Online Dating Horror Stories

  On 11/23/2019 at 7:59 PM, Zephyr_Nova said:

In all the hundreds of profiles I've perused I've not come across a single meme, which is kind of surprising really.  What connects with people in this day and age faster than a meme?  it's going to hit harder than trying to describe your personality in 50 words.  Maybe I should give it a shot.

 

*Aha - I see okcupid rules specifically say "no memes" and bumble says "your face has to be clearly visible in every single one of the photos you upload to your profile."

*makes meme of own face*

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My pfp on OKC is a photoshop of me holding a flaming cube mimosa while it rains inside the airbnb from AFXNYC. I also have one of those “top 10 anime betrayals” youtube memes where the pic is Elon Musk and Grimes. Nobody’s reported me yet! 

  On 11/25/2019 at 11:28 PM, Salvatorin said:

well fuck my ass and call me, uh, just fuck my ass

Noice - didn't even have to pull out my "so do you do anal" line this time.

  On 11/25/2019 at 11:23 PM, zazen said:

This is a good thread. Thanks Zephyr for sharing your journey so far.

I did online dating for a while about 10 years ago and eventually met my now-life-partner and we have kids now and everything...

Holy moly - nice work!  

I know of a few success stories like that.  And I also know people who've been at it for years with no luck.  I think I blew it with the first girl I was dating via okcupid.  We went on 3 dates, but I didn't do any text follow up after the third date until almost 4 weeks after (was really busy, and then went on the road for a week).  When I finally texted her asking if she'd be up for meeting up again I got no response.  To be fair, she also didn't follow up... so maybe it was just meant to fizzle.  I thought we were a pretty good intellectual match, and had a genuine appreciation for each other.  Would have liked to remain friends even if things didn't work out on a more intimate level.  Ah well. 

okcupid has the best platform setup with regards to profile, but for some reason practically no one uses it where I am so there's barely any options there.  Bumble seems more than 10 times as popular, and still allows users to go reasonably in depth with their write-ups, though seems to attract less of that.  Also it's annoying that there's no option to focus exclusively on where you live when you're out of town.  As it turns out most of my matches have been with people in other cities while I'm just passing through for a day.  I'm clearly just living in the wrong city.

  On 11/25/2019 at 4:48 PM, hello spiral said:

Yeah I met a very nice girl when selling shirts at a DIY market thing above a pub two weeks ago, she was doing the stall next to me, had shirts and tapes of her music etc.

I have a feeling she's in her early 20s, making her about 15yrs younger than me. Tbh I've no idea if she's actually interested but I've put out feelers about her status among her colleagues (she works in the pub) and they've no doubt told her that. Also she's always the first person to view anything I chuck in my IG story (I throw fuckloads of stuff in there daily) so she's at least morbidly fascinated if not actually interested.

aye is this who I think it is? 

  On 11/26/2019 at 3:55 AM, StephenG said:

aye is this who I think it is? 

I doubt it. Who do you think it is?

  On 11/26/2019 at 12:33 PM, hello spiral said:

I doubt it. Who do you think it is?

Actress Margo Martindale. 

  On 11/26/2019 at 12:33 PM, hello spiral said:

I doubt it. Who do you think it is?

Chicky who’s album you linked me with and you had ‘nice’ comments bout’ her lol

This wasn't online dating but one time I impressed a girl by eating a whole lemon raw. After feasting on the lemon in a very messy way I asked her to help me clean my body in the bathroom. It got me laid almost immediately. I think next time I will go for an onion as this would be even more impressive

  On 11/26/2019 at 3:02 PM, StephenG said:

Chicky who’s album you linked me with and you had ‘nice’ comments bout’ her lol

orite, yeah her

Which site was it that doesn't allow memes? Fuck that site.

  On 11/26/2019 at 5:09 PM, darreichungsform said:

This wasn't online dating but one time I impressed a girl by eating a whole lemon raw. After feasting on the lemon in a very messy way I asked her to help me clean my body in the bathroom. It got me laid almost immediately. I think next time I will go for an onion as this would be even more impressive

Onions are the epitome of a buzz kill when it cums to the food secks, no getting round it, maybe just entice the next one into a gaping marathon. Heard that’s a real thing these days, just no gaping urethras pls, shudder

  On 11/27/2019 at 12:48 AM, cwmbrancity said:

Onions are the epitome of a buzz kill when it cums to the food secks, no getting round it, maybe just entice the next one into a gaping marathon. Heard that’s a real thing these days, just no gaping urethras pls, shudder

what better way to gape then :insert onion: ?

