Help me respond to this dude that emailed me who thinks im someone else

So here it is, someone clean this up or something. I copypasted it all and tried to make sense out of it, but yeah

That is perfect.

Send that shit now.

my only hope is that right now everyone above the age of 8 is annihilated in some kind of bizarre global incident, the kids survive via a lord of the flies type scenario, this is the only remaining text from our current civilisation and therefore by default becomes their bible. not a lot to ask is it?

PS you missed out my Quantum Leap reference :(

a wild snorlax appears

That's no way to talk about MC

loø

Edit: lol

Camwhore. Like, we were at that club

the club where we, you know, wolfed out (remember that, neil?)

email's done people, it's already twice as long as the original reply we first made, we're not trying to rewrite Infinite Jest here

Damn, hope he actually goes to the effort of reading our masterpiece

  On 8/16/2015 at 8:27 PM, ThatSpanishGuy said:

So here it is, someone clean this up or something. I copypasted it all and tried to make sense out of it, but yeah

 

 

  Reveal hidden contents

 

 

Dear Paul,

 

Firstly, may I wish you a (belated) Happy Birthday! Hopefully your day was filled with joy and earthly pleasures. And on that note, I was riding round your neighborhood and couldn't help but notice your scent in the air. It was so overwhelming I had to pull over my napkin to my face and shelter myself from the ecstatic olfactory assault, lest I become fraught with thoughts and emotions of an indecent nature and lose control over my automobile. Regardless, regard less. Now, think about that last line, for just one second.

 

You now have but have you always? I think you should reconsider some of your Diet choices. What's more, this: i've been missing you. But this inflatable doll thing you've been spreading around about me has to stop. I can't really be that noisy. I rented a studio space but I never really spent much time there, it felt like going to a job so I ended up at the kitchen table making music in headphones with a laptop and a couple thai ladyboys Mike P insisted on hiring. This reminds me, the next time you choose to be so rebellious, please clean up after yourself.

 

I hope your greatest fear is fire and you burn in fire. Fucking insane. And of course inflatable dolls are about more than just ice water with ice. «Donde estan mister, donde estan...» Do you still remember these words, my friend? If not, maybe you will remember ..... lavate la popola

 

Sorry, lost my train of thought there (SUCIA). Speaking of trains, as an independent artist I'm in a position where I also have to engage with social media and all that shit, so yeah, I'm in trouble. My god. Do people like me get like a $25 coupon to write this shit? I feel that just thinking about you and the good times we had back in Vietnam makes me hungry for some tasty pho. Remember that cook, what was his name? You'd always remember him. Remember? Remember when you said "I couldn't live without food?", that has been on my mind since you remembered that guy. He's the one whose vietnamese e-wife, you said, sells the best oysters clams and cockles in town. They're supposed to make your manhood grow, which you know becausebecause you remember.

 

Fuck anime. Dont you remember you told me you love me baby? You just walked right in. WALK WALK WALK. You were right on time beforeit all went Bad. Do you Remember The Time I asked you to Hold My Hand, and you told me to Beat It? I thought I was in for a Thriller, considering The Way You Make Me Feel, but I grew to hate the Man In The Mirror. I never got a look Behind The Mask, and you were Gone Too Soon. Pure, double-refined jenkem crystals.... it's the only way outta this. Crystals or fixing your outlook contacts. its the perfect way to get pestered again by these meddling little minions, spreading their sticky fingers all over your contacts and the keys of your mighty lushsynths as every preset crumbles intoa defiled pile of ludicrous banter.

 

Have you ever wondered what really happened that summer night on nineteen ninety nien eleven million minions, all of them onion flavoured? All of them horny and ready. You do remember it, don't you, baby? i know we've been over this last time but i really should stress that is the baby yours?

 

By the way, you should really lay off my dank memes and get your own, because at the moment you are being very non-credible, because jet beams can't melt fuel steel ALSO WHY DID YOU NEVER REALLY WAKE UP FROM YOUR COMA, NEIL [wow nice plottwist]

 

What is the difference between that and being awesome at World of Warcraft or something? Not much. It’s almost the same thing if you think about it.

 

Yours Fartfully Exploded, Mine Hasn't Yet brewed long enough for that kind of ecstatic gutsplosion. Perhaps I'm being too coy, beating around the bush. You get where I'm going with this, don't you Neil? I'm glad you came into this with the idea of me not being bored, that sounds fun. I want you to come into it again.

