Online Dating Horror Stories

  On 11/5/2019 at 11:06 PM, BoomTssPhace said:

Butthole for dessert either way so cheers

Lick me dry daddy

  On 11/5/2019 at 3:59 AM, Zephyr_Nova said:

Mortified like... she accidentally took a shit in drawer?  I don't know how someone manages that not on purpose.  You guys must have had some good drugs.  Or... you went on a date with Fred McGriff's sister.  He once peed on the bedroom TV while the missus slept.  Legend.  Anyway, good story.  Keep 'em coming!

My today date had to cancel due to too much work.  Nothing too horrific, sorry to say.  

  On 11/5/2019 at 8:41 PM, darreichungsform said:

sleepwalking?

Years ago I woke up one night because it was raining heavily, or so I believed. Upon waking, I was however surprised to see a ballsack dangling between the soles of two naked feet. It belonged to my flatmate who was kneeling at the foot of my bed, taking an extensive piss on my mattress. Still half asleep and unsure if I was dreaming, I watched, paralysed, as he finished and proceeded to leave without a word. I can still hear myself hurling a mortified, hurt "What the fuck, dude?!?" after him, but he didn't so much as turn around. Dazed and confused and clearly in way over my head, I took off the sheets, cleaned the mattress as best I could and tried to go back to sleep. When I met him in the kitchen the next day, he was acting as if nothing had happened, and I was unsure how to tackle the delicate subject. Later that day, I mustered all my courage, went into his room and asked him if he had a history of sleepwalking. When I told him what happened, he was clearly oblivious and genuinely embarassed and gave his Mouse On Mars t-shirt to me as a present by way of apology. It's piss-yellow, and I wear it with pride.

  On 11/12/2019 at 12:21 AM, IDEM said:

 

Years ago I woke up one night because it was raining heavily, or so I believed. Upon waking, I was however surprised to see a ballsack dangling between the soles of two naked feet. It belonged to my flatmate who was kneeling at the foot of my bed, taking an extensive piss on my mattress. Still half asleep and unsure if I was dreaming, I watched, paralysed, as he finished and proceeded to leave without a word. I can still hear myself hurling a mortified, hurt "What the fuck, dude?!?" after him, but he didn't so much as turn around. Dazed and confused and clearly in way over my head, I took off the sheets, cleaned the mattress as best I could and tried to go back to sleep. When I met him in the kitchen the next day, he was acting as if nothing had happened, and I was unsure how to tackle the delicate subject. Later that day, I mustered all my courage, went into his room and asked him if he had a history of sleepwalking. When I told him what happened, he was clearly oblivious and genuinely embarassed and gave his Mouse On Mars t-shirt to me as a present by way of apology. It's piss-yellow, and I wear it with pride.

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he pissed on the shirt too

Online dating works great! I've met my last 3 LTR girlfriends there. 

Anyone got anything good?

I don't really have anything much to contribute yet.  However there was one point on my last date where the lady in question mentioned how old her parents were when they had her - I did the math and came to the sobering realization that her parents are only a few years older than me.  I think the same thought may have occurred to her, as she didn't respond to my last text.  The date itself was good, and she expressed interest in going out again.  But yeah... crazy age gap... she probably came to her senses the day after.

Cool gothy woman closer to my own age just accepted my karaoke proposal.  Again, seems pretty down to earth, but maybe something crazy will happen.  We shall see.

I was on okcupid ages ago. This is a message I sent because she said she liked Abraham Lincoln.

Lol how did she respond? Usually any kind of joke dies on arrival in a dating app. 

She never responded. I'm standing around just handing out gold coins and she doesn't want any of it.

Which dating app includes enemy percentage?

Could have been worse. Imagine her ire if you'd claimed to be John Wilkes Booth.

  On 11/23/2019 at 4:22 AM, Zephyr_Nova said:

Which dating app includes enemy percentage?

It's okcupid circa 2013 or 14. I'm still wondering what the missing 3% is.

I've never been into dating apps, but personally if I were to receive a message like that I wouldn't know how to respond.  Maybe truncating it to just the first two sentences would be more inviting.  The rest makes it seem like too much work was put into the introduction, which can give the appearance that you're desperate and somewhat unsociable.  I hope this doesn't offend, I'm just trying to offer some unwarranted criticism with no experience.  

That’s why you just send memes

In all the hundreds of profiles I've perused I've not come across a single meme, which is kind of surprising really.  What connects with people in this day and age faster than a meme?  it's going to hit harder than trying to describe your personality in 50 words.  Maybe I should give it a shot.

*Aha - I see okcupid rules specifically say "no memes" and bumble says "your face has to be clearly visible in every single one of the photos you upload to your profile."

*makes meme of own face*

Post a picture of yourself holding up a meme you made

@drillkicker I wrote it in like 5 minutes. At any rate, I don't use dating services anymore, as previously outlined in this thread.

sorry, it's hard for me to keep track of who's said what online

  On 11/23/2019 at 2:49 AM, Braintree said:

I was on okcupid ages ago. This is a message I sent because she said she liked Abraham Lincoln.

