Online Dating Horror Stories

  On 12/2/2019 at 4:17 PM, auxien said:

can’t make it past the app stage at this point but that’s probably my own doing/for the best. but for now: if i see one more goddamned woman with a quote from the office or talking about rewatching the office i might just die alone 

 

I bet none of these people have seen a single goddamn episode of Battlestar Galactica. Thanks, Rainn Wilson.

  On 12/2/2019 at 7:38 AM, hello spiral said:

it's devoid of personality and banal af

Just how I like my women

Banal? I thought you said anal. 

"So do you do banal?"

"Yeah.  I love hikes, good wine, net flicks 'n' chill.  Let's go out for coffee."

Also, what's up with all the profile write-ups that end with "can you keep up?"  Is there an Idiot's Guide to dating profile write-ups that they're all referencing?

Keep up? That's code for crazy. 

It means they are driven to achieve, and you must be equally adept at navigating the challenges of life so that you aren't left in the dust by her strong, iron will to Live My Best Life. Upper middle class in a nice suburb, here I come. 

It seems the majority of women on these apps mistake an opinion on whether pineapple is an acceptable pizza topping for a personality trait.

Also, women calling their dogs their children. 

*Presses eject button*

  On 12/5/2019 at 6:59 AM, Zephyr_Nova said:

Also, what's up with all the profile write-ups that end with "can you keep up?"  Is there an Idiot's Guide to dating profile write-ups that they're all referencing?

i had one lady that i messaged briefly the other day, noticed some odd disparities from her first message and what followed...did a quick search and found that the app we were on offers women 'stock opening lines.' so if there are pre-written messages in-app, it wouldn't be much to assume that the app (for sure elsewhere online via friends, reddit, buzzfeed articles, idk...), is offering pre-written bio taglines as well.

  On 12/5/2019 at 6:59 AM, Zephyr_Nova said:

Also, what's up with all the profile write-ups that end with "can you keep up?"  Is there an Idiot's Guide to dating profile write-ups that they're all referencing?

It's a reference to hackie sack keepie uppies, all the kids are doing it these days. You have to have a record of more than 100 or you are not deemed worthy of mating with.

  On 12/5/2019 at 11:31 AM, MichaelListon said:

It seems the majority of women on these apps mistake an opinion on whether pineapple is an acceptable pizza topping for a personality trait.

Also, women calling their dogs their children. 

*Presses eject button*

When I noticed the dog thing is when I added “my synths and I are a package deal” to my bio. 

I've never actually been on a date, but after everything I've read about it above and heard elsewhere, it doesn't really seem worthwhile.

And "keeping up" ain't my thing, especially when it's the industry standard. Too old for that shit.

  On 12/5/2019 at 6:28 PM, Lada Laika said:

When I noticed the dog thing is when I added “my synths and I are a package deal” to my bio. 

Ahahaha yes the dog being a part of the package deal takes up roughly one quarter of the profiles.  I didn't realize how weird people were about dogs until I started scrolling through these things.

Ambergonk - I'd say every date I've been on so far has been somewhat worthwhile.  I've taken something valuable away from each experience.  A big thing for me was realizing I'm not nearly as socially awkward as I thought I was.

I probably take too much stock in the Spotify playlists whenever they pop up on the bumble profiles.  If a person's tastes seem really bland I assume we probably won't click.  

Just passed on a woman on Bumble, but the app scrolled down mid-pass to reveal her dream dinner guest to be "RDJ".  Curse that lack of an undo button.  She will forever be the one that got away.

  On 12/10/2019 at 12:24 AM, Zephyr_Nova said:

Just passed on a woman on Bumble, but the app scrolled down mid-pass to reveal her dream dinner guest to be "RDJ".  Curse that lack of an undo button.  She will forever be the one that got away.

I imagine that's probably Robert Downey Jr right?

Ahhhhh thank you.  

  On 12/10/2019 at 12:24 AM, Zephyr_Nova said:

Just passed on a woman on Bumble, but the app scrolled down mid-pass to reveal her dream dinner guest to be "RDJ".  Curse that lack of an undo button.  She will forever be the one that got away.

protip, you can 'backtrack' on there by like shaking your phone violently. i've done that for many who i absolutely had to get a second look at (not because i was interested in them but because i reflexively went 'no fucking way' and swiped left then realized i had to see more). 

Was using my lap top unfortunately.  But if SG's correct, I'm no longer worried.

  On 12/10/2019 at 1:44 AM, Zephyr_Nova said:

Was using my lap top unfortunately.  But if SG's correct, I'm no longer worried.

Shake your laptop violently? 

Holy shit TInder is intense.  I just signed up tonight and already have a few chats going + 8 anonymous likes.  I smell New Years desperation in the air...

... so many tattoos.

Are they asking if guys can keep up?

Keeping up seems to be the new handing out

Incredibly I have not come across one of those yet.  I should ask them if they hand out in secrete.  (I still don't know the origin of that bit of watmm lore)

  On 12/17/2019 at 5:11 AM, Zephyr_Nova said:

Holy shit TInder is intense.  I just signed up tonight and already have a few chats going + 8 anonymous likes.  I smell New Years desperation in the air...

Tinder works best. Other dating apps don't lead to coitus