroom folding laundry, including my underpants.

sounds like i'd enjoy a round with you like that.

and lol. you should have asked her to help towel you dry.

  On 7/28/2011 at 11:17 AM, jules said:

 

coalbucket are they Italian?

No but her ma was formerly married to a greek and lived there for many years which may be where she got her taste for lamb, excessive wine consumption and financial ineptitude.

She also punched a police woman in the face a couple of months ago but I'm happy to treat that whole event as celebration of women's lib.

this thread is AWESOME, i only wish i had something worthy to contribute but as a current singleton.. keep 'em coming!

  On 7/28/2011 at 2:16 PM, keltoi said:

  On 7/28/2011 at 2:01 PM, jules said:

  On 7/28/2011 at 1:10 PM, keltoi said:

  On 7/28/2011 at 11:17 AM, jules said:

  On 7/28/2011 at 10:58 AM, keltoi said:

he's obsessed with road maps and tells me the quickest and best way to drive everywhere and always asks which way i drove somewhere then tells me the way i should have gone. i play golf with him and he tells me what club to use and how to stand and everything while i'm trying to play my shot.

 

lol these are true for me too. telling me how to golf always cracked me up. the first time we went together I beat him by almost 70 (yes 70) strokes and he is still giving me pointers. I used to not want to drink as much on the course because he is allowed 1 beer golfing by his wife and I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. now I'm usually pretty ripped by the 8th hole.

 

you drink while you play? awesome. don't think that happens here much. we wait til we get to the clubhouse.

 

 

 

oh yes, you can find me and my homies easily because our golf bags have a trail of water dripping out from the ice melting. we usually drink and gamble pretty heavily on the course. i usually play best between beers 2 and 8.

 

 

my mother-in-law is watching my son today. she is kind of a busy-body in which she always wants to help us by doing something (which is nice) but she will usually pick the wrong things. for example, this morning i got out of the shower and she was already in our bedroom folding laundry, including my underpants.

 

sounds like i'd enjoy a round with you like that.

 

and lol. you should have asked her to help towel you dry.

you are more than welcome anytime you get to the us and a to join us. i would love nothing more than to play teams against my boys and pull out the scottish ringer on my squad to take home some cash for the day.

as for my mother-in-law toweling me dry, well...im not sure what i think of that actually.

you'd lose all your money man. i'm so insconsistent. equal moments of brilliance and shit.

Can I moan about my family from my other half? He suffers my father. No man should have to suffer that idiot.

  On 7/28/2011 at 3:20 PM, keltoi said:

you'd lose all your money man. i'm so insconsistent. equal moments of brilliance and shit.

yea me too, if we had opposite bad holes, we could clean up though. it would be fun either way. it would probably take me 8 beers to understand your accent anyway.

another thing my mother-in-law does is constantly bring us tons of food like we can't grocery shop. but we couldn't possibly eat what she brings. we are 2 people and she will bring 5 pounds of marinated steak, so i cant even freeze it. i guess this counts as first world problems too? damn it, i always have to throw out pounds of meat!

  On 7/28/2011 at 3:11 AM, Rambo said:

  On 7/28/2011 at 12:38 AM, Fred McGriff said:

also, my dad offered her a glass of wine when we had all our family in town at the same time for the birth of our daughter, and she accepted, and then i caught her dumping it down the sink. i mean come on. just decline the wine. ARGH.

 

lol!

 

rook returns

rook's back from Malaysia!

technically not in-laws but my baby mama's mom, is like Calvinist or something. She always announces her sacrifices. For instance, when sitting down for dinner, she will say, "I'd really love to have a big slice of steak but I think I'll be good and just have half of one." Passively agressively implicating everyone who doesn't have a half piece. It drives me nuts. "I'd really love to have another glass of wine..." meanwhilst, I'm on my fifth glass.

ha. i'd need 8 beers to numb the pain in my hand from all the high fiving you'd force me to do.

edit- jules.

  On 7/28/2011 at 3:53 PM, keltoi said:

ha. i'd need 8 beers to numb the pain in my hand from all the high fiving you'd force me to do.

 

edit- jules.

instead of high-fiving i could just slap you on the ass all day if you prefer.

and we usually have a flask of jameson's as well. great on colder fall days of golf.