All i could read was "m'lady" because that's virtually all you said

  On 11/22/2019 at 3:23 AM, Zephyr_Nova said:

I don't really have anything much to contribute yet.  However there was one point on my last date where the lady in question mentioned how old her parents were when they had her - I did the math and came to the sobering realization that her parents are only a few years older than me.  I think the same thought may have occurred to her, as she didn't respond to my last text.  The date itself was good, and she expressed interest in going out again.  But yeah... crazy age gap... she probably came to her senses the day after.

Cool gothy woman closer to my own age just accepted my karaoke proposal.  Again, seems pretty down to earth, but maybe something crazy will happen.  We shall see.

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Yeah I met a very nice girl when selling shirts at a DIY market thing above a pub two weeks ago, she was doing the stall next to me, had shirts and tapes of her music etc.

I have a feeling she's in her early 20s, making her about 15yrs younger than me. Tbh I've no idea if she's actually interested but I've put out feelers about her status among her colleagues (she works in the pub) and they've no doubt told her that. Also she's always the first person to view anything I chuck in my IG story (I throw fuckloads of stuff in there daily) so she's at least morbidly fascinated if not actually interested.

Yeah I don't really see it as an insurmountable thing, but I feel like inevitably there's going to be that moment where she's like "what am I doing with this geezer - I've got my whole life ahead of me and he's already on the physical decline."  But... there's always the exception where it can actually work, maybe?  Haha sorry to be such a pessimist. These are just my own personal hangups on that idea.  

i went on a date the other day with a Snowman, ahem, Snowperson i created in my backyard. i tried to share my hot cocoa with them and their face melted

If their face melted, that just means sharing your cocoa was like listening to Drukqs for the first time, and they're basically really into Aphex Twin now.  Nice work.  The bad news is they will henceforth always be virgin. : (

This is a good thread. Thanks Zephyr for sharing your journey so far.

I did online dating for a while about 10 years ago and eventually met my now-life-partner and we have kids now and everything. That was mostly luck tbh but I did learn I few things along the way, I think. Here's what I learnt:

• It takes a while to learn the ropes, how to respond, how to not get your hopes up too early but still try and engage. How long to chat before suggesting a meet up etc. How most females on these sites are bombarded with crap from all quarters so you have to try and be a bit different. How only a small number of people you message write back, and then only a small number of them will you ever meet. But that thats OK and its all still fun.
• I did all my dating years ago before Tinder. From what I can make out, Tinder is far too appearance-based so I would recommend avoiding it. I would stick to the more wordy sites like OK Cupid.
• I can't speak for OKCupid now but ten years ago it was way better than anything else. All the other sites like match.com were too 'serious' like 'we will fix your life for you' whereas OKcupid was more real and more fun.
• This is the important one: when you message someone and they message back you get on a high and its really fun and its a bit easy to get carried away and fill in the crap-ton of stuff you don't know about this person with your imagination. That is, its easy to build them up into something amazing and then you're likely going to come down to earth at some point. The messaging stage is a way to work out if its worth a real-life meet up, but if you do meet up - be prepared to forget everything you thought you knew about them and start again. Don't build it up too much before meeting.
• And for the same reasons, I reckon its better to get to a real-life meet up as soon as realistically possible (but not too rushed also). That is, dont get stuck in the messaging stage for too long.
• I was always quite a shy person but I learned that meeting up with someone you've never met before IRL is actually really fun. Like fun in a scary sort of way. The sort of conversations you have with people in that scenario are very different than the ones you might have with your friends because nothing is taken as a given so you range over all kinds of interesting ground. And that can be really refreshing actually. You're really _there_, on the spot and you've got to relate. The first 30 seconds or so feel a bit weird but then it can be quite exhilarating.
• i don't drink but I was living in London so for meet-ups I always went to something cultural like an exhibition or an art gallery or just to the south bank to wander along the river and look at stuff that would always just be happening there. And like I don't know much about art but I can look at it for 40 mins or so and it provides things to talk about. Theres tons of stuff to do in London so that was an advantage I guess. Obv not cinema or theatre because you can't talk. Although I think I did do cinema a few times and it was OK if you talked before or after.
• I think I did a few bursts of online dating over a few years. I think I met 15 people or so IRL, and most of them there was not really any spark of romance but all of them were afternoons well spent, in that I did something cultural, and had interesting conversations, and felt good about getting out and pushing myself out of my comfort zone.
• Over those meet ups, I was also slowly learning about myself and what I wanted and what I didn't want. But that was only clear in retrospect.
• Sometimes I met people a few times, sometimes only once. One or two I was friends with for a bit, one I'm still friends with now. But mostly things fizzled out, but thats OK. There wasn't a word for Ghosting then, but I see now its a thing thats got a name. Its good that there is a word for that now I think, and I see there's healthy debate now about how to let things drop. Is it better to fizzle out or just ghost? I dont really know. But stuff like that will happen, and you need to come to terms with it. As ever, doing it to someone else is actually harder than having it done to you.
• When I met "the one", it was largely luck, but the 15-or-so previous meet ups meant that when we clicked I could really tell that we were clicking. And she was someone who I wasn't expecting to click with, and had just met up with because she seemed funny.

  On 11/25/2019 at 11:06 PM, Zephyr_Nova said:

If their face melted, that just means sharing your cocoa was like listening to Drukqs for the first time, and they're basically really into Aphex Twin now.  Nice work.  The bad news is they will henceforth always be virgin. : (

well fuck my ass and call me, uh, just fuck my ass