 

These inflatable's possessions are non partisan and smell like parmesan. Did you know Jerry Lee Lewis was still alive? Jerry Lee is still alive Coral! Corals are marine invertebrates in the class Anthozoa of phylum Cnidaria. They typically live in compact colonies of many identical individual polyps. The group includes the important reef builders that inhabit tropical oceans and secrete calcium carbonate to form a hard-rock band in the vein of Guns 'N Roses and Thin Lizzy. I never really got into balls the same size as a cue ball. Whatever feels like a good road to go down.

 

Neil, what I find appealing in visual art is BRUTAL FUCKING MURDER. I'd like to give people a back massage with a belt sander. God. I'd like to get into a time machine and drown their parents. This is the state of modern critique?! Holy shit. I don't know. On that note, I'd like to add four things:

 

1. The gut exaggerates the product

2. The allowable nuisance angers a lesbian soil

3. The vegetarian exhibit swears

4. The gnome boils next to the drum

 

But how does the simple duck object above the fighter? It firstly exaggerates its power by showing off its sweet pecs, then drenches itself with copious amounts of Mtn Dew before diving in on the soily lesbian goodness centre where we first met and gave each other secrete messages via a spectacular rhombus of unknown origin. Dammit Neil, i'll cut to the chase, i want to use your whole body to make me feel good, if you come to my house tonight this can become a reality, then afterwards we can curl up on the sofa with a few of the guys and a few inflatables and watch an Ethan Hawke triple bill, Predestination, Sinister and The Olfactory Toeskin are just a few of the nicknames that will be given to Howison.

 

Howison, oh Howison, when will you stop quoting the FACT interview? You know Aaron hasn't been the same since the days of your grandparents? It's a business model to sell you units. Or streams or ore. Coz you know it ain't nothing like that ool' shii anymo, bitches be beggin for those fat wet bawls. (And honestly, so am I! Gimme!!) Speaking of which, what is your favourite object to fondle excessively? I've always thought it was my object... hehe.. know what I mean by object? My objection concerns the recent implications by the general consensus of advance regarding perceived LUFS levels in broadcast programmes. The overarching tendency to disregard intrinsic problems with generating waveform amplitudes beyond unity gain in an audio circuit system is severely destructive to the integrity of recorded transients, and will only serve to deteriorate the affected material. When one approaches the problem from the perspective of the Nyqvist transform equations, one quickly discovers that it is simple mathematics. 2 mans > 1 man.

 

Call me The Space Cowboy. Inter-planetary Good Vibe Zone. Reggie's body is ready for us too. Did I mention about my body? I know you want it bad bb, but ayy lmao, we get it, you vape (SECRET DEEP MEANINGS, KNEEL)

 

I hope Andrew isn't coming. Right cunt he is... why even invite him after he desecrated that shrine to Pat Sharp's mullet I built last year. Three months it took me to make that, I still can't believe the magic trick he pulled that night?! With the maggots, remember? I remember, even if you fucking don't. Cloim cloim clummy - GRUNKA squanking all over, all over, ohhh Neil remember how it came over us, like a phoenis in the night. oooh boy, Neil, if you come over for the Ethan Hawke triple bill i'll oil you up and let your naked body glisten in the warm afterglow of the streetlight outside my window, your thick fleshy body, shaved, all slippery and juicy, ready for my... but... you remember, don't you? My fat cock? Remember?

 

I remember you always loved obese roosters. For some reason. Not chickens. Roosters. And they had to be obese. Weirdo. Whats wrong with you? What the fucks your problem? I'll tell you what your problem is. Are you ready to hear what your problem is? Watch out, cause it's a doozie. OK, here we go. Your problem is the abuse you suffered at the Kelloggs factory. Yes, I remember the days where Mr. Kellogg used to beat you on the head with a rolling pin while subjecting you to his shitty novel, called something like drizzle drizzle, frosted flake shizzle Fifty Shades of Cray. It was a cherished period that created meaning in life for you, but also how to avoid huge ships, second edition and of course don't forget... blimey, madame chaos is a moderator...when did that happen? goddamit BCM What did we tell you? We told you a million times, not to use satanic rituals to improve your social standing, it always comes back to haunt you. Remember when 303`s were £50? and coke was 16p a tin? crisps 5p

 

also you have overlooked A LOT of other points because its not all about the overall frequency response of the recording system its how the sound gets there in the first place. here are some things which you can`t get from a plugin,they are often emulated but due to their hugely complex nature are always pretty crass aproximations, therefore I would suggest that we go for a walk to look at the buildings, maybe pop in to Tesco and buy some bread.