  On 7/28/2011 at 4:58 PM, jules said:

  On 7/28/2011 at 3:53 PM, keltoi said:

ha. i'd need 8 beers to numb the pain in my hand from all the high fiving you'd force me to do.

 

edit- jules.

 

instead of high-fiving i could just slap you on the ass all day if you prefer.

 

this on the way out, and we can dick-joust on the back 9.

it is morning now. she is in the dining room quietly staring out the window! she does this all the time!

in my kitchen, i have pots, nice pots. pots with lids. she refuses to use the lids!! she puts paper towels over the pots!! ghettofying my kitchen!

paper towels? how does that work?

she just places a paper towel over it to cover it instead of a lid.

also, yes, all kinds of fruit shows up in our house, promptly rots after she leaves, and then gets pitched.

"Fred, I am sorry I have for put you mierda wine. Okay¿¿¿

I honor la niña pour more glass into you. Cheers¡¡"

  On 7/28/2011 at 5:01 PM, keltoi said:

  On 7/28/2011 at 4:58 PM, jules said:

  On 7/28/2011 at 3:53 PM, keltoi said:

ha. i'd need 8 beers to numb the pain in my hand from all the high fiving you'd force me to do.

 

edit- jules.

 

instead of high-fiving i could just slap you on the ass all day if you prefer.

 

 

this on the way out, and we can dick-joust on the back 9.

since we broke out into golf talk ITT, have you seen the informercial for hammer x? it comes on every morning here after the dan patrick show. it's on my TV right now. the intro is fucking incredible:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYI0bPnvzOY&feature=related

  On 7/28/2011 at 10:58 AM, keltoi said:

i call them my outlaws. i get on great with them but they are pretty nuts. they've never been on holiday since my other half was a baby cos mum outlaw has loads of issues. she can't go on the motorway in the car or she'll freak out so you have to drive only back roads and she tells you to slow down all the time. she's uptight and can't relax in any situation anywhere other than in her own house. she doesn't drink apart from at christmas when she gets wasted on chocolate liquers, so her attitude to social drinking is stuffy. she has an unnaturally massive chest which my gf has not inherited thankfully. my dad outlaw isn't really allowed to drink but i like to get him drunk so he starts swearing and telling me to fuck off and punching me in the arm. he tells me how to do everything all the time almost to the point of bullying but i still like him cos i find it funny. like ahead said, he gives me advice on diy when his house is full of slap-dash botch-up jobs. he's obsessed with road maps and tells me the quickest and best way to drive everywhere and always asks which way i drove somewhere then tells me the way i should have gone. i play golf with him and he tells me what club to use and how to stand and everything while i'm trying to play my shot.

You sound like you're married to my sister ;)

  On 7/28/2011 at 5:38 PM, Fred McGriff said:

it is morning now. she is in the dining room quietly staring out the window! she does this all the time!

Fred! has she brought over weird presents and cheesy baby clothing yet? my inlaws excel at bringing shit they find at yard sales that they look at and say "WTF is this?". And the clothes we normally throw out when they leave.

  On 7/28/2011 at 6:21 PM, asymmetrical head said:

 

 

Fred! has she brought over weird presents and cheesy baby clothing yet? my inlaws excel at bringing shit they find at yard sales that they look at and say "WTF is this?". And the clothes we normally throw out when they leave.

the baby clothing we haven't had issues with. lots of it but it's all decent. but the yard sale shit and all the trinkets! that's another thing. she buys so much crap from yard sales and dollar stores! and little trinkets for my wife. i have total creative control over the way the house looks. everything must be approved by me if it is to be displayed in our house, and i have no problems taking it immediately down into the basement if i don't like it.

i just now went into the kitchen to make a bagel, and there was a dirty diaper just balled up and casually hanging out on the countertop. throw that shit away man!

  On 7/28/2011 at 6:05 PM, Fred McGriff said:

 

since we broke out into golf talk ITT, have you seen the informercial for hammer x? it comes on every morning here after the dan patrick show. it's on my TV right now. the intro is fucking incredible:

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IYI0bPnvzOY&feature=related

YEAH! Makes you want to suck his dick doesn't it? I mean it makes you want to buy it.