Ok, if it has cloves nailed in, abrasion inducing mf’s, then lemme just get comfortable a sec

food sex? U mean like inserting my anus into a food? I want to shove that anus into any food

  On 11/26/2019 at 1:03 AM, Zephyr_Nova said:

I know of a few success stories like that.  And I also know people who've been at it for years with no luck.  I think I blew it with the first girl I was dating via okcupid.  We went on 3 dates, but I didn't do any text follow up after the third date until almost 4 weeks after (was really busy, and then went on the road for a week).  When I finally texted her asking if she'd be up for meeting up again I got no response.  To be fair, she also didn't follow up... so maybe it was just meant to fizzle.  I thought we were a pretty good intellectual match, and had a genuine appreciation for each other.  Would have liked to remain friends even if things didn't work out on a more intimate level.  Ah well. 

Well, you could explain it to her just the way you explained it to us. And if she doesn't answer again you could threaten her to kill her or her parents and children (if she has any) if she doesn't date you again. If the threat of physical violence doesn't help, you could still say something like: "Sorry that things hadn't worked out as well as we would have liked and I'm sorry but as you aren't interested in me I have to apply violence to your body and mind, therefore I have minced your pet and used it to dry my otherwise moist genitals which I will use to apply sexual actions (or more precisely: violence disguised as sexual actions) to you and reinforce them (the actions) over and over again" and then just go for it. Or again, you could just explain your situation. There's only one of two ways- glad I could help so far

  On 11/26/2019 at 10:13 PM, hello spiral said:

orite, yeah her

update on this. I went to go see her play live. She, after seeing me and saying hello, spent the whole show about 10ft behind me. 

I then got intel from the gf of someone she works with (who I used to live with) that she is not interested and I am in danger of becoming That Guy. So I have now completely backed off. Oh also apparently I said something weird but she doesn't know what. u g h.

  On 11/27/2019 at 12:48 AM, cwmbrancity said:

Onions are the epitome of a buzz kill when it cums to the food secks, no getting round it, maybe just entice the next one into a gaping marathon. Heard that’s a real thing these days, just no gaping urethras pls, shudder

Some girls are cray and want you to artichoke them. This is risky, because you never know how hard to artichoke. Safewords get garbled, trust is diminished, etc 

"Oh, you like artichokes?  I thought you said art o' chokes... sorry about the whole getting strangled thing.  Simple misunderstanding."

  On 11/30/2019 at 2:12 PM, hello spiral said:

update on this. I went to go see her play live. She, after seeing me and saying hello, spent the whole show about 10ft behind me. 

I then got intel from the gf of someone she works with (who I used to live with) that she is not interested and I am in danger of becoming That Guy. So I have now completely backed off. Oh also apparently I said something weird but she doesn't know what. u g h.

Shit, for real?!  

It bums me out how many profiles are pretty much "enjoy hiking, good wine, net flix 'n' chill.  Let's get coffee."  That's where the real horror resides in all this.

  On 12/2/2019 at 1:45 AM, Zephyr_Nova said:

It bums me out how many profiles are pretty much "enjoy hiking, good wine, net flix 'n' chill.  Let's get coffee."  That's where the real horror resides in all this.

Those are all wicked things though. =(

it's devoid of personality and banal af

  On 11/30/2019 at 2:36 PM, Candiru said:

Some girls are cray and want you to artichoke them. This is risky, because you never know how hard to artichoke. Safewords get garbled, trust is diminished, etc 

  On 12/1/2019 at 3:29 AM, Zephyr_Nova said:

"Oh, you like artichokes?  I thought you said art o' chokes... sorry about the whole getting strangled thing.  Simple misunderstanding."

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https://williamsbraintree.bandcamp.com/track/artichoked

  On 12/2/2019 at 1:45 AM, Zephyr_Nova said:

It bums me out how many profiles are pretty much "enjoy hiking, good wine, net flix 'n' chill.  Let's get coffee."  That's where the real horror resides in all this.

That’s handy code for “my heart’s not in this and I’m gonna waste your time if we match.” Gotta stay vigilant for the weirdos.

can’t make it past the app stage at this point but that’s probably my own doing/for the best. but for now: if i see one more goddamned woman with a quote from the office or talking about rewatching the office i might just die alone