 

a few days ago i was thinking aloud, remember you, me, Horatio, Jerimiah and Tarquin were at the old boys school all those years ago and we made a vow to take on the corporate world after the financial crash? Well, you may have made your mark on the inflatables market but it hasn't been easy for the rest of us. I know i may seem somewhat incoherent in this email, but my message remains the same as it did back in the day. Neil, you are a lovely person. You really should stop embroidering aborted monkey fetuses onto cardigans with their little arms all hooked together like some nightmarish version of that Barrel of Monkeys game though. It's a really weird hobby and nobody is going to buy any no matter how many you post on Etsy. Go outside. Enjoy the sunshine.

 

Wait, why am I even writing all this? Oh, wait, yeah, the birthday... Well, I have to congratulate you yet again with not only getting one step closer to your imminent death, but also that you are a man who is living life, doing things, being in places - and so on and so forth. You've got strength, energy, quickness and brain. Always Unique Totally Interesting Sometimes Mysterious. Dream a little deeper darling... dream of fat cocks. dream a dream of dreamy dreams, rice dreams, broken dreams, jet fuel doesn't melt steel beams. anyway i digress...

 

you're a disappointment to this ENTIRE FAMILY NEIL, but at the same time this family has been a disappointment to you. So just know that ACAB and you are a member of society. You are a member of reality! You are real, you exist , you sexist, you racist cis scum.

 

My trigger finger is triggered whenever you spew out the words: «ooh er, i'm thinking out loud again, Neil, i've just put Predestination in the DVD player, jerimiah is bringing the anchor butter, be a luv and pop into Tesco on the way over and bring some beer? Cobra if they have it. Lidl round my way only sells Perlenbacher and I've had my fill of it.» Say those exact words and I will go spastic on your plastic while you Add Reply, Preview Post, or Cancel conferring with the flowers which are actually filled with toxic gas that will kill you immediately

 

You think I can't make any jokes related to Portal, huh Neil? Huh? Think I'm not a GAMER, huh?! Just you wait, soon I'll be gaming on your own fucking couch. and your girlfriend in the other room will be a rotting corpse. That's the title of my next goregrind track. You like? The lyrics go like:

 

a candle in the wind

a dongle for the wang

An enigma wrapped up in a mystery

dressed as a fart in a lift riding a goat

masquerading as a wolf in sheeps clothing,

Neil has always tried to deepthroat my face

with a banana against my will

because he's a BDSM clown.

 

After that it gets all meta and shit, like one of those films by that guy with the hair. You know who I mean? you might remember him from Back to the future

 

Neil when i saw you sitting there slumped on the train cradling your precious laptop, i truly thought this was gonna be your wake up call.You've lost sight of many more important things since beginning your journey. You eat ass, you smoke flesh cigars. But shit dude, you're still Neil, i watched you dance naked in the rain with a one inch dick, lost in the moment, then you looked at me... and then I truly saw you. The real you. A real woman It showed a lady, with a fur cap on and a fur stole, sitting upright and holding out to the spectator a huge fur muff into which the whole of her forearm had vanished! Vanished! You hear me?! You didn't? Well I'll say it again: It showed a lady, with a fur cap on and a fur stole, sitting upright and holding out to the spectator a huge fur muff into which the whole of her forearm had vanished! You heard it this time? Good. Then let us begin the procedure.

 

Anime shirt etc First, place your anime shirt in the pentagram, then Let's try one more time: » It showed a lady, with a fur cap on and a fur stole, sitting upright and holding out to the spectator a huge fur muff into which the whole of her forearm had vanished!» Got it this time cloth ears? you are reading this so... cloth eyes!

 

I want to put orange juice in your punani

Egg salad sandwiches, in your punani

Hot dogs and french fries, in your punani

Chef Boyardee, in your punani

 

Have you ever JO'd to an AI? it's aight, its airtight. like the movie Fright Night. not the remake with 'breakfast lunch and dinner' hammer-head dick Colin, but the original He-man and skeletor, in your punani

 

. The very best thing about being on the autism spectrum is:

1. Being smarter than everybody else

2.

3. #2 went straight up your dickhole, didn't you notice that

4. Knowing there's something like Ctrl+Shift+V.

5. cum

6. meeting another autism parent... cause you know they """get it"""" (minion highfive)

7. Being a shell of a person who is also a shell of a person whose soul burns so hot that it completely burns the shell of the person inside of yourself

9. Being able to not mention "8" as its too edgy and a potentially arrestable offence

10. As I got to my feet I realised that the roaring in my ears was in fact the thundering sound of the lion's roar: silent during the hunt, he was now in full cry.

Btw, have I mentioned anime shirt yet? 11. Anime shirt.

12. Anime shirt in your punani

13. Never interrupt a chain thread.

14. Fifteen

15. Sixteen

16. Seventeen

17. Eighteen

18. Eighteen

19. Eighteen

20. Eighteen

21. Twenty one

22. Twenty two

23. Twenty three

24. __________?

25 25s of profit in your twenty fifth punani - eleven twelve.

 

I was a John Deere 7800 tractor with Houle slurry trailer on a field of burlywood concrete. A carboniferous mineral dissipates into my philtrum. The bishop of Ostia came to me and said: "Oi m8, u avin a larf? Avin' a li'l giggle are we? I'd smack ye on the gob, I swear to me mum.

 

I am a lineman for the county

And I drive the main road

Searchin' in the sun for another overload

I hear you singin' in the wire

I can hear you through the whine

And the Wichita lineman is still on the line

I know I need a small vacation

But it don't look like rain

And if it snows that stretch down south

Won't ever stand the strain

And I need you more than want you

And I want you for all time

And the Wichita lineman is still on the line

And I need you more than want you

And I want you for all time

And the Wichita lineman is still on the line

 

watch the ride, prik face

 

Sincerely yours, Autism Cru. Sorry Neil, it's ruined now.

 

P.S. I just realized I forgot to tell you that I recently purchased a gift for your birthday that includes 17 live bees".

 

That was some strange shit that Bishop of Ostia said. He kept going on. What a weirdo. Now, where were we. Neil or Howison was it? Howeilson? Look man, the thing is, it's not important who we are and where we came from. We have different things to worry about, like I got that cat that keeps crapping in my flower bed, and you got a bed flower in my cat that keeps crapping in my goth hat

 

...but seriously i have to go now. its about time for my 7pm vasectomy by robot above a tank of ravenous piranhas escapology class Grade II. I could totally use a deshedding tool right now. Anyway please email back I want to know all about your holiday in Cambodia, is it anything like our time in 'Nam? Scratch that I don't really give a crap about your vacation sorry.

 

Best regards,

 

love memes

 

 

Quoting for reference, I only made this cause I was too bored tbh and andihow has final say on all this, but this is my attempt at compiling all this

sorry to be picky but the italics was important

  On 8/17/2015 at 1:04 AM, hoggy said:

sorry to be picky but the italics was important

Be as picky as you want, that's the point. I just did a ctrl+caps+v dump, so there's bound to be errors in there, maybe a few missing posts. Maybe it'd be a good idea to set up an editable google doc

It needs edited before its sent to him. Theres an awful lot of shitty banter in there which should get plucked out. We need an editor to make it semi coherent. Editor, appoint yourself!

  On 8/17/2015 at 1:07 AM, Schlitze said:

We need an editor to make it semi coherent. Editor, appoint yourself!

Well I have some experience compiling the This Is Story threads, but I'm more of a use everything type of guy, I'm not keen on omitting stuff.

*cough* quantum leap reference *cough*

if i got that email I'd be first very amused and confused and then genuinely creeped out. I'm not saying I would call the police but the thought would cross my mind that maybe i should. still hilarious though, im not trying to downplay or minimize the great job we all did

gonna go through this tomorrow night and sort it all, then send it to everyone in the email chain. i wonder if neil has even noticed he's got the wrong email address from the last time.

Whatever happened with this? lol I need a good chuckle...

Heh, I actually though about this at the weekend but forgot to bump.

Neil.plz

i'm getting the feeling andihow has abandoned the project. Very poor show, old chap. In which case it's up to triachus to wade through all the bullshit, tidy it up a bit and present it back to andihow to email to Neil.

'Achus, if you can just edit it down a bit into bitesize chunks bearing in mind Neil has to read this on the train on his Mac Airbook.

it's my fault, I was supposed to record the new one and I haven't done it.

PLease send whisky money so I can do it right.

i say we kickstart a whiskey fund for spiral. lets hope he emails again soon though cuz now it'd be a bit late at this point.

I'll pay for whisky for spiral.

setup the kickstarter lol

Flol

Well